For Me It Wasn't JUST a 5k

So I wrote a whole big post about this and somehow my cache didn't work so I lost everything. Therefore, I sit and write again for those who are interested in reading. Maybe it was fate. My entry was half-assed, I'll admit. I have been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Depression has crept back in and I am working on trying to figure out why. I have been uninspired.

I think my nutrients are off because of my new diet annnnnd well, I hate to admit it but I have fallen back to bad habits of not eating at all. I've been kind of a wreck inside lately. Mainly because I work out every fucking day and see almost no results. So I change my diet (temporary Keto then low carb after). And still, nothing. So nevertheless I fell into not eating again. It's hard when I'm just not ever hungry. Nothing sounds good when you aren't hungry. And I haven't been hungry because I'm in ketosis. So, I just gotta feed myself when I need it and I haven't been doing that.

But here's the real deal for this post. I ran my very first legit 5k. And regardless of the naysayers (yes I'm still a bit butthurt from that lady at the fitness center who scoffed at my just a 5k) I fucking did it. And I worked hard for this. I pushed myself. I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from that little gray cloud of depression that tends to lurk in the shadows. Probably true to some extent actually. And lately, I've been working out harder and running more because I am feeling it creep back a little.

The feeling at the end of the run was something I may have trouble describing. I felt a rush of emotion. I was a bit surprised at myself. I have always been the type of person that gives up pretty easily when it comes to physical struggles. I've ridden the roller coaster of weight loss my whole life. But this time I didn't give up. I knew I'd be slow, but that's not what's important to me. The important thing is that I set a goal to do this thing and I did it!

If you notice, I didn't wear the t-shirt that came with the run. It was important to me, for my first 5k, can. I have been persisting for quite some time. I wouldn't be where I am in life today at all if I had believed those people. And that is what it meant to me. I did something important that some people didn't think I could. I wanted to have something special, so I had a custom tank made at a local business that read "Nevertheless, she persisted". (Thanks 24hr Tees!) Now, I am fully aware of the political meaning behind this phrase and it is perfectly appropriate for this occasion. As a woman, it's perfectly appropriate for any occasion where a woman rises above and challenges society's view of women. But it also meant more to me than just that. This phrase resonates with me because as I run I carry the weight of my past. I hear the echoes of people in my head who didn't believe in me and said I can't do things. I fuel myself on proving to them and myself that I can.

Some of the reason behind my persistence was proving to others that I could do it. But I was also trying to prove it to myself. I did this for me. I did this because I love running. I love pushing myself. I love the feeling of accomplishing something awesome. I run for my life. I run for me. I run because I love running and I love myself. This is the one body I will have for this life and I want to treat it well. I deserve that much. I deserve to feel amazing and strong.

I'd also add that part of this experience was enhanced by the fact that my sister-in-law did it with me. She is such an incredible woman. She has had my back no matter what. She cheers me on, pushes me, and loves me unconditionally. She's the best kind of running partner. I love her so much more than words are able to express and am deeply grateful that I was able to share this experience with her. The first of many!!

So onward I go. Another 5k in June and August. Zombie run in October. And that might be it for me this year. Next year I aim to do the Warrior Dash and a few others probably. This little "hobby" of mine is probably here to stay. I will keep running as long as I am able. I won't quit. I will persist.

It's Not All Good All The Time And That's Okay!

Sometimes life is a bit like barbed wire;
at times smooth and straight,
other times a bit sharp and painful.
Photo by me! 

I believe everyone has their own set of challenges. Mine are no worse or better than another's. But I find often that when people share their stories it helps someone out there feel a little less alone.

I will just be honest, I battle with depression. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I've been to some pretty dark and unpleasant places. And when I say "battle" that is precisely what I mean. Because sometimes it's a battle to get out of bed, to leave the house. to talk to a human. Sometimes is a battle just to smile. Sometimes the sinking feeling inside is more than a tingle, but rather a whole wide pool you are sinking in. There are times I battle with myself over plans that I have made with a friend to follow through. I want to do things, but for whatever reason, when it comes right to it I get super anxious and a strong urge to just crawl under a rock and hide.

There are some pretty dark places we find ourselves in when in the throws of a deppressive state. It's really hard sometimes. And one of the pieces I find to be most challenging is recognizing that it's "normal" to not always be happy. Even "normal" people have days of meh. What's important and vital is identifying the set of tools you use to pull yourself out of the meh before you slip deep down into the darkness again. One of the tools that benefit me the most is exercise. Yoga and running are particularly cathartic for me.

