This is the Face of Depression

Recently, I read an article (probably on scary mommy...) about a post that a girl made regarding selfies of her before she tried to commit suicide. I thought to myself, "Oh sure,  can relate to that."

But then I recently posted a "happy birthday" post for my mom on FB, and I posted this photo along with it:

Don't I look so happy?! Well, looks are most certainly deceiving here. I had to muster up this smile with all my might. I was working diligently to cover up the darkness that consumed me. I didn't want anyone to know what I was struggling with. But on this day, I hit my lowest low (well low to me). I yelled at my nephew because he put too much water in my potted plant. I lost it. I really completely and utterly lost it. And the moment it happened I knew what I had done was so wrong. I felt awful. Even worse because my pain had caused pain for someone else I love dearly.

But at the same time, this was the moment when it showed. So, my brother and sister-in-law reached out to me. And for once I was grateful. I've always been the "I have to take care of it myself" kind of person. I help others, but others don't help me. I'm a helper, not a helpee! And the utterly petrifying fear that my loved ones would reject me because of my battle with depression was completely wrong. They didn't even make it a thing. They forgave me for what I had done and were there for me when I needed it the most. In fact, I think it brought us even closer together.

Depression has a face, but it's not always the face you expect. You can't just look at a person and see their inner pain. You can't see their thoughts of ending it all. You can't feel the pain they feel every single day. It's super messed up, I know. Depression is weird. And to those who have never been in the depths of the deep dark, well, I'm afraid you just cannot truly understand it. You can try, but you really just can't. You can be empathetic, supportive, unconditionally loving, but you won't ever really be able to feel the utter helplessness and crumbling soul that is depression. It can make the most beautiful and wonderful people decide to end their own lives because it's just too much.

Depression has a face. It could be anyone's face. And not one of them are lesser beings because of it. It hurts in so many ways it's almost unfathomable.

So, just be there. Be loving. Don't judge. Just hold them. Listen. We need others. In the dark deep solitude we will wither and fade without someone to help pull us out. And for those who are struggling...get help! The people who surround you in love will be there.

My Top 5 Netflix "Happy Heart Show" Recommendations

As someone who tends to absorb the emotions I expose myself to like a sponge I have to be mindful of what shows I watch. I watched 13 Reasons Why and it triggered my depression pretty severely. To such an extent that I considered changing my medication because I was worried that it wasn't working anymore. I also started watching Shameless, and while it is an excellent show, it was far too reminiscent of experiences I had growing up with an alcoholic father. That time I caught myself and noticed the change in mood after exposing myself to the show too much. I can recognize the feeling now as I tend to flare up a bit when I watch too much Orange is the New Black.

It has become clear to me now that I am much more sensitive to the shows I watch than I realized. Now that I know it's a trigger I have aimed to find shows that are good and have a more positive angle. These are my top 5 Netflix recommendations for what I will refer to as "Happy Heart Shows".

#1 Life In Pieces This series chronicles the lives of the 3 generations of the Short family as they go about their daily lives. Think Parenthood, but without all the ugly crying. Excellent, clever humor, and I LOL a lot.






#2 Schitt's Creek This show follows a wealthy family whose money was taken by their business manager who failed to pay their taxes. No spoilers, but this one is hilarious and heartwarming at the same time. So many classic comedian actors/actresses in the cast too. Love it!

#3 Parks & Recreation I can never really get enough of this show. This one and Scrubs are my two infinite rewatchables. Probably The Office falls in there too. But I just love the energy of this show. Plus, Chris Pratt...am  I right?! Yum.






#4 Happyish This show is slightly a bit of dark humor, but utterly relatable. Dark humor in the sense that there are mental health issues that everyone deals with. More normalizing I guess I would say and so freaking funny.

#5 Grace and Frankie Lily Tomlin has always been a favorite of mine. She's amazing. Jane Fonda is still looking great. Get these two together and throw in Martin Sheen and you've got yourself a funny take on an unexpected turn in the later years of life.


Happy Netflix Bingeing!

When You Are A Parent Who Struggles With Anxiety You Practice Bravery Every Day And Your Child Probably Doesn't Even Know It

I don't think my son (or any of our children for that matter) will ever truly understand what we do for them. And that's ok. I don't need my son to know the sacrifices I make or the struggles I face for him. But this has been on my mind a lot lately and I'm sure I'm not the only parent out there who deals with this.

Here's the thing, I am an introverted extrovert. I desire relationships and social experiences, but on a limited basis. I enjoy solitude more than I like being surrounded by people. I have few friends, but the ones I have are real and drama-free. I struggle with anxiety, both situational and social. So, when I force myself to take my son to an activity it is sometimes a huge accomplishment for me. I want him to at least have the opportunity to develop socially among children his age. I want him to have a chance to try. Therefore, mommy has to go. And then I'm surrounded at places like the kiddie pool or soccer practice with other parents, some nice, some not so nice. I don't go into any of these situations looking for companionship, but I also try not to be a social pariah. Then there are those situations where some kid is acting like a total jackass and their parent isn't doing a damn thing about it. Someone has to step up and that person is usually me. I am socially anxious, but when it comes to following rules and being respectful to other children (especially mine) I power through, set that aside, and do what has to be done.

I have had an interesting experience this week. My son wanted to go to the public pool to hang out with one of his little friends. I too wanted to hang out with her mom. We arrived early to get a good spot under the shade tree. Then, the one 'mean mom' that I see all the time showed up and my heart sank. Then, the one kid that we encounter frequently who is almost always a little jerk showed up too and I could feel the tightness in my chest grow stronger. Every single time I am in any close proximity to these individuals, something unpleasant happens. Every. Single. Time. I try to avoid it, but it seems inevitable. It might be that my child and "mean mom's" child want to play together, but "mean mom" doesn't want her kids playing with any children other than ones she's already decided are ok to play with, so she redirects them away from my kid. Or it might be that the "jerk kid" pushes my son down or takes a toy away from him then when someone intervenes, either me or his mom, he has a huge screaming fit. So, naturally, my anxiety levels were high.

Luckily, the other moms all congregated at the other end of the pool. We got the whole other side all to ourselves! That was some small relief. But then it started. Jerk kid came with a fucking water gun. Who the hell lets their kid bring a water gun to the pool?! Even the best-behaved children would cause issues with that. It's just too tempting to squirt other people! And, of course, jerk kid started spraying kids and me, in the face and head with said gun. I asked him 3 times, and not quietly I might add, to stop spraying us. That was annoying encounter number one.

Then, there's the toys situation. Many kids bring their own toys to play with at the pool. Apparently. many of them are taught that if you bring a toy you have to share it. That all the toys are a free for all. I do not buy into this bullshit. If my son wants to share because he feels compelled to be kind to another kid who is not being an asshole then YES! Please do!! Hooray! But us having toys does not entitle other children to them. Unfortunately, most of these kids are unaware that I have different rules. At one point the littles decided they needed a snack so we got out of the pool, leaving the toys behind, to have our snack. We allowed other kids to play with them while we were not playing with them. I talked with my son about this and told him that when we were done with snack we could go get his toys back so he could play with them again.

Snack is done. Thus begins my least favorite thing to do as a mom in public social situations, interacting with other people's children and attempted toy retrieval. Inside I was filled to the brim with anxiety, but I am a grown up and my son is still working on social skills so he didn't want to retrieve them alone. Across the pool I spot "jerk kid" with our pool noodle. "Fuck." I whispered under my breathe. I took a deep breath and headed in that direction. As he swam away I spoke to him as kindly as I could. I told him we were back in the pool and wanted out toys back now. I told him I was glad he was able to enjoy it a little bit but we wanted it back now. He refused. He started to swim away with it. He told me 'no'. Then my fire lit. Inside I was pissed as hell. So I grabbed the noodle and thought "good luck fighting it kid, I am stronger than you are ya little punk." I wanted to just yank it out from under him, but I restrained myself (I deserve a gold medal for my restraint!). But I just strengthened my grip and slowly started to pull it away, all the while repeating in my nicest voice possible that we would really like to have our toy back, it belongs to us, we want it back, etc. etc. He still refused and attempted to escape with my noodle. So, I said to him, "Ok, I've asked nicely several times. So, you can either give me the noodle or I am going to take it." He looked at me like "I dare you" and proceeded to try to swim away with it again, telling me 'no'. My strong grip began to lift upward. He gripped it as tight as he could, trying to keep it from me. I continued to repeat that it was our toy and we want it back. He had plenty of time with it and now we want it back. I literally had to pull it up over my head to get it away from him.

