For Me It Wasn't JUST a 5k

So I wrote a whole big post about this and somehow my cache didn't work so I lost everything. Therefore, I sit and write again for those who are interested in reading. Maybe it was fate. My entry was half-assed, I'll admit. I have been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Depression has crept back in and I am working on trying to figure out why. I have been uninspired.

I think my nutrients are off because of my new diet annnnnd well, I hate to admit it but I have fallen back to bad habits of not eating at all. I've been kind of a wreck inside lately. Mainly because I work out every fucking day and see almost no results. So I change my diet (temporary Keto then low carb after). And still, nothing. So nevertheless I fell into not eating again. It's hard when I'm just not ever hungry. Nothing sounds good when you aren't hungry. And I haven't been hungry because I'm in ketosis. So, I just gotta feed myself when I need it and I haven't been doing that.

But here's the real deal for this post. I ran my very first legit 5k. And regardless of the naysayers (yes I'm still a bit butthurt from that lady at the fitness center who scoffed at my just a 5k) I fucking did it. And I worked hard for this. I pushed myself. I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from that little gray cloud of depression that tends to lurk in the shadows. Probably true to some extent actually. And lately, I've been working out harder and running more because I am feeling it creep back a little.

The feeling at the end of the run was something I may have trouble describing. I felt a rush of emotion. I was a bit surprised at myself. I have always been the type of person that gives up pretty easily when it comes to physical struggles. I've ridden the roller coaster of weight loss my whole life. But this time I didn't give up. I knew I'd be slow, but that's not what's important to me. The important thing is that I set a goal to do this thing and I did it!

If you notice, I didn't wear the t-shirt that came with the run. It was important to me, for my first 5k, can. I have been persisting for quite some time. I wouldn't be where I am in life today at all if I had believed those people. And that is what it meant to me. I did something important that some people didn't think I could. I wanted to have something special, so I had a custom tank made at a local business that read "Nevertheless, she persisted". (Thanks 24hr Tees!) Now, I am fully aware of the political meaning behind this phrase and it is perfectly appropriate for this occasion. As a woman, it's perfectly appropriate for any occasion where a woman rises above and challenges society's view of women. But it also meant more to me than just that. This phrase resonates with me because as I run I carry the weight of my past. I hear the echoes of people in my head who didn't believe in me and said I can't do things. I fuel myself on proving to them and myself that I can.

Some of the reason behind my persistence was proving to others that I could do it. But I was also trying to prove it to myself. I did this for me. I did this because I love running. I love pushing myself. I love the feeling of accomplishing something awesome. I run for my life. I run for me. I run because I love running and I love myself. This is the one body I will have for this life and I want to treat it well. I deserve that much. I deserve to feel amazing and strong.

I'd also add that part of this experience was enhanced by the fact that my sister-in-law did it with me. She is such an incredible woman. She has had my back no matter what. She cheers me on, pushes me, and loves me unconditionally. She's the best kind of running partner. I love her so much more than words are able to express and am deeply grateful that I was able to share this experience with her. The first of many!!

So onward I go. Another 5k in June and August. Zombie run in October. And that might be it for me this year. Next year I aim to do the Warrior Dash and a few others probably. This little "hobby" of mine is probably here to stay. I will keep running as long as I am able. I won't quit. I will persist.

It's Not All Good All The Time And That's Okay!

Sometimes life is a bit like barbed wire;
at times smooth and straight,
other times a bit sharp and painful.
Photo by me! 

I believe everyone has their own set of challenges. Mine are no worse or better than another's. But I find often that when people share their stories it helps someone out there feel a little less alone.

I will just be honest, I battle with depression. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I've been to some pretty dark and unpleasant places. And when I say "battle" that is precisely what I mean. Because sometimes it's a battle to get out of bed, to leave the house. to talk to a human. Sometimes is a battle just to smile. Sometimes the sinking feeling inside is more than a tingle, but rather a whole wide pool you are sinking in. There are times I battle with myself over plans that I have made with a friend to follow through. I want to do things, but for whatever reason, when it comes right to it I get super anxious and a strong urge to just crawl under a rock and hide.

There are some pretty dark places we find ourselves in when in the throws of a deppressive state. It's really hard sometimes. And one of the pieces I find to be most challenging is recognizing that it's "normal" to not always be happy. Even "normal" people have days of meh. What's important and vital is identifying the set of tools you use to pull yourself out of the meh before you slip deep down into the darkness again. One of the tools that benefit me the most is exercise. Yoga and running are particularly cathartic for me.

Whenever I settle down on my mat, I set a purpose for my practice. I have a focus for a mindset I need to strengthen. Lately, I've been feeling a bit melancholy and introverted. I have had little to no desire to leave the house. I feel like I should want to but the thought of it makes my whole chest tense up with anxiety. I feel like I have no reason to feel so meh and I need to get myself out of this funk. But, what I really desire is some time alone in my thoughts. Some spiritual silence. I need to connect with myself. And there is no better place to do that than on my mat.

Today's yoga practice focused on understanding that spirituality (that being the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things) doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time, it simply asks you to be with what is. Being grateful; and positive in every moment is not realistic. Spirituality (in whatever form you practice this in) is about being with what is - being awake. Allowing the moments to unfold before you and to hopefully respond with strength, grace, curiosity, and compassion. That means sometimes we will not be happy and that is normal. I think this is especially hard to deal with when you battle depression. It's hard to know when you're just having a normal meh day or if something is tripping your trigger so to speak. Whenever I feel that sinking feeling I always try to figure out why. Am I over scheduling myself, am I doing more than I need to be, am I getting too distracted from life and not being mindful/present, have I spent enough quality time with people I love, am I caring for myself?

This way of thinking and being can apply to parenthood as well, particularly SAHPs (stay-at-home-parents) because we often criticize ourselves for our feelings of loneliness or our need to be selfish every now and then. There is the unrealistic expectation (whether real or perceived) that because we are so lucky to be able to stay at home raising our children that we should always be full of joy and gratefulness. But that is not real. Parenting is hard! Anyone doing it knows this truth. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a full spectrum of emotion because you are a SAHP or even a working parent then they need a good thump in the forehead. That just isn't real. Real is recognizing that you are human, an imperfect, beautiful human who has lots of different emotions. Sometimes individuals have a harder time coping with these emotions than others, but that doesn't make us any less worthy of joy and profound love. It doesn't make us jerks.

Depression is sneaky. It can creep up like a cloud and turn into darkened skies full of despair. A person who battles depression has to be vigilant always lest we slip and tumble to a place we don't want to visit. Feeling meh can be a recipe for disaster if you don't have a way to let the light in. But it's okay to feel a little down every now and then, or be a little grumpy. The trick is what you do with those feelings. Do you allow them to consume you or do you face them and thump them in