Whenever I settle down on my mat, I set a purpose for my practice. I have a focus for a mindset I need to strengthen. Lately, I've been feeling a bit melancholy and introverted. I have had little to no desire to leave the house. I feel like I should want to but the thought of it makes my whole chest tense up with anxiety. I feel like I have no reason to feel so meh and I need to get myself out of this funk. But, what I really desire is some time alone in my thoughts. Some spiritual silence. I need to connect with myself. And there is no better place to do that than on my mat.

Today's yoga practice focused on understanding that spirituality (that being the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things) doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time, it simply asks you to be with what is. Being grateful; and positive in every moment is not realistic. Spirituality (in whatever form you practice this in) is about being with what is - being awake. Allowing the moments to unfold before you and to hopefully respond with strength, grace, curiosity, and compassion. That means sometimes we will not be happy and that is normal. I think this is especially hard to deal with when you battle depression. It's hard to know when you're just having a normal meh day or if something is tripping your trigger so to speak. Whenever I feel that sinking feeling I always try to figure out why. Am I over scheduling myself, am I doing more than I need to be, am I getting too distracted from life and not being mindful/present, have I spent enough quality time with people I love, am I caring for myself?

This way of thinking and being can apply to parenthood as well, particularly SAHPs (stay-at-home-parents) because we often criticize ourselves for our feelings of loneliness or our need to be selfish every now and then. There is the unrealistic expectation (whether real or perceived) that because we are so lucky to be able to stay at home raising our children that we should always be full of joy and gratefulness. But that is not real. Parenting is hard! Anyone doing it knows this truth. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a full spectrum of emotion because you are a SAHP or even a working parent then they need a good thump in the forehead. That just isn't real. Real is recognizing that you are human, an imperfect, beautiful human who has lots of different emotions. Sometimes individuals have a harder time coping with these emotions than others, but that doesn't make us any less worthy of joy and profound love. It doesn't make us jerks.

Depression is sneaky. It can creep up like a cloud and turn into darkened skies full of despair. A person who battles depression has to be vigilant always lest we slip and tumble to a place we don't want to visit. Feeling meh can be a recipe for disaster if you don't have a way to let the light in. But it's okay to feel a little down every now and then, or be a little grumpy. The trick is what you do with those feelings. Do you allow them to consume you or do you face them and thump them in the forehead?

Don't beat yourself up for not being joyful every moment of every day and don't allow someone else to beat you up about it either. And while you are accepting these feelings, it's also important to have a set of tools to help you get through it. That doesn't necessarily mean that your tool will instantly make you happy again. It doesn't always work that way, although sometimes it does. Exercise does that for me most of the time, but not always. The important thing is that you recognize that it is okay to not always be in the best mood, but also not to allow it to bring you down further than is necessary. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Be compassionate. Do what needs doing and carve out a little time to do something you need to carry on in life. Love yourself.

Namaste

A New Year, A New Chapter

As the new year approaches I find myself doing the cliché thing of considering what my personal goals and expectations are in the next year. I used to do the typical "New Year's Resolution" and pretty much always failed at least 3 or 4 months into the new year. So for the past several years my only resolution has been to "love myself".  

I knew in my heart that a goal of that magnitude was a lofty one and would potentially take years to achieve. But as I set this goal for myself I also resolved to be patient about it. I know that to destroy is quick and simple, but to rebuild something...that takes time, hard work, and dedication. 

It's been a roller coaster, but I suppose that's just the way life is. Except that, for some of us, the slope down can be as deep as the depths of hell. The past couple years in particular were quite difficult for me. A huge life change sent me, unexpectedly, into a deep dark place and I was afraid I wouldn't find my way out this time. I learned some things about myself that were both troubling and hard to accept, but at the same time have provided me with answers to questions I've had about myself for a very long time. And in this epiphany, if you will, I found hope.

And because of yoga, running, a deeply devoted husband, amazing friends, and my family, I survived the deep dark. There aren't words to describe my relief; that I can look back now and rejoice in the fact that I am not where I was before. That I am breathing, seeing, touching, and actually feeling something other than despair. I have found my way back to joy. It will be a battle I will likely fight my whole life as I have been to the deep dark many times already. My most recent visit though might have been one of the scariest and had it not been for my desperate attempt to hold on for the sake of my son...well I might not be writing this. That was a scary place to be and I really don't want to visit it ever again. 

So as I face this next year I consider what else I want to improve of myself, and honestly, I think that at this point I'm old enough to "just keep swimming". What I mean is that I kind of just have the same goals every year, but just want more of the same, to improve on the things I'm already focusing on. I know I want to continue my practice in yoga and running. Those two things have become my life force. They are like drugs. I find myself euphoric after a run and yoga centers me and calms the fire within. I need them as much as a diabetic needs insulin. 