And do you think a single parent, including this kid's mom, said anything?! Nope. Not a peep. And that right there is why this little shit is a little shit. Because he gets away with it and not a soul will hold him accountable for his behavior. I would never let my son act that way. Needless to say, I was fuming on the inside. And of course, I was the bad guy. And it didn't stop there. That little punk found another toy that he knew belonged to us. I know he knew because as he grabbed it he looked up at me, saw me moving towards him, and promptly tried to hide it behind his back and scurry away. I took that one too. All the while I could feel the burning eyes of judgment on my back. But I know I was doing the right thing so I didn't care. I was more focused on not losing my temper and stooping to his level.

A mortifying experience. I dread experiences like this whenever we do anything that involves other kids and their parents. I could just stay at home or just hang with my own mom-friends. But that's the point I'm trying to make here. I do things I'm not comfortable with because I don't want to restrict my son's experiences on account of my own issues. I want him to have the opportunity to see that there are good people and not-so-good people out there. I have to demonstrate how to handle either kind of person for him because he's still new to all of this and he doesn't know. He's naturally a fairly timid child too, so an easy target for being taken advantage of by kids that are not-so-friendly and I feel that it is my responsibility as a parent to show him that he doesn't have to just take it. I want him to know he can stand up for himself and I will support him in that. And if not, then he can send in mama bear and I will take care of it.

So, my point in all this is that my son will never know the flurry of emotions that go on inside me when I take him to the pool or the museum or the park and there are lots of other kids/parents around. He will never know that sometimes it takes all the effort I can muster just to walk out the door when all I really want to do is stay hidden and secure in my own little bubble. I can only hope that he perhaps sees me as brave and learns from that. I want him to be brave. I think even with social anxieties, actually especially with social anxieties, we get an opportunity to practice bravery every single day. I hope he sees that. I hope he sees that his mom is there for him. I hope he sees that the expectation of a person in this world is to be kind, respectful, compassionate, and generous. I think most of the kids/parents we encounter are really good people, but unfortunately, it's not always the good people that stand out in our minds. But it is a good reminder of what not to be and how not to behave.

So, if you are a parent struggling in this same way, I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone. And THANK YOU for being so brave, facing your fears on the daily, and teaching your child to not be an asshole. We need less of those in the world and more people that are willing to stand up for what is right.

Go out and BE YOU BRAVELY!!

Can We Stop With The Mom-On-Mom Hate Already?

Recently, I read an article about the top 10 moms you'll see at the pool. It really kind of pissed me off. What's with the mom-on-mom hate? The whole article was boxing certain "types of moms" into categories, mostly to loathe. But it's actually a pretty negative perspective on stereotypes, of which I personally consider to be a load of crap.

Here's the thing. We are all moms and as moms, we have enough on our plates to worry about with all this negativity being hurled at us. We are all beautiful in our own way and don't deserve to be boxed. We don't deserve to be loathed. We go to the pool with our kiddos and probably many of us are freaking out inside because we are so worried about other people judging us and our children. We worry about people judging our parenting. We worry about our kids being safe, being friendly, and being a kind. We should not have to worry about someone hating us because we brought a pool noodle or because we play with our kiddo in the pool. We should not have to worry about someone thinking negatively about us because one mom wears a two-piece and another does not.

It's articles like this that put women on the defense as soon as they leave the house. Moms are portrayed as some juvenile petty bitches. And I'll be honest here, some of them are, but the majority of them are not. And I can honestly say that I don't judge a single parent at the pool, except when their kid is being an asshole and they aren't doing anything about it. That's about it. But walking into the place weighed down by negativity isn't going to help anyone.

So here's my personal reflection on the stereotypes illustrated in the article -

The Regulars - Unless you are one of them you probably won't know they are regulars. They are a group of parents who already know each other and find comfort in numbers when venturing out in the world. They are probably really nice, but they may not be looking for new friends, so don't be offended about that.

The Nannies - Unless this person has a sign hanging around their neck that says "nanny" you probably won't know. And not all moms look weary either.

The Fun Mom - Uh ok, why is it not okay for me to have fun with my child? If you're not a parent who enjoys being childish with your child then that's fine, but don't be resentful towards other parents for being that way.

The Phone Mom - Well, this mom is probably on her phone because she has social anxieties or is so self-conscious about herself that it's easier just to avoid any potential eye contact. Or she's just not very attentive when in public places. Some people do believe that when there are other adults around they can slack a bit on their monitoring. I am not one of those moms, but some are. Either way, this doesn't necessarily make them a bad person or worthy of negativity. If you don't know their story, don't make assumptions.

The Toddler Plus New Infant Mom - A mom with a toddler and a new baby. Probably super nice, but will be far too distracted paying attention to multiple things to be a good conversationalist. She might also be completely exhausted but is taking her kids to the pool anyway because she knows they will love it. She's putting them first. So don't be so hard on her.

The Perfect Mom - Ok, first of all, there is no perfect mom, there is only the illusion of the perfect mom. And if by perfect mom you mean someone who works out, eats healthy, and tries really hard to look good, why should she be shamed for it? She probably works hard because that is something that makes her feel good and happy in her life and her body. And good for her!! But she's not special. She is no better than any other mom. She's not trying to appear to be better than everyone. She's probably confident enough in herself not to even care what other people are thinking about her. And she shouldn't. In fact, no mom should. No person should. We are all beautiful and unique and that is the best part about being human!

The Mom Looking For A Friend, Any Friend - Aren't we all? Motherhood can be lonely AF. We all need social connections. There's no shame in that.

The Hippie Mom - Again, just a person with their own opinions about life. Why do we need to degrade them for that? She's probably a really loving parent. Those kids are lucky to have someone work that hard to give them health and happiness.

The Grandma - She's there.

The Discipline Mom - I don't know what kind of mom this is because I rarely ever see one. Maybe that's because I'm her? haha It does really annoy me when kids climb up the slide when other kids are wanting to go down. And I'm pretty vocal about my displeasure with the behavior of other children at playgrounds or the pool. But here's the thing, I don't give a f*ck if someone else thinks I am being overprotective or whatever. Because my kid, who's not currently acting like an asshole will be less likely to grow up to be....an asshole. So go on, judge me.

The bottom line is that every mom has a different story, different personality, different way of dealing with social situations among strangers, and are an awesome and unique human being. We are all struggling in one way or another whether it be with our own inner voice or our perception of how others see us. Why do we, as parents, have to put up all these negative defenses? Why can we not just be civilized adults who are kind to others? How about instead of hating the other parents we see around us all the time because they are different than we are, we just be nice? Everyone will be happier for it!

So that's my schpeel for the day. Let's just go out and be kind.

Sometimes You Learn Things About Yourself Unexpectedly: Why I'm Glad I Watched '13 Reasons Why', But Wouldn't Recommend It

It's been Mental Health Awareness week (May 7 - 13) so I've been viewing a lot of videos of celebrities sharing their own struggles with mental health. One of them in particular (I can't remember who it was...sorry I am terrible at paying attention to who's who in Hollywood) said something about knowing your triggers. This led me to pondering what triggered my recent slippage.

