For Me It Wasn't JUST a 5k

So I wrote a whole big post about this and somehow my cache didn't work so I lost everything. Therefore, I sit and write again for those who are interested in reading. Maybe it was fate. My entry was half-assed, I'll admit. I have been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Depression has crept back in and I am working on trying to figure out why. I have been uninspired.

I think my nutrients are off because of my new diet annnnnd well, I hate to admit it but I have fallen back to bad habits of not eating at all. I've been kind of a wreck inside lately. Mainly because I work out every fucking day and see almost no results. So I change my diet (temporary Keto then low carb after). And still, nothing. So nevertheless I fell into not eating again. It's hard when I'm just not ever hungry. Nothing sounds good when you aren't hungry. And I haven't been hungry because I'm in ketosis. So, I just gotta feed myself when I need it and I haven't been doing that.

But here's the real deal for this post. I ran my very first legit 5k. And regardless of the naysayers (yes I'm still a bit butthurt from that lady at the fitness center who scoffed at my just a 5k) I fucking did it. And I worked hard for this. I pushed myself. I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from that little gray cloud of depression that tends to lurk in the shadows. Probably true to some extent actually. And lately, I've been working out harder and running more because I am feeling it creep back a little.

The feeling at the end of the run was something I may have trouble describing. I felt a rush of emotion. I was a bit surprised at myself. I have always been the type of person that gives up pretty easily when it comes to physical struggles. I've ridden the roller coaster of weight loss my whole life. But this time I didn't give up. I knew I'd be slow, but that's not what's important to me. The important thing is that I set a goal to do this thing and I did it!

If you notice, I didn't wear the t-shirt that came with the run. It was important to me, for my first 5k, can. I have been persisting for quite some time. I wouldn't be where I am in life today at all if I had believed those people. And that is what it meant to me. I did something important that some people didn't think I could. I wanted to have something special, so I had a custom tank made at a local business that read "Nevertheless, she persisted". (Thanks 24hr Tees!) Now, I am fully aware of the political meaning behind this phrase and it is perfectly appropriate for this occasion. As a woman, it's perfectly appropriate for any occasion where a woman rises above and challenges society's view of women. But it also meant more to me than just that. This phrase resonates with me because as I run I carry the weight of my past. I hear the echoes of people in my head who didn't believe in me and said I can't do things. I fuel myself on proving to them and myself that I can.

Some of the reason behind my persistence was proving to others that I could do it. But I was also trying to prove it to myself. I did this for me. I did this because I love running. I love pushing myself. I love the feeling of accomplishing something awesome. I run for my life. I run for me. I run because I love running and I love myself. This is the one body I will have for this life and I want to treat it well. I deserve that much. I deserve to feel amazing and strong.

I'd also add that part of this experience was enhanced by the fact that my sister-in-law did it with me. She is such an incredible woman. She has had my back no matter what. She cheers me on, pushes me, and loves me unconditionally. She's the best kind of running partner. I love her so much more than words are able to express and am deeply grateful that I was able to share this experience with her. The first of many!!

So onward I go. Another 5k in June and August. Zombie run in October. And that might be it for me this year. Next year I aim to do the Warrior Dash and a few others probably. This little "hobby" of mine is probably here to stay. I will keep running as long as I am able. I won't quit. I will persist.

It's Not All Good All The Time And That's Okay!

Sometimes life is a bit like barbed wire;
at times smooth and straight,
other times a bit sharp and painful.
Photo by me! 

I believe everyone has their own set of challenges. Mine are no worse or better than another's. But I find often that when people share their stories it helps someone out there feel a little less alone.

I will just be honest, I battle with depression. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I've been to some pretty dark and unpleasant places. And when I say "battle" that is precisely what I mean. Because sometimes it's a battle to get out of bed, to leave the house. to talk to a human. Sometimes is a battle just to smile. Sometimes the sinking feeling inside is more than a tingle, but rather a whole wide pool you are sinking in. There are times I battle with myself over plans that I have made with a friend to follow through. I want to do things, but for whatever reason, when it comes right to it I get super anxious and a strong urge to just crawl under a rock and hide.

There are some pretty dark places we find ourselves in when in the throws of a deppressive state. It's really hard sometimes. And one of the pieces I find to be most challenging is recognizing that it's "normal" to not always be happy. Even "normal" people have days of meh. What's important and vital is identifying the set of tools you use to pull yourself out of the meh before you slip deep down into the darkness again. One of the tools that benefit me the most is exercise. Yoga and running are particularly cathartic for me.

Whenever I settle down on my mat, I set a purpose for my practice. I have a focus for a mindset I need to strengthen. Lately, I've been feeling a bit melancholy and introverted. I have had little to no desire to leave the house. I feel like I should want to but the thought of it makes my whole chest tense up with anxiety. I feel like I have no reason to feel so meh and I need to get myself out of this funk. But, what I really desire is some time alone in my thoughts. Some spiritual silence. I need to connect with myself. And there is no better place to do that than on my mat.