Here are my other "resolutions":

I want to continue to work on being more empathetic and having unconditional positive regard for others. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the rush of daily life and forget to consider that the guy who parked inches away from my car door, probably (hopefully) didn't do it to just intentionally be an ass. Or the lady checking me out at Walmart who seems extraordinarily slow and apathetic. I could be annoyed and angry with her for her sloth-like movement, but maybe she's upset about something, or maybe she doesn't feel the best and doesn't want to be at work. Or the waitress who seems to keep forgetting my drink and hasn't really checked in much. Maybe she's preoccupied with grief or is lost in a flurry of worried thoughts and isn't doing her job as well as she typically does. It's important to try to see things from a different view and to try to avoid the negative fundamental attribution error. Just be kind and remember how you'd want to be treated if you were in a state of distress or just made a mistake. 

I want to keep trying to remember to see people. It makes me sad to observe so often that many people treats others as though they are not really there, not a person with a story, not a human with feelings. I find it extraordinarily powerful when I look someone in the eye and give them a genuine smile or use their name. They light up in front of me and I am reminded that it's much more important for me to do what I can to make them feel seen and appreciated than it is for me to gain a few minutes in my day. In the rush of life I sometimes forget that other people are as human as I am and most are not jerks. Of course there are some people out there who really are jerks, but I will continue to work on not taking their actions personally. Most people who treat others poorly do so because they aren't happy themselves or have some internal struggle that makes them bitter and sour. I won't let them bring me down. 

I want to continue to challenge myself to be open-minded and listen. For the most part I feel like I am a pretty good listener. Not always, I'll admit. Sometimes I get lost inside my own mind and don't hear or listen to those who need me to. I can be dismissive at times. I suppose it's okay for me to be that way sometimes as any individual sometimes needs to just worry about themselves for a span in order to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with. And sometimes my emotional response to certain things will cloud my ability to be a good listener or to be open-minded. 

I want to continue to work on improving my patience and dulling my fierce temper. This is probably the hardest one (aside from trying to swear less). Yoga has actually helped me quite a bit in area. Ally Hamilton's classes in particular always come with some inspirational, therapeutic, fortune cookie type message and somehow I always pick the perfect one for exactly what I need that day (I know I talk about her a lot, and that might annoy some readers, but she has helped me unknowingly in ways I never dreamed possible for my life...so #sorrynotsorry!). Learning to breathe has been one of the hardest and most powerful things for me. And her books, Yoga's Healing Power: Looking Inward for Change, Growth, and Peace and Open Randomly: Fortune Cookies for the Soul) have also been incredibly helpful as well as inspirational for me. (I might be kind of in love with her. haha)

As I continue to age and mature I find that I care less and less about what people think of me. At least in the sense of aesthetics (what people think about how I look, dress, or how many tattoos I have...etc.), my personal life choices, how I choose to raise my child, and the things I value, believe in, or don't believe in. In that regard I really don't care what people think. However, I do still care on other, more broad levels what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as mean, spiteful, or disingenuous. I don't want people to think I am unkind or untrustworthy. So, I guess on some level I do care what people think of me. But I could be Ghandi-like and some people would still think me lesser and spit at my feet. So, I won't fret over other people's opinions of me, particularly if they hardly know me at all. 

In general, I want the same thing for the coming year that I wanted last year, the year before that, and for all my years from this day forward; to be a person I won't regret being when I face the end, to be someone that people will miss and have fond memories of, to be someone who wove goodness into the world and the lives of others, and to have lived a life that I can be proud of. 

The Pursuit of Happiness: A Journey Toward Self Love

Every Journey Starts With A Single Step

For the record, I believe, that a journey like this never really ends. Well, when I die it will end I suppose, but in the spirit of focusing more on the positive aspects of this concept we will just ignore that truth for right now.

Learning to love ones self might be one of our greatest life challenges. At least, I know it has been for me, and I can think of a number of women and men who can relate for certain. It is a long and arduous journey, but worth it. Sometimes it helps to hear a little anecdote about someone else's journey. It might be the one thing that sparks hope inside your heart and pushes toward active pursuit of happiness.