It's important to mention that I am an emotional mirror. I tend to be a sponge when it comes to taking on other people's feelings and this includes artificial emotions as portrayed by actors in a movie or series. In the past, when I am already depressed, I have had the tendency to watch depressing shows or movies. Misery loves company I guess. In the throws of depression it's hard not to wallow. Watching happy things doesn't sponge as well. It usually just makes me feel worse because it reminds me that I have no real reasons to feel so dark inside. But that's depression. Anyway, I'd been in a pretty good place. Then a few things happened. I started a new diet (Keto) so going through carbs withdrawals was challenging, as well as learning where to get needed nutrient from sources other than fruit, my mom came to visit (I love her but that is always super stressful for me for multiple reasons that I won't share publicly because I'm not going to do that to her), and then I binge-watched 13 Reasons Why.

If you haven't heard of this show yet, 13 Reasons Why is a Netflix original show about a teenage girl who commits suicide then leaves a series of tapes explaining what people and experiences led her to making the decision to end her life. It includes a fairly graphic scene of her committing suicide.

I watched it because I work in the field of psychology (well when I'm not a SAHM that is). The field of psychology was going on and on and on about the controversial aspects of this show. Lots of people had been talking about it. I felt that it was important for me to watch it firsthand so I knew why there was so much talk. 

In retrospect, it might not have been the best choice for me to watch it, however, if I had not, I may not have discovered a potential trigger. I was in a pretty good place before I started watching this show. As I continued to watch it, I seemed to spiral down. Clearly, there could be many potential variables here, but I really believe this might have been one of them. The suicide scene in particular sent shivers into my soul. The actress did a fantastic job acting out what a person might actually go through during those moments. The sobbing, heavy breathing, the letting go, the utter emptiness in her eyes. It was a bit scary because I have been in that moment before. That moment right before you do something that could either kill you or change your life forever. It's a very scary place to be. And as she slit her arms and bled out, my heart sank. As her mother found her in a tub full of water and blood, my heart broke. I imagine what it would be like to find my own child in that state. There aren't words. The level of devestation for all parties is quite indescribable. And it was at that point that I almost stopped watching. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't get the image out of my head, the sound of her quick breaths as she sliced through her own flesh and lay there slowing fading away. But for some idiot reason I thought I needed to have knowledge of this so I would know what people were talking about, I watched on. This show pulled me down into dark places that I don't like to be in. It reminded me of pain that I try not to remember. It very well could have been one significant factor in my own slip. 

Since then, I have pondered what my triggers could have been for my recent struggle. I truly believe that, although I kind of wish I wouldn't have watched it now, that it was important for me to. The reason is that it gave me some new insight on myself. I learned that perhaps things like this are something I need to steer clear from. I should've known. I tried reading the series of The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo and couldn't finish. Too much rape. I have never been raped, but being sexually molested is almost as invasive and scarring (I imagine). It triggered me, I felt it, and I stopped reading. 

So, if you are considering watching this show, I caution you. It is hard to watch and hard to forget. If you have a past that could potentially be triggered by this show, don't watch it. You won't miss out. Besides the triggers, it's also kind of horrible in how it portrays the girl. She never seems to try very hard to fight for herself then she leaves a trail of blame behind her which can be equally torturous for those that may have cared about her. They will blame themselves even more. It's a contagion. It also sends a message that grown ups won't help, won't listen, and won't reach out. It really is kind of a horrible show in all honestly, but only in that way. The actors were excellent and the show itself cinematically, was well done. However, had they had experts consulting them on this show perhaps the meat of it could have been more tasteful, realistic, and less inaccurate. 

In any case, I learned a valuable lesson here. And I am happy to share that I think I have finally pulled myself out of that gray funk it took me to. Thank goodness for running and yoga!! So, if you're considering this show or wondering perhaps why you may be slipping, take note of what you're exposing yourself to. You may be getting triggered without realizing it. 

For Me It Wasn't JUST a 5k

So I wrote a whole big post about this and somehow my cache didn't work so I lost everything. Therefore, I sit and write again for those who are interested in reading. Maybe it was fate. My entry was half-assed, I'll admit. I have been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Depression has crept back in and I am working on trying to figure out why. I have been uninspired.

I think my nutrients are off because of my new diet annnnnd well, I hate to admit it but I have fallen back to bad habits of not eating at all. I've been kind of a wreck inside lately. Mainly because I work out every fucking day and see almost no results. So I change my diet (temporary Keto then low carb after). And still, nothing. So nevertheless I fell into not eating again. It's hard when I'm just not ever hungry. Nothing sounds good when you aren't hungry. And I haven't been hungry because I'm in ketosis. So, I just gotta feed myself when I need it and I haven't been doing that.

But here's the real deal for this post. I ran my very first legit 5k. And regardless of the naysayers (yes I'm still a bit butthurt from that lady at the fitness center who scoffed at my just a 5k) I fucking did it. And I worked hard for this. I pushed myself. I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from that little gray cloud of depression that tends to lurk in the shadows. Probably true to some extent actually. And lately, I've been working out harder and running more because I am feeling it creep back a little.

The feeling at the end of the run was something I may have trouble describing. I felt a rush of emotion. I was a bit surprised at myself. I have always been the type of person that gives up pretty easily when it comes to physical struggles. I've ridden the roller coaster of weight loss my whole life. But this time I didn't give up. I knew I'd be slow, but that's not what's important to me. The important thing is that I set a goal to do this thing and I did it!

If you notice, I didn't wear the t-shirt that came with the run. It was important to me, for my first 5k, can. I have been persisting for quite some time. I wouldn't be where I am in life today at all if I had believed those people. And that is what it meant to me. I did something important that some people didn't think I could. I wanted to have something special, so I had a custom tank made at a local business that read "Nevertheless, she persisted". (Thanks 24hr Tees!) Now, I am fully aware of the political meaning behind this phrase and it is perfectly appropriate for this occasion. As a woman, it's perfectly appropriate for any occasion where a woman rises above and challenges society's view of women. But it also meant more to me than just that. This phrase resonates with me because as I run I carry the weight of my past. I hear the echoes of people in my head who didn't believe in me and said I can't do things. I fuel myself on proving to them and myself that I can.

Some of the reason behind my persistence was proving to others that I could do it. But I was also trying to prove it to myself. I did this for me. I did this because I love running. I love pushing myself. I love the feeling of accomplishing something awesome. I run for my life. I run for me. I run because I love running and I love myself. This is the one body I will have for this life and I want to treat it well. I deserve that much. I deserve to feel amazing and strong.

I'd also add that part of this experience was enhanced by the fact that my sister-in-law did it with me. She is such an incredible woman. She has had my back no matter what. She cheers me on, pushes me, and loves me unconditionally. She's the best kind of running partner. I love her so much more than words are able to express and am deeply grateful that I was able to share this experience with her. The first of many!!

So onward I go. Another 5k in June and August. Zombie run in October. And that might be it for me this year. Next year I aim to do the Warrior Dash and a few others probably. This little "hobby" of mine is probably here to stay. I will keep running as long as I am able. I won't quit. I will persist.

Don't Tell My Son Not To Cry

I'm always a little surprised when people say things to my son that they think I will approve of. Like telling him that boys don't paint their nails or that he shouldn't wear pink. I  really  hate it when someone tells my son he's okay after he gets hurt or is upset about something. Don't tell my son how he feels. He knows how he feels and his feelings should be validated and respected. Just because he happens to be a boy doesn't mean he's not allowed to feel. Some of these things do tend to light a fire inside me, and I have to make a pretty great effort not to say something rude. I try to be nice about it, because I know they don't mean to be assholes, they were just raised that way, but it still really kind of pisses me off.

I don't want my son to feel limited by his gender. I don't want him to feel like he can't express himself in whatever makes him feel good about being him. Now, I know that someday the influence of peers and the desire to be accepted will come into play and he will learn that some things just aren't going to be ignored by society. He may or may not listen to those idiots. Time will tell. But in the meantime, while he is still young and fairly innocent about life I want him to be himself. I want him to feel like it's normal and okay for him to cry if he's hurt or sad. Anger is okay too as long as it's channeled and dealt with properly .

