A New Year, A New Chapter

As the new year approaches I find myself doing the cliché thing of considering what my personal goals and expectations are in the next year. I used to do the typical "New Year's Resolution" and pretty much always failed at least 3 or 4 months into the new year. So for the past several years my only resolution has been to "love myself".  

I knew in my heart that a goal of that magnitude was a lofty one and would potentially take years to achieve. But as I set this goal for myself I also resolved to be patient about it. I know that to destroy is quick and simple, but to rebuild something...that takes time, hard work, and dedication. 

It's been a roller coaster, but I suppose that's just the way life is. Except that, for some of us, the slope down can be as deep as the depths of hell. The past couple years in particular were quite difficult for me. A huge life change sent me, unexpectedly, into a deep dark place and I was afraid I wouldn't find my way out this time. I learned some things about myself that were both troubling and hard to accept, but at the same time have provided me with answers to questions I've had about myself for a very long time. And in this epiphany, if you will, I found hope.

And because of yoga, running, a deeply devoted husband, amazing friends, and my family, I survived the deep dark. There aren't words to describe my relief; that I can look back now and rejoice in the fact that I am not where I was before. That I am breathing, seeing, touching, and actually feeling something other than despair. I have found my way back to joy. It will be a battle I will likely fight my whole life as I have been to the deep dark many times already. My most recent visit though might have been one of the scariest and had it not been for my desperate attempt to hold on for the sake of my son...well I might not be writing this. That was a scary place to be and I really don't want to visit it ever again. 

So as I face this next year I consider what else I want to improve of myself, and honestly, I think that at this point I'm old enough to "just keep swimming". What I mean is that I kind of just have the same goals every year, but just want more of the same, to improve on the things I'm already focusing on. I know I want to continue my practice in yoga and running. Those two things have become my life force. They are like drugs. I find myself euphoric after a run and yoga centers me and calms the fire within. I need them as much as a diabetic needs insulin. 

Here are my other "resolutions":

I want to continue to work on being more empathetic and having unconditional positive regard for others. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the rush of daily life and forget to consider that the guy who parked inches away from my car door, probably (hopefully) didn't do it to just intentionally be an ass. Or the lady checking me out at Walmart who seems extraordinarily slow and apathetic. I could be annoyed and angry with her for her sloth-like movement, but maybe she's upset about something, or maybe she doesn't feel the best and doesn't want to be at work. Or the waitress who seems to keep forgetting my drink and hasn't really checked in much. Maybe she's preoccupied with grief or is lost in a flurry of worried thoughts and isn't doing her job as well as she typically does. It's important to try to see things from a different view and to try to avoid the negative fundamental attribution error. Just be kind and remember how you'd want to be treated if you were in a state of distress or just made a mistake. 

I want to keep trying to remember to see people. It makes me sad to observe so often that many people treats others as though they are not really there, not a person with a story, not a human with feelings. I find it extraordinarily powerful when I look someone in the eye and give them a genuine smile or use their name. They light up in front of me and I am reminded that it's much more important for me to do what I can to make them feel seen and appreciated than it is for me to gain a few minutes in my day. In the rush of life I sometimes forget that other people are as human as I am and most are not jerks. Of course there are some people out there who really are jerks, but I will continue to work on not taking their actions personally. Most people who treat others poorly do so because they aren't happy themselves or have some internal struggle that makes them bitter and sour. I won't let them bring me down. 

I want to continue to challenge myself to be open-minded and listen. For the most part I feel like I am a pretty good listener. Not always, I'll admit. Sometimes I get lost inside my own mind and don't hear or listen to those who need me to. I can be dismissive at times. I suppose it's okay for me to be that way sometimes as any individual sometimes needs to just worry about themselves for a span in order to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with. And sometimes my emotional response to certain things will cloud my ability to be a good listener or to be open-minded. 

I want to continue to work on improving my patience and dulling my fierce temper. This is probably the hardest one (aside from trying to swear less). Yoga has actually helped me quite a bit in area. Ally Hamilton's classes in particular always come with some inspirational, therapeutic, fortune cookie type message and somehow I always pick the perfect one for exactly what I need that day (I know I talk about her a lot, and that might annoy some readers, but she has helped me unknowingly in ways I never dreamed possible for my life...so #sorrynotsorry!). Learning to breathe has been one of the hardest and most powerful things for me. And her books, Yoga's Healing Power: Looking Inward for Change, Growth, and Peace and Open Randomly: Fortune Cookies for the Soul) have also been incredibly helpful as well as inspirational for me. (I might be kind of in love with her. haha)

As I continue to age and mature I find that I care less and less about what people think of me. At least in the sense of aesthetics (what people think about how I look, dress, or how many tattoos I have...etc.), my personal life choices, how I choose to raise my child, and the things I value, believe in, or don't believe in. In that regard I really don't care what people think. However, I do still care on other, more broad levels what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as mean, spiteful, or disingenuous. I don't want people to think I am unkind or untrustworthy. So, I guess on some level I do care what people think of me. But I could be Ghandi-like and some people would still think me lesser and spit at my feet. So, I won't fret over other people's opinions of me, particularly if they hardly know me at all. 

In general, I want the same thing for the coming year that I wanted last year, the year before that, and for all my years from this day forward; to be a person I won't regret being when I face the end, to be someone that people will miss and have fond memories of, to be someone who wove goodness into the world and the lives of others, and to have lived a life that I can be proud of.