My story begins around age 1. As in most stories of personal growth, it typically starts with pain. At this young age I was already beginning a path of pain and heartache. I don't remember the details (I was only 1 after all...), but around this age was when my mother decided it was time to leave an abusive relationship with my biological father only to fall into the arms of another man who became emotionally and sometimes physically abusive as well. So, you could say my journey starts with abandonment. The people I needed most in my life to be there, to love me unconditionally, well they weren't there. My mom did her best, and she did enough to counteract some of the harms caused, but it wasn't enough. My biological father disappeared from my life and later only became a part of it because he wouldn't have to pay child support while I was visiting. He was mean and mostly made me feel like my existence was as annoying as a fly buzzing in your face. He was an alcoholic and very abusive both emotionally and physically towards his romantic partners/wives. He was never directly mean to me or abusive, but his overall tone of "God I wish I didn't have to deal with you" kind of set the tone for how I felt he felt about me. He forgot my birthdays. He did not call. And like a foolish child, I longed for his love. I yearned for him to care about me...to validate that my existence meaningful and important. I yearned for his love until I was about 13. Then at that point I gave up.

Meanwhile, my step-father started out as a pretty decent guy. He cared about me when I was little and treated me like I was his own child. He and my mother got married and went on to have two more children. Over the years, he progressively became a giant asshole. He too was an alcoholic and extremely emotionally abusive. I longed for his approval. He told me I was fat all the time and teased me about the way I looked. When I actually did have something I felt confident about (like singing) he always found some fault in it. I became a perfectionist who was terrified of failure. Because the message I had been given for the majority of my life was "If you aren't perfect you are worth nothing and no one can love you". I spent most of my childhood depressed and angry. I wasn't a nice girl. I was mean, a bully, and hateful. I cried a lot and screamed often. I don't remember many happy things at all. I want to. I don't know if I just don't remember them or they just weren't there.

I spent a lot of time hating myself and being critical. I would stand in front of the mirror on a daily basis just hating myself. I would say things to myself that I would never ever say to another human being. I would cry. Like really cry.

This self-hate and absence of confidence impacted all aspects of my life. I made terrible choices in relationships. I believe no one would ever really love me so I would sabotage things sometimes to fulfill my own prophecy of being unworthy and force people to abandon me. I avoided trying new things for fear of failure. I was easily manipulated and taken advantage of. And I spent a lot of time in my head worrying about what other people thought of me.

My mom always tried to tell me that I was perfect just the way I was. That I was good inside and kind. That I was worthy of love. But I never believed her. And it even got to the point where I would get angry and lash out at her if she even tried to convince me of these things. I could not believe them. There was too much evidence to the contrary. But I must say now that I am so glad she kept trying to convince me...because it was this small voice deep down inside, screaming as loud as possible, that helped me find my footing eventually and guided me (albeit very slowly) toward loving myself.

It's really kind of sad to put in perspective exactly how much of my life I have spent hating myself. 25 years of loathing. 25 years. If I live to be 100, that's a quarter of my life.

The pivot point for me began in graduate college. Grad school can make or break you, not just academically, but emotionally as well. It most certainly put me to the test in just about every way possible. It was the biggest challenge to my self-doubt that I had ever really faced.

I chose a helping profession so in that I began attending classes to learn how to provide counseling support for future students. Little did I know that it would change me in ways I never dreamed. My first real challenge came in an unlikely place...group counseling class. I don't remember exactly how it came about, but there was an activity where the group wrote a note to someone else in the group saying positive things about them. None of these people knew me, I mean not really. We were acquaintances sharing a class together. We barely knew each other at all. But the words written on that little blue post-it note hit my heart like a freight train. This person didn't know me from Adam, but somehow she was able to see positive things in me and about me that I refused to recognize for myself. This was the first crack in my self-made, hateful armor. I kept that post-it note on my vanity mirror for several years after that. I vowed to keep it up there until I believed with my own heart that those words about me were true. It stayed on my mirror for 7 years.

Evolving from the person I was to the person I am now was not easy, and clearly it was not fast. But I was committed to finding true happiness, and I knew the only way to find that was to fall in love with the most important person in my life...me.

Finding Solace in Fitness

My journey of fitness started with the desire to lose weight. This, in my humble opinion, is the wrong way to approach it. If this is the reason you lose weight and you only do it when you feel fat, then you are going to be riding that awful roller coaster for a long time my friend. And I assure you, it is not thrilling in the least. I found that it actually made me feel worse about myself. I was always starting over and in doing so always seeming to myself like I am a failure. Mix in with that roller coaster some very unhealthy eating (or not eating) habits and you're really in for a rough ride. It isn't fun, fulfilling, or rewarding. I don't recommend this approach.