Humans have emotions. Boys are humans. And no one has a right to tell my son to "suck it up", "man up" (I'll never understand that one...men are such whiners! haha Seriously, get them sick with a little bug and you'll see), "dry up", etc. I want my son to know that crying makes you a man. At least it does in my opinion. A man who is comfortable expressing his feelings is better to me than one who stifles them and stuffs them away. Stuffed emotions can cause all sorts of issues. I don't want that for him.

This Crazy Keto Diet

This diet has been surprisingly easy. At first, it was a challenge. Going through carb withdrawals was hard. I wanted to eat ALL the easter candy. I wanted to eat the fruit! I still want all the fruit, but the rest has become kind of meh.

I allowed myself a break for the Easter holiday and it took me a week to get back in ketosis. I indulged slightly in refined sugars and homemade goodies. What I discovered is that my palette has changed. The refined sugars that my brain kept telling me were so good and that I just had to have, didn't taste as good anymore. I used to have to have sugar in my green tea, and now I don't need any sweeteners at all. Even Stevia is a bit too sweet for me anymore and I am working on reducing that in my bulletproof coffee for the day as well. (Plus artificial sweeteners with no calories just make me a little nervous to be consuming a lot of.)

Fruits have become my candy. I would choose that over a chocolate Cadbury egg any day! And actually, when I allowed myself the cheat day, I mostly ate grapes. They were so good!! At the same time, my tummy has shrunk so my indulgence was kept to a decently moderate level. I was prepared to indulge till I bloated. That's what I would typically do. But this time I didn't I hate that feeling enough to not want to go there if I can control it. And it seems that since I have cleansed my palette in a way, it is easier to do that.

I am more satiated when I need to be and not freaking starving all the time. Seriously, when I was scarfing down carbs (including fruits) I never felt full. I was eating all the time. I didn't really even mean to, I was just hungry all the time. And I hate being hungry.

Bulletproof coffee is the shit. OMG I never imagine a drink concoction would be so delicious! And it keeps me feeling full for most of the day. I get the caffeine boost I need plus the fats to make me feel full and satiated. It's amazing.

I actually feel more in tune with what my body is trying to tell me now. Now that I'm not thinking I need to eat constantly I am better able to attend to thirst. I crave nutritious foods. I crave meat. I drink more water. I feel less bloated. I feel more energized.

I haven't lost much weight yet. The initial 8 pounds I thought I lost seems to have possibly been a scale fail. So I have potentially only lost 3 pounds so far. But even though the scale says I haven't lost much weight, I know I've lost something because my clothes are less tight and my tummy is way less bloated. I look in the mirror and I see change. That's really the main thing that means something to me. Scales are evil.

But I am so far doing pretty well with this process. We will see how far I can take it!

I Am Worth The Time, Expense, & Energy It Takes To Make Me Feel Beautiful

In my youth, I rarely went out without having done my hair and makeup. Back then I did it because I wanted other people to see me a certain way. I wanted them to see me and find me physically acceptable and worthy of whatever because I was not ugly. Somehow I got the idea that my worth was based on my appearance (sarcasm...). I used to spend up to 3 hours doing my hair and makeup! Yes, insane right?! Everything had to look perfect. No crimps in my hair. Nothing amiss or off center. I scrutinized my face and hair for 3 hours! Awful! What a waste of time. And I doubt anyone would have even cared that I had a chunk of hair that didn't get straightened. And I lost all that time for strangers. For my perceived reality where everyone I encountered would judge me negatively. In reality, none of those people probably even cared.

Now that I'm older, I do venture out sans makeup occasionally without feeling horrified by the (IMO) so that saves a ton of time. Messy buns are also pretty great (as long as they don't take more than 3 minutes to put up, then they just piss me off). Most of the time I do my makeup. I do this in part because I am a horrible face toucher and compulsive picker. So if I have makeup on I reduce my face touching and won't pick as much. And it's not because I don't care what I look like, but I don't care what I look like to other people.
thought. I'll even leave strands of hair unstraightened. Actually, I have embraced my natural waves, which are pretty awesome

As I have learned to love me for me, I have also learned that I don't really care what other people think of me when they judge me based on my appearance. And quite honestly, 95% of the people looking at me when I go out of the house are probably far too wrapped up in their own self-conscious thoughts to even really consciously see me at all.

I get dressed and polished for me. I don't do it for the strangers I may encounter during the day. I don't do it so people will think I'm pretty (honestly, most of the time I really don't desire that kind of attention from anyone). I don't do it because society has shaped my thoughts and made me believe that in order to be a worthwhile woman in society I must be beautiful. Nope. I do it for me. I do it because I like looking at my face when I feel like I look pretty. It boosts my confidence. It makes me feel good to take care of my appearance. And that goes for fitness too. It's all about serving myself. Giving myself the things I need to look in the mirror and think nice thoughts. To express love and care for my own well-being.

Mornings are never ending if I don't get dressed and polished. I tend to feel depressed, negative, sluggish, unmotivated. Even if I've worked out. I have to get dressed for the day. I have to. And I deserve that! I know too many women who become moms and then just give up on doing things for themselves. And often that includes their appearance. Moms do tend to go automatic with putting themselves last. But I have found that when I put myself first (in a sense) I am able to be a better mom. I am happier and more patient. So, it's essential that I take the time to polish up for the day.

Significant Results Require Significant Actions: My Keto Diet

I have only recently learned of this thing called the Keto Diet. My husband actually was the one who told me about it. It was kind of funny how it came about right as I was feeling like I'm in quite a rut. And typically I don't buy fad diets nor do I participate in them. However, when you work out on a daily basis and don't lose any squishies then it's possible something is not going right. I realized that something's gotta give and carbs are it.

My goal in this is to basically get a jump start. I want to rid pounds of fat from my body so I can feel comfortable and look good to myself. I'm not hating on myself, which is different than what it has been for me in the past. I used to just shame myself into diets and working out. So I would just resent it and then quit altogether eventually. But now I have a good fitness routine and my heart is committed to it. It seemed like an easy next goal to tackle my daily diet.

I began first, before I even started Keto, by limiting carbs already. But I was thinking of things like bread, pasta, and rice. The Keto Diet reminds me that sugars are carbs too, even natural ones from fruit. It occurred to me that I do eat too many carbs. (And I am certain that eating all those cookies didn't help.) 

It was a moderately simple transition into the Keto Diet for me because I was already on somewhat of a restrictive normal diet. I know that restrictive sounds just terrible to some people, but I personally believe we have to work with what our bodies tell us. Mine tells me that carbs are not my friend, so I listen. And they aren't. I LOVE sugar. Like serious addict here. And pasta! Yum. Bread. Oh pass the buttah! But all these things that I like eating so much make me feel bloated and tired. My GI track isn't a big fan either. And when I eat too much sugar I get sores on my tongue. Besides all those things, it also makes my fat come back to visit. And I don't really want her to visit after she's left. So, a change must happen.

So far it has not been super hard. There are times I really want to eat something, but not because I'm hungry. Just because I long for the taste and texture. The magic bulletproof coffee method really works for me. I have it in the morning and afternoon. It keeps me from munching in between meals because I just don't get hungry until it's actually time to eat. I also appreciate that I can eat things that are good, like bacon and eggs. I do miss the fruit, but it is only temporary so I will taste them again. 

It's been working for me thus far. I tested myself the other day and my body is in ketosis. I've weighed in twice since I started and I have lost 6 pounds so far. I started on April 1st. So that's a pound a day on average. It's made it easier to prepare dinner at night since my husband is partially joining me on this diet journey. 

At this point, I am excited about this diet, but we will see how long it lasts. Sometimes those donuts look so freaking delicious. Right now my self-control is winning!