Today's yoga practice focused on understanding that spirituality (that being the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things) doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time, it simply asks you to be with what is. Being grateful; and positive in every moment is not realistic. Spirituality (in whatever form you practice this in) is about being with what is - being awake. Allowing the moments to unfold before you and to hopefully respond with strength, grace, curiosity, and compassion. That means sometimes we will not be happy and that is normal. I think this is especially hard to deal with when you battle depression. It's hard to know when you're just having a normal meh day or if something is tripping your trigger so to speak. Whenever I feel that sinking feeling I always try to figure out why. Am I over scheduling myself, am I doing more than I need to be, am I getting too distracted from life and not being mindful/present, have I spent enough quality time with people I love, am I caring for myself?

This way of thinking and being can apply to parenthood as well, particularly SAHPs (stay-at-home-parents) because we often criticize ourselves for our feelings of loneliness or our need to be selfish every now and then. There is the unrealistic expectation (whether real or perceived) that because we are so lucky to be able to stay at home raising our children that we should always be full of joy and gratefulness. But that is not real. Parenting is hard! Anyone doing it knows this truth. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a full spectrum of emotion because you are a SAHP or even a working parent then they need a good thump in the forehead. That just isn't real. Real is recognizing that you are human, an imperfect, beautiful human who has lots of different emotions. Sometimes individuals have a harder time coping with these emotions than others, but that doesn't make us any less worthy of joy and profound love. It doesn't make us jerks.

Depression is sneaky. It can creep up like a cloud and turn into darkened skies full of despair. A person who battles depression has to be vigilant always lest we slip and tumble to a place we don't want to visit. Feeling meh can be a recipe for disaster if you don't have a way to let the light in. But it's okay to feel a little down every now and then, or be a little grumpy. The trick is what you do with those feelings. Do you allow them to consume you or do you face them and thump them in the forehead?

Don't beat yourself up for not being joyful every moment of every day and don't allow someone else to beat you up about it either. And while you are accepting these feelings, it's also important to have a set of tools to help you get through it. That doesn't necessarily mean that your tool will instantly make you happy again. It doesn't always work that way, although sometimes it does. Exercise does that for me most of the time, but not always. The important thing is that you recognize that it is okay to not always be in the best mood, but also not to allow it to bring you down further than is necessary. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Be compassionate. Do what needs doing and carve out a little time to do something you need to carry on in life. Love yourself.

Namaste

Attend To Your Derailing Switches

Recently, I pulled through a local coffee stop to indulge in a delicious smoothie filled with chia seeds, protein, and an energy boost (whatever that is...). As I waited in line I noticed this sign. The decor design of the place is themed on trains. (Super cute really. I love this place.) So this sign in its basic state of interpretation is meant to refer to trains (A derail or derailer is a device used to prevent fouling of a rail track (by anything being present on the track, such as a person, a train or a fallen branch) by unauthorized movements of trains or unattended rolling stock.).

My interpretation of the phrase went a bit deeper. It made me think of things that derail me from my fitness, my attention, my focus, and my kinder inner voice. I know we all have them. Everyone has that something the throws them off track. There are cookies, of course. Or on a more personal level maybe there's a person in your life that sweeps in and creates havoc then disappears again. Perhaps your self-doubt is strong and your lack of confidence is stifling. Maybe you let yourself get derailed because you don't value yourself enough. Maybe pizza is just too fucking good.

I tend to get derailed when I neglect my self-care. Even if I do it for the right reasons feeling like I'm listening to my body and it needs a break. Or if I'm sick. I went 3 days without yoga a few weeks ago because I was feeling under the weather and worried that I'd get a full blown cold. SO I took it easy thinking that would help prevent me from getting sick. It didn't, but those 3 days were hard on me! I started losing my motivation. I felt more meloncholy. I was tired. I was grumpy. I wasn't focused. When I started hearing that negative inner voice again I knew it was time to do something about it. I had been derailed and now it was time to woman up and get myself back on track.

Sometimes it's things that other people say that send me flying. The first time I attended a new fitness center class there was a woman there who said something to me that still sort of rings in my head. I was talking about how I was really excited to do my first 5k and color run. She responded saying, "Oh, just a 5k. I just got done doing a 10k." Old me would have allowed that comment to sink in like a burr. It would have angered and irritated me, possibly spreading an infection throughout my inner mind. When those words came out of her mouth I felt a slight tingle inside. It was that old me wanting to get out. But I stifled her. And I responded to this woman with playful sarcasm and said, "Oh just a 5k? I'm pretty proud of getting that far. Good for you on the 10k! That must have been a real challenge. Maybe someday I'll get to that." I laughed kindly and just sort of brushed it off. I could tell she felt like a jackass for sticking her foot in her mouth. That was sufficient enough for me. I didn't need to make her feel worse, nor did I need to let it poison my mind. I didn't know this woman and she didn't know me. I can assume she didn't mean what she said in a hurtful way. And even if she did, it doesn't matter. Because she doesn't know me well enough to judge me and the people that do know me well enough to judge me, won't. I'm proud of where I am in my journey. Even the beginning is a worthy place to be. Because that means you have finally realized that you are important enough to love and care for.