I was a size 5 once. "Skinny fat" is what I've heard it called. I took ephedrine and pretty much lived on Starbucks and booze. I counted calories, not nutrition. i was skinny, and rather gorgeous (if I might say so myself), but I only looked good on the outside. On the inside I was a wreck with self-hate and suffocating self-hate. Then my grandfather died. My heart shattered and I fell into a downward spiral of bingeing and depression. I gained a lot of weight very quickly (it is much easier to gain it than it is to lose).

I really don't know for certain the exact day I began to look at my body and not hate it. Sure I was overweight, but at some point I stopped caring about that. Not in the sense that I just "let myself go" but in the sense that I could look at my chubs and not crumble with despair. I looked at them and thought to myself, "I am in control of this. It is not in control of me. And I will not be defined by my body."

When I got pregnant I got HUGE! I was already overweight then I packed on a baby and shit ton of amniotic fluid. I approached 200 pounds. I was terrified. I could not let myself go past that number. I just couldn't.

During my pregnancy I was also blessed with gestational diabetes (GD). This was sort of a wake-up call for me. I learned that women who have GD are 50% (50%!!) more likely to develop full on diabetes in the future if they do not care for themselves. During my pregnancy, with GD, I was forced to eat healthy and have a restricted diet. I did it for my child. I did it for me. And I discovered...it really isn't all that bad. Eating healthier made me feel better both emotionally and physically. It also altered my palette, so the less healthy foods became less appealing to me.

After the birth of my son I did the ever so painful Insanity program by Shaun T (who is freaking awesome btw). I also started doing yoga.

Now, yoga is special to me. The first time I did a class with Ally Hamilton (who is one of the most amazing humans on Earth...in my opinion) and it was like she knew my heart. She spoke to me in savasana and I wept. She hit me right in the feels. I have been in love with her and the practice ever since. Yoga does more for me than nurture my physical self, but it also nurtures my soul. Each minute I spend with my mat is a minute of exhalation. All the tightness in my heart is let loose. I breathe. I feel. I challenge myself. I stretch. It is sort of a spiritual experience for me as well as a natural drug. It has become part of my life. It's not just something I've picked up that I'll do until I hit that size 5 again (which is probably not very likely to happen since I now actually have muscle mass instead of just squishies). It is important to me. I make time for it. I need it.

Then there's running. Oh god I love running. I started running about 5 years ago because stress was causing me to have panic attacks again and I needed an outlet. I'm a bottler. I tend to stuff my stress down until there's no more room and I just explode with rage. So, instead of stuffing, I began running. Running got me out in nature (which is also cathartic for me), it wasn't stationary and dull, and, like yoga, became a drug. After a good run I feel like a great weight has been lifted. I feel alive. I feel young. I feel focused and inspired (in fact, this post was inspired by my morning run today!). Running makes me feel good. I can continually challenge myself and I get to feel accomplished. And WOW what a feeling that is. After doing my first fun run this fall I felt like I was on top of the world. I can do anything!

Fitness has become my therapy. Well, one of them anyway. I struggle with a lot of issues in addition to self-loathing and doubt so I have a lot of coping practices in my little bag of tricks, which is actually really important for anyone. This way, if you are for some reason unable to use one of your favorite coping activities, you can do a different one and still get the relief you need.

Sometimes I Slip

The other day I was getting ready to take my son somewhere and my hair was not cooperating so I threw it up in a bun, which also was not cooperating. I didn't feel super thrilled with the result and started having negative thoughts, criticizing how I looked and how others might look at me and judge me negatively. I caught myself and said out loud, "No, you stop that! You don't care what those people think about your damn hair. You are more than just your hair so knock it off. You know better than that." I talk to myself out loud a lot when I need a good pep talk or scolding. It works for me. I'm not ashamed. 

But the bottom line here is that I am human. And as a human I am inherently riddled with flaws. But those flaws are what makes me me. Sometimes I slip, fall, stumble...but as long as I get back up again and hold my head up high I am going to be ok. I remind myself all the time that what I say to myself should be the same as what I would say to a stranger, to my son, and to people I love. Loving myself is just as important as loving anyone else. In fact, it might be even more important. Because I truly believe that when you do not love yourself, you approach life and its situations in a completely different way. The language becomes "I can" instead of "I can't"; "I'll try." instead of "I'm too afraid to fail to try."; "I am worthy of love and being treated with respect and dignity." instead of "I deserve this punishment and no one can love me."

To Be Continued

This journey of self-discovery and self-love doesn't end. At least it won't for me. I'll never stop trying to better myself. I'll never give up on myself ever again. And while I walk this path it is my hope that I will greet others along the way, and they will join me on their own journey to fall in love with the most important person in their life; themselves.