Feed Your Obsession: Fitness Gear For The Frugal Female

I don't know about other women who are into fitness, but I have discovered an obsession I didn't know I had: Fitness Clothes. Oh my goodness, I honestly don't know if I can have enough tank tops and leggings? When I go shopping for groceries I have to pry myself away from the fitness clothes like a person on a sugar fast does from the bakery section. And as much as I would love to buy all the cute things imaginable, I am an average, middle-American woman on a budget. So, those leggings will have to remain lonely without me.

Although when I do actually need more, I like to make sure I am getting something cheap, but with quality. This pair of requirements does not come easily. They also cannot be see through when bending over and have to stay up when I run.

Old Navy active wear is my absolute favorite! They are thick, long, and don't fall down at all when I go running. I buy them on clearance. They freaking rock.

One of my other favorites can be found here



I love these! They are buttery soft, lightweight, cheap, and not see through. Longevity could be an issue, but they are so cheap it's won't matter. I have had mine for 8 months or more so far and they have held up well. They do fall a little when I run, but not enough to drive me bat-shit crazy like one other pair I have.

Walmart has tank tops in a variety of colors and patterns for only $3.88 on a regular basis. I am addicted to these.

Getting gear to excite you about fitness is a great thing! And it doesn't have to break the bank. It does, however, have to be comfortable and make you feel good about yourself!

It's Not All Good All The Time And That's Okay!

Sometimes life is a bit like barbed wire;
at times smooth and straight,
other times a bit sharp and painful.
Photo by me! 

I believe everyone has their own set of challenges. Mine are no worse or better than another's. But I find often that when people share their stories it helps someone out there feel a little less alone.

I will just be honest, I battle with depression. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I've been to some pretty dark and unpleasant places. And when I say "battle" that is precisely what I mean. Because sometimes it's a battle to get out of bed, to leave the house. to talk to a human. Sometimes is a battle just to smile. Sometimes the sinking feeling inside is more than a tingle, but rather a whole wide pool you are sinking in. There are times I battle with myself over plans that I have made with a friend to follow through. I want to do things, but for whatever reason, when it comes right to it I get super anxious and a strong urge to just crawl under a rock and hide.

There are some pretty dark places we find ourselves in when in the throws of a deppressive state. It's really hard sometimes. And one of the pieces I find to be most challenging is recognizing that it's "normal" to not always be happy. Even "normal" people have days of meh. What's important and vital is identifying the set of tools you use to pull yourself out of the meh before you slip deep down into the darkness again. One of the tools that benefit me the most is exercise. Yoga and running are particularly cathartic for me.

Whenever I settle down on my mat, I set a purpose for my practice. I have a focus for a mindset I need to strengthen. Lately, I've been feeling a bit melancholy and introverted. I have had little to no desire to leave the house. I feel like I should want to but the thought of it makes my whole chest tense up with anxiety. I feel like I have no reason to feel so meh and I need to get myself out of this funk. But, what I really desire is some time alone in my thoughts. Some spiritual silence. I need to connect with myself. And there is no better place to do that than on my mat.

Today's yoga practice focused on understanding that spirituality (that being the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things) doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time, it simply asks you to be with what is. Being grateful; and positive in every moment is not realistic. Spirituality (in whatever form you practice this in) is about being with what is - being awake. Allowing the moments to unfold before you and to hopefully respond with strength, grace, curiosity, and compassion. That means sometimes we will not be happy and that is normal. I think this is especially hard to deal with when you battle depression. It's hard to know when you're just having a normal meh day or if something is tripping your trigger so to speak. Whenever I feel that sinking feeling I always try to figure out why. Am I over scheduling myself, am I doing more than I need to be, am I getting too distracted from life and not being mindful/present, have I spent enough quality time with people I love, am I caring for myself?

This way of thinking and being can apply to parenthood as well, particularly SAHPs (stay-at-home-parents) because we often criticize ourselves for our feelings of loneliness or our need to be selfish every now and then. There is the unrealistic expectation (whether real or perceived) that because we are so lucky to be able to stay at home raising our children that we should always be full of joy and gratefulness. But that is not real. Parenting is hard! Anyone doing it knows this truth. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a full spectrum of emotion because you are a SAHP or even a working parent then they need a good thump in the forehead. That just isn't real. Real is recognizing that you are human, an imperfect, beautiful human who has lots of different emotions. Sometimes individuals have a harder time coping with these emotions than others, but that doesn't make us any less worthy of joy and profound love. It doesn't make us jerks.

Depression is sneaky. It can creep up like a cloud and turn into darkened skies full of despair. A person who battles depression has to be vigilant always lest we slip and tumble to a place we don't want to visit. Feeling meh can be a recipe for disaster if you don't have a way to let the light in. But it's okay to feel a little down every now and then, or be a little grumpy. The trick is what you do with those feelings. Do you allow them to consume you or do you face them and thump them in the forehead?

Don't beat yourself up for not being joyful every moment of every day and don't allow someone else to beat you up about it either. And while you are accepting these feelings, it's also important to have a set of tools to help you get through it. That doesn't necessarily mean that your tool will instantly make you happy again. It doesn't always work that way, although sometimes it does. Exercise does that for me most of the time, but not always. The important thing is that you recognize that it is okay to not always be in the best mood, but also not to allow it to bring you down further than is necessary. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Be compassionate. Do what needs doing and carve out a little time to do something you need to carry on in life. Love yourself.

Namaste

Guest Writer - My Son

A friend of mine who also writes a blog recently posted an adorable entry her daughter did completely independently. I loved the idea of having the toddler do their own blog post so much that I decided I was going to try it out too. Except I am going to translate what he says instead of just letting him smash on the keyboard.

Here is his very first blog post (interview style):

M: So, if you were to write a blog about something what would you want to talk about?
E: I want to play ABC Mouse.

(plays ABC mouse for a few minutes)

M: What is something that makes you feel happy and good about yourself?
E: I don't know. Mommy, I'm so hungry!

M: Do you like working out with mommy?
E: No.

M: Why not?
E: Because I think it's bad. 

M: What's bad about it?
E: I don't know. Did you hear the marbles go blah blah blah?!

M: Do you have anything else you would like to share?
E: I don't wanna.

And that is pretty much how our conversations tend to go. Some of the time he actually does have some form of exchange that stays more on topic. Not today! haha Gotta love him!

Attend To Your Derailing Switches

Recently, I pulled through a local coffee stop to indulge in a delicious smoothie filled with chia seeds, protein, and an energy boost (whatever that is...). As I waited in line I noticed this sign. The decor design of the place is themed on trains. (Super cute really. I love this place.) So this sign in its basic state of interpretation is meant to refer to trains (A derail or derailer is a device used to prevent fouling of a rail track (by anything being present on the track, such as a person, a train or a fallen branch) by unauthorized movements of trains or unattended rolling stock.).

My interpretation of the phrase went a bit deeper. It made me think of things that derail me from my fitness, my attention, my focus, and my kinder inner voice. I know we all have them. Everyone has that something the throws them off track. There are cookies, of course. Or on a more personal level maybe there's a person in your life that sweeps in and creates havoc then disappears again. Perhaps your self-doubt is strong and your lack of confidence is stifling. Maybe you let yourself get derailed because you don't value yourself enough. Maybe pizza is just too fucking good.

I tend to get derailed when I neglect my self-care. Even if I do it for the right reasons feeling like I'm listening to my body and it needs a break. Or if I'm sick. I went 3 days without yoga a few weeks ago because I was feeling under the weather and worried that I'd get a full blown cold. SO I took it easy thinking that would help prevent me from getting sick. It didn't, but those 3 days were hard on me! I started losing my motivation. I felt more meloncholy. I was tired. I was grumpy. I wasn't focused. When I started hearing that negative inner voice again I knew it was time to do something about it. I had been derailed and now it was time to woman up and get myself back on track.