With regard to less mental derailment and more healthy eating derailment. Those are pretty easy to count off. Holidays are the worst. I tend to indulge way WAY more than I should. Or anytime I bake. My son loves to help in the kitchen and loves baking. So naturally, he always wants to make cookies. The only problem is that mommy loves cookies and lacks the self-control required to stay away from them! haha But seriously, right now just thinking about it makes me want to go make some and then eat them all. Yes, all of them. Even though I know the suffering it will cause. The bloating. The sugar hangover the next morning. I would eat them all anyway.

The bottom line is that whatever your reason, whatever it is you feel derailed from, give it some attention. Address it. Find some way to help set you back on the tracks. Maybe a good talk with a friend. Perhaps a date night with the significant other. Take a hot bath and drink something with alcohol.  Maybe just drop your devices, get on the floor, and play with your kids. Be present. Do something nice for yourself. Sometimes it's hard to give ourselves enough attention to get back on track before the derailment becomes a lingering challenge. The sooner you face it, the easier it is to deal with.

What derails you? Feel free to share in the comments.

Namaste

10 Reasons I am #RockingMotherhood

I was challenged to do the #RockingMotherhood Challenge by my dear friend and blogger, Alicia Knust at Adventures With My Littles. (Thanks friend!)

The purpose of this challenge is to bring focus to at least 10 things I believe make me a good mother. I really believe that moms deserve credit for all the things they do. Raising humans is not easy. Sometimes it can really break you down. I think as mothers we don't' hear it enough what we're doing right from other people. But more so, I think we forget to be kind to ourselves too.

I don't know any fellow bloggers to tag, but if you are reading this, I challenge you to make a list for yourself. And while you're at it make another list of your own positive attributes. Because we are more than just mothers and it's important that we recognize our value as humans too. #fallinlovewithyourself

So, here we go. 

My 10 #RockingMotherhood Things:

1. I'm still a bit of a child myself. I laugh about poop and farts. I like to splash in puddles and crack thin ice under my boots. I love to laugh, make up games, and be silly. This works out really well when you have a little one. We have a lot of fun together.

2. I am willing to walk slowly. My son is a slow moving sloth when it comes to going anywhere. He loves to just look and touch everything around us. He reminds me to stop and observe the world. To really see it. It's so beautiful.

3. I choose my battles. Sometimes you just gotta let some shit go. It's just not worth it. And my parenting is not about control. It's about learning to be a better person while helping my son learn to be a good person.

4. I take fitness and healthy eating very seriously. I want very much for my son to understand the value of good health and fitness. I learned late in life and have to wonder where I might be if I hadn't come in so late in the game.

5. I use words and phrases that I want to become my son's inner voice. I cheer him on, always reminding him that if he keeps trying he can do it. And if he can't, that's okay too. Sometimes we can't do things, but with enough practice and time, we can improve. I say to him, "You are a good person. You are kind. You are compassionate. You are thoughtful. You are a hard worker. You are a good helper. You make my heart so happy." And these are the things I hear him saying to others when they struggle. He's always encouraging. It's hard to say no to him when he's already said, "You can do it Mom, don't worry." I set him up to live up to a belief I already have of him and he does the same for others.

6. I am honest and respectful to my son. When you have a strong willed child you cannot just tell them what to do. You will be in for a world of hurt. The power struggle will be endless. I often have to explain why I expect him to do a certain thing and once he understands the "why" he is much more accepting of the situations expectations. He's a pretty well-behaved kid. I was really proud of him the other day when I attended a fitness class with him in tow. There was child care there, but he's never been dropped off with a stranger before, so naturally he was not comfortable with it. So he hovered beside me while I worked out quietly trying to get me to go in the room with him and making mean muggin faces, but he didn't throw a huge fit. At one point he even wanted to join in the weight lifting portion. But I was so proud of him for being so brave and not throwing a fit when mommy wanted to do something different.

7. I show him a lot of affection and if I am busy and he wants a nuggle, he gets a nuggle. I am hyper aware of the fleeting time I have with my son as he is little and loving and oh so snuggly. So I eat up these moments. I show him physical affection as well as verbal. I never ever want him to doubt whether I love him or how much.

8. I let him learn through experience. If it's safe and he's not going to harm himself in a major way, then often I will just let it happen. He can't learn if I am always there to catch him or rescue him. That's not real life. Sometimes he's going to have to get back up on his own and I want him to be able to do that.

9. I show him how important it is to be helpful and kind to others. I don't want my son growing up to be an asshole. I want him to be the kind of guy that will help an old lady reach something on a high shelf. I want him to be the kind of guy who really sees people and shows them their value in gestures of kindness. I want him to have compassion and empathy.

10. I teach him everyday about all kinds of things from gardening to letter sound. Granted, my teaching is unstructured, but he is always learning. He's a very curious little guy and I love it!