Sometimes it's things that other people say that send me flying. The first time I attended a new fitness center class there was a woman there who said something to me that still sort of rings in my head. I was talking about how I was really excited to do my first 5k and color run. She responded saying, "Oh, just a 5k. I just got done doing a 10k." Old me would have allowed that comment to sink in like a burr. It would have angered and irritated me, possibly spreading an infection throughout my inner mind. When those words came out of her mouth I felt a slight tingle inside. It was that old me wanting to get out. But I stifled her. And I responded to this woman with playful sarcasm and said, "Oh just a 5k? I'm pretty proud of getting that far. Good for you on the 10k! That must have been a real challenge. Maybe someday I'll get to that." I laughed kindly and just sort of brushed it off. I could tell she felt like a jackass for sticking her foot in her mouth. That was sufficient enough for me. I didn't need to make her feel worse, nor did I need to let it poison my mind. I didn't know this woman and she didn't know me. I can assume she didn't mean what she said in a hurtful way. And even if she did, it doesn't matter. Because she doesn't know me well enough to judge me and the people that do know me well enough to judge me, won't. I'm proud of where I am in my journey. Even the beginning is a worthy place to be. Because that means you have finally realized that you are important enough to love and care for.

With regard to less mental derailment and more healthy eating derailment. Those are pretty easy to count off. Holidays are the worst. I tend to indulge way WAY more than I should. Or anytime I bake. My son loves to help in the kitchen and loves baking. So naturally, he always wants to make cookies. The only problem is that mommy loves cookies and lacks the self-control required to stay away from them! haha But seriously, right now just thinking about it makes me want to go make some and then eat them all. Yes, all of them. Even though I know the suffering it will cause. The bloating. The sugar hangover the next morning. I would eat them all anyway.

The bottom line is that whatever your reason, whatever it is you feel derailed from, give it some attention. Address it. Find some way to help set you back on the tracks. Maybe a good talk with a friend. Perhaps a date night with the significant other. Take a hot bath and drink something with alcohol.  Maybe just drop your devices, get on the floor, and play with your kids. Be present. Do something nice for yourself. Sometimes it's hard to give ourselves enough attention to get back on track before the derailment becomes a lingering challenge. The sooner you face it, the easier it is to deal with.

What derails you? Feel free to share in the comments.

Namaste

10 Reasons I am #RockingMotherhood

I was challenged to do the #RockingMotherhood Challenge by my dear friend and blogger, Alicia Knust at Adventures With My Littles. (Thanks friend!)

The purpose of this challenge is to bring focus to at least 10 things I believe make me a good mother. I really believe that moms deserve credit for all the things they do. Raising humans is not easy. Sometimes it can really break you down. I think as mothers we don't' hear it enough what we're doing right from other people. But more so, I think we forget to be kind to ourselves too.

I don't know any fellow bloggers to tag, but if you are reading this, I challenge you to make a list for yourself. And while you're at it make another list of your own positive attributes. Because we are more than just mothers and it's important that we recognize our value as humans too. #fallinlovewithyourself

So, here we go. 

My 10 #RockingMotherhood Things:

1. I'm still a bit of a child myself. I laugh about poop and farts. I like to splash in puddles and crack thin ice under my boots. I love to laugh, make up games, and be silly. This works out really well when you have a little one. We have a lot of fun together.

2. I am willing to walk slowly. My son is a slow moving sloth when it comes to going anywhere. He loves to just look and touch everything around us. He reminds me to stop and observe the world. To really see it. It's so beautiful.

3. I choose my battles. Sometimes you just gotta let some shit go. It's just not worth it. And my parenting is not about control. It's about learning to be a better person while helping my son learn to be a good person.

4. I take fitness and healthy eating very seriously. I want very much for my son to understand the value of good health and fitness. I learned late in life and have to wonder where I might be if I hadn't come in so late in the game.

5. I use words and phrases that I want to become my son's inner voice. I cheer him on, always reminding him that if he keeps trying he can do it. And if he can't, that's okay too. Sometimes we can't do things, but with enough practice and time, we can improve. I say to him, "You are a good person. You are kind. You are compassionate. You are thoughtful. You are a hard worker. You are a good helper. You make my heart so happy." And these are the things I hear him saying to others when they struggle. He's always encouraging. It's hard to say no to him when he's already said, "You can do it Mom, don't worry." I set him up to live up to a belief I already have of him and he does the same for others.

6. I am honest and respectful to my son. When you have a strong willed child you cannot just tell them what to do. You will be in for a world of hurt. The power struggle will be endless. I often have to explain why I expect him to do a certain thing and once he understands the "why" he is much more accepting of the situations expectations. He's a pretty well-behaved kid. I was really proud of him the other day when I attended a fitness class with him in tow. There was child care there, but he's never been dropped off with a stranger before, so naturally he was not comfortable with it. So he hovered beside me while I worked out quietly trying to get me to go in the room with him and making mean muggin faces, but he didn't throw a huge fit. At one point he even wanted to join in the weight lifting portion. But I was so proud of him for being so brave and not throwing a fit when mommy wanted to do something different.

7. I show him a lot of affection and if I am busy and he wants a nuggle, he gets a nuggle. I am hyper aware of the fleeting time I have with my son as he is little and loving and oh so snuggly. So I eat up these moments. I show him physical affection as well as verbal. I never ever want him to doubt whether I love him or how much.

8. I let him learn through experience. If it's safe and he's not going to harm himself in a major way, then often I will just let it happen. He can't learn if I am always there to catch him or rescue him. That's not real life. Sometimes he's going to have to get back up on his own and I want him to be able to do that.

9. I show him how important it is to be helpful and kind to others. I don't want my son growing up to be an asshole. I want him to be the kind of guy that will help an old lady reach something on a high shelf. I want him to be the kind of guy who really sees people and shows them their value in gestures of kindness. I want him to have compassion and empathy.

10. I teach him everyday about all kinds of things from gardening to letter sound. Granted, my teaching is unstructured, but he is always learning. He's a very curious little guy and I love it!

I Don't Take A Lot of Pictures of My Son and Here's Why

According to statistics from a 2015 Trends Report, the average adult spends 2.8 hours a day on their mobile device.That's almost 3 hours a day spent not really being present. And that's only average! I'm sure I use my phone about that much or more. But when I am engaging with my son, I put it down. When he wants to play, we play and I am present.


When I first started practicing yoga I began to understand what it meant to be truly mindful and in the present. And as I worked mindfulness into my life I noticed that there was a significant decrease in the number of photos I've taken, particularly of my family.

You'd think that taking photos of your present moments would be inherently mindful, but in fact, there does feel like a disconnect when I am viewing my life through a lens. Of course, it's not always this way. Often I photograph things that move me or intrigue me. But when it comes to human interactions I tend to feel like I'm putting up a window. I can see what's going on, but I'm not really in it. There's a wall.

Upon further ponderance, it occurred to me that in the past, I often used my camera as a barrier or a way to escape a situation that I, for whatever reason, don't want to be in. I used it to escape reality. To distract me from my own negative, self-conscious panic and avoid any real connection with people. I disliked myself so much that I was convinced that no one else would like me much either.

I was very self-conscious for a long time in my life. And as I have become more comfortable and really connected and be absolutely present. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I stayed inside this safe bubble and missed out on really connecting with people.
secure with who I am I've put down the camera when I'm in a situation where I am interacting with people I care about. Because I want to be really there.

As I have learned to be more mindful of internal and external stimuli I tend to take less pictures of my son. There are times I wish I wouldn't have missed the opportunity to save some moment in time, but I try to pack it away in my heart hoping I won't forget. He is growing up so fast. I know that all the things I savor are fleeting at every stage. And I want to be in them; like really in them. I don't want to be distracted by trying to take his picture. And in the spirit of honesty, I'll admit that about 50% of the reason here too is that he wants to be naked all the time. And I would feel weird posting nude photos of my son for anyone to see. However, the fact that I want to be paying real attention to my son is the bigger reason.

If you find yourself stuck behind a screen so much that you feel disconnected from the things that make your heart joyful, perhaps it's time to evaluate that. Life is so short. No one wants to be at the end and wish they would have done something different. If this is something that nags at you, address it. Put the device down, breathe, and see.

Before I Became a Parent I Had All Sorts of Opinions on the Matter *cue laughter*

Recently I posted a Facebook status just for funsies about what we all know to be true as parents. We all said "I would never..." about multiple things before we were in the reality of parenthood. I had to laugh at myself the other day because I remembered how adamant I was about not allowing my child more than the research-based recommendation of screen time (2 hours tops per day). Now, I do have to clarify (for my own sake) that I do try to stick to this 2 hours or less. Before I was a parent I said I would never use the TV to occupy my child so I could get something done. Well, ha ha ha I do that now.

So this got me thinking about what else I might have been delusional about. Let's make a list! I like lists.

1. My child will never act like that in public. Oh man, this one is the best. I think every single non-parent thinks this. And no one ever really gets it until they become a parent of a toddler. No matter how good of a parent you are, you child will absolutely positively act like that in public at least once, sometimes more. If you are lucky, it won't happen often. My son has not had a major tantrum in public since the first drop-down-screaming-practically-drag-him-out-of-the-store we had where he learned that mommy is as stubborn as he is and he just isn't going to win. We still have minor emotional outbursts, but nothing to the degree that it was the first time he was testing it out.

2. I'll never let my child have their own electronic device. Um, yeah...you're only punishing yourself here. Besides, we live in an electronic age. You wouldn't want your child to be behind the times would you?

3. I'll never sing out loud and/or in public just to annoy my child. (because my mom used to do that and it was so mortifying!) Mine doesn't get embarrassed about it yet, but he does tell me to stop singing. So naturally, I sing louder and more dramatically. He's kind of cute when he's mad sometimes.

4. I'll never feed my child things like hot dogs and he will eat what he is given or go hungry. Yeah, nothing like a tired, starving toddler to deal with in the evening while trying to wind down and get ready for sleep. I might be weak...yeah probably that's the case. But this is not a battle I am willing to fight. I won't win. My son once went 2 hours fighting me about taking one little bite of pudding. Pudding! He picked it out and then decided he didn't want to eat it. I wasn't going to let him just waste it and get something else. 2 hours! Eventually, it was time for bed so he kind of won that one by default. And he will go hungry. He'll be a complete mess and be hungry and still refuse to eat something that he didn't pick or that isn't on his "list of foods I'll eat this week". My kid is nothing if not persistent. And honestly, this is a characteristic that can be channeled for good so I try not to snuff it out. I work with it. We choose our battles.

5. I'll make sure we have a fully structured day, complete with "school time". I'm terrible about this. I teach him, yes, but it's all as we go along. Sometimes we sit down and do a learning activity and that last for about 3 minutes. I had every intention of working hard to make my son an academic child, but that has changed. He's still pretty good. He knows all his letters and he can count to 20 without help. He learns things quickly. But here's my thing, he's a kid. He only gets to be a kid once, and that time as a fully innocent and unencumbered youth is so fleeting. I would rather he spend this time exploring his creativity, learning how to be a good human, doing things that bring him happiness. And I want to join him in this. I want to give him what I didn't have...a peaceful childhood. He doesn't have to worry about whether his father will come home that day in a terrible mood and yell at him. He doesn't have to worry about being neglected or left alone for hours. He doesn't have to fight with siblings for toys or attention. He is blessed. I want him to be able to enjoy this little time he has to just be free to explore things he's passionate about and feel utterly loved. Also, I am only a semi-structured person. I used to be much more controlling, but have become much more flexible as I age. Life is too short to live it in a rigid schedule. I would miss out of so many special moments if I stuck to a rigid lifestyle.

I'm sure there are more and will be more to come. The fact is that, much like life, raising a child can't be planned. They have their own personality and ideas about life. Sometimes that doesn't fit in with our "plans". My son is not a fan of the arts. He doesn't really like to watch movies or theatre. He doesn't enjoy coloring, drawing, or painting for very long. He does love photography and he loves building and creating. He likes to make up his own games and be creative in a hands-on sort of way.

Every parent has a list. And quite frankly, that's ok! That means you, as a parent, are flexible and you embrace challenges to your "plans". And that, my friend, is very important when raising a child. We can't put them in the box we idealized for them. In fact, as parents, we shouldn't even put ourselves in a box. We are all unique and that means your approach to parents is going to be different from other people and probably different for each of your children in small ways. So don't be ashamed that you have violated your before-I-became-a-parent ideas. Be proud. Because that means you care enough about your child to meet them where they are and that you have accepted the reality that parenting is crazy hard sometimes no matter how good you are at it.

You all rock! Keep doing what you're doing and love those little ones with all your might!

A Day Without A Woman

Today is National Women's Day and also the International Day Without A Woman. It's a protest of sorts to shed light on how important women are in society and point out that we get very little recognitions for our role in it. So today we don't participate in society. We don't work. We don't do whatever it is we do to keep our world afloat around us. Why? Well, I honestly believe every woman involved in this has their own blend of reasons. For some, it's marginalization, discrimination, sexism, or general lack of appreciation. For some, it's to shed light on how tolerant our society is of sexual assault and harassment towards women. So whatever your reason, if you are participating in any way, you rock. Keep being #nasty.

I think it is unclear how this movement began. There are many reasons. And honestly, it's been an ongoing movement for years and years. But recently, many of us are disillusioned. We thought we understood the world, our nation, our values. We had a greater respect for our fellow humans because we thought we had come so far. We have, but as it turns out, not quite as far as we thought and definitely not far enough.

For me, this attitude of expecting to be respected as a human and not dismissed because I am a woman started at a very young age. I was often told I couldn't do certain things because I'm a girl. And sometimes I even fell for these lies. Sometimes I believed them. But they aren't true. My value does not decline simply because I am a woman. I am a human of value. I deserve respect for my mind and my body. I deserve to have the same chance at success as any other person who works hard and I deserve to be compensated for it based on merit, not sex. I deserve respect because I do a lot of little things all the time that creates a ripple effect for goodness in the world. I deserve birth control and maternity care to be covered by my insurance. I deserve to choose what to do with my own body.

The beginning of my following this movement more passionately than before started when a presidential candidate who treats women like they are dirt and thinks he has a right to invade their untouchables became a probable candidate to lead our nation. Aside from the numerous other faults this man has, he was still voted in by people I know. Those people saw his treatment of women as something that could be ignored. It was a lesser evil for them. And that's the part that gets me. Yes, I was a Hillary fan, I'll admit. But for me, it wasn't about her winning. It was about a man who won who also exhibits several distasteful behaviors and attitudes about people other than himself. He's grotesque. He's spiteful and hateful. Why on earth would my fellow Americans want this kind of person to represent and lead our nation? I'm fairly certain I will be pondering on that question for a long time. It's hard to wrap my head around.

I follow this movement and am a humble part of it for many reasons. Some mentioned here. Today I choose how I was to engage in the world. That's a right I am lucky to have. I am a SAHM who can sit on my ass all day if I really wanted to. Today I do what I want to do. I might fold that pile of laundry today, or I might not. I did some dishes because I cannot handle a dirty kitchen. I am going to be a mom and get as many nuggles as I can.

It's supposed to be a day without a woman, but let's be honest here. Mom's can't really take the day off. My son, and probably my husband, might possibly starve to death. I would be punished with a psycho-wound-up todller at the end of the day. My house would continue to be a complete disaster (oh ok it's like that pretty much every day...) But you know what I mean if you're a parent. You don't take time off. Even if you are in some way "taking a break" from your kid, I'm betting your thinking about their safety or some small necessity right now that they might now be getting because you're not there. You don't even stop being a mom. So, yes my son's experience of a #DayWithoutAWoman is no different than every other day. I am always going to be here for him if I can be. That's a luxury I have and I am grateful for it. Certainly, there are times that I feel unappreciated. I do a lot to keep our lives running smoothly and often don't hear much of a "thank you". But often times I find myself doing these mom things because I like it.

I am at least wearing red today. I might not get that laundry folded though. We'll see.

I'm A Mom Content With Just One Child

This year I have exchanged daytime naps for nighttime sleep induced by mommy singing. I think it's a decent trade-off really. At first, I hated losing naps. But I have come to learn that most of the time it's more convenient. It has freed up our daily schedule quite a bit and permits me to do other things, like work for the family business a little bit.

I think the thing I love the most is how tired my sweet boy is at the end of the day. Now, I know that seems crazy, because when he's tired he can be a bit...emotional. However, with him being so tired, he's ready for bed when it's time and eager to fall asleep to mommy's singing. 

I would say most nights after he falls asleep, I lay there for just a little longer. I hold him, smell his head (yes for some reason I just love his smell!), kiss his cheeks. I do this because I know that moments like this will fade. Someday he won't need me to sing him to sleep. Someday he won't even want me in his bedroom. So, for this time I embrace it with all I can. I try to remember the feeling of his tiny body sighing with exhaustion as he slowly drifts into dreamland. I take a long moment to pause and soak it all up. He is my only child and I love it.

There are so many of these moments that I am thankful to be able to be really in. Thus is the luxury of only having one child. I get to really attend to him and every moment. And just to be clear, I am in no way saying that parents with more than one child cannot be attentive. It is probably more challenging, but I have no way of making that call as I am not a mother of more than one child. That said, I can only imagine based on my own observations of people with more than one child that it would not be for me. I have a hard enough time being mindful and in the moment. If I had to attend to more than one child I might lose my sanity completely. 

For as long as I can remember I wanted to have two kids. I thought this was the perfect number. One for each parent. But then getting pregnant seemed to be harder than I expected and I didn't have my first child until I was 30. And the pregnancy was pretty fine. I did have GD and gained a ton of weight. I had a hard time sleeping and the birth did not go even remotely as I envisioned it. But in the end, we got a wonderful little guy. And I have been loving him as much as possible since then. 

For a little while, I had some serious baby fever. But when I did the pros and cons list, I just knew in my heart that it wasn't going to happen. My husband wasn't ready, I was not mentally ready for the stress of another infant, I love sleep, I didn't want to get huge again, the risk of GD is high as well as getting Type II diabetes, I'd have to go through another C-section...the list goes on and on. And when I really thought about why I wanted another kid...I truly could not answer that question. It was just an instinct. It was just a feeling. It was not practical. And my son reminds me every day that he is enough. He is enough for me to have in my heart and my life. (Not implying that for others wanting more means you aren't satisfied. This is just my journey and my opinion.) For me, he is enough. He is exactly the child I always dreamed I would have. I don't want to have to split my attention with another child. I like being able to give him all of me when we are together. I like being able to be really there for him. 

I am often asked when I will have another child. Sometimes harassed even. And my answer now is "No. No, I do not plan to have another child." I have let that instinctual desire float away like a bubble in the wind. It was hard to let that float away, I'll admit. But I think for us, our little family, this is what is right. This is our family and it works just the way it is. We are all happy. We all have what we need in this. It's good. We're good. 

When It Comes To Meeting New Mom Friends You've Just Gotta Be Chill

When I was pregnant I had visions of what it would be like to be a mom, not only as a mom to my child but also entering a new social group. The mom club! I envisioned lots of great mom friends where all our kids are good buddies and we are always there for each other to relate or relax. I envisioned walks with strollers and long chats. I envisioned girl's nights out with just a sprinkle of rowdy and deep conversation. But that is most certainly not the reality I discovered.

We moved back to our home state when my son was about 1. Returning to our college town did not automatically come with built-in friendships. Most of my college friends had moved to other areas of the country and other phases of life. I had one that remained, but our values had drifted pretty far from where they were when we knew each other "back in the day" so our pseudo-friendship quickly faded into no friendship at all.

Luckily, I had the idea to create a group on Facebook for local stay-at-home parents. A place to share events and meet new people when possible. I've tried to do a few meetups within this group but typically very few show up so I've kind of slacked on setting those up. Just doesn't seem worth my time and the stress of it if only two people are going to show. But I did find my very first mom friend through the group. She has pretty much remained my only real mom friend in town. Like more than just the occasional bump-in and small talk. We've actually gone out on sans-kid mom dates!! I adore her. She's so different than me in a lot of ways, but seems to embrace our differences without question. She's one of the kindest people I know. Her heart is so good and loving. She is a fantastic mom to an adorable little firecracker girl. I admire her faith even though I am not a religious person. And I love to be with her whenever I am able. She's pretty great. I feel like I got pretty lucky with her.

As I had continued this SAHM thing I did make attempts to befriend other moms that I frequently bumped into. But they weren't having it. If you have never heard of "mean moms" or "mom cliques" they are real and super yucky. It's like a time travel to junior high. And for a time, I was upset about this. Why would they not even be nice enough to say hello to me? I'm a pretty okay gal, I think. Then I realized that it's not me, it's them. They are whatever they are. I don't know them enough to even accurately psycho-analyze them and their lack of basic social friendliness. And quite frankly, I don't care. They seem unpleasant and unhappy. Why would I even want to be their friend? So I let that shit go and embraced the blessings I already had.

I also decided to let it be; not trying so hard to find a buddy. If I am meant to find new friends along the way then it will happen. I just have to chill and let life do its thing. Enjoy it and be open to new people.

I'll admit, that is a hard thing to just be chill with. Motherhood, especially when you are a SAHM can be quite lonely. I am a semi-social person (meaning I love being a homebody but also love a little girl time now and then, but there is a line where I become more reclusive if I've had too much social time). I need human connection though. I mean, yes, my 3-year-old son is a human, but I mean like grown-up female humans. So, naturally, there are times that I find myself longing for that one really special mom-friend. The one that probably only exists in my dreams. The one that I can have deep, meaningful, philosophical conversation with, but who will also be totally cool wrapping things up early so we can sleep. The one who might have a glass of wine with me in the middle of the day, during a play date, just because it's probably the only time we will get to see each other and sometimes it's nice to just chill and have a drink. The one who will come into my home and never judge the mess, never judge me, and just be there. The one who will be there for me emotionally if something goes wrong in life (and visa versa). A friendship beyond conversations about our children or the weather.

And I haven't quite found that yet. But thankfully, I have various versions of that. I am so grateful for them, and I love each of them dearly. So far I can count two: A really awesome local mom-bestie who rocks and a long-standing forever-friend, but we don't get to see each other often because we live pretty far apart and she has 4 kids. I am certainly open to new connections.

That leads me to my advice on how to meet new mom friends. To me, it's pretty simple. Go places and just be real. I find that too many moms feel like they have to put on this fancy front. Like they have to appear perfect or some bullshit, but we all know we're all a hot mess in one way or another. That's just the human condition, and being a parent just makes it that much crazier. And starting any new relationship, even a mom-friend relationship, can be as stressful as you make it out to be. I used to be a pleaser so I would often do things that I didn't really want to do because I wanted people to like me. But that is a tangled web to weave and sets up expectations that later on I may have to explain aren't really me. It's better to just be up front from the very start about what you should expect when you become my friend.

So, I don't pretend. I am just me. The version of me you bump into at the children's museum is pretty much the same one you'll get when/if we have a play date at my house or a cafe. I don't play games. I don't pretend. Life is too short for games. If you don't like me as I am, then that is perfectly cool with me. I'm not perfect and neither are you and we don't have to be friends if that's what you're expectations are. But I am not going to put on a show or pretend like I'm something greater than I really am. Nope. I'm a hot mess and that's just life. Take it or leave it. And if we connect, then that is awesome! Lucky us! Let's have some Chai, a play date or three, get to know one another. Because when you have the opportunity to connect with another human on a real level as a SAHM it's truly a blessing.

So get out there. Be chill. Be you. And I promise you, you'll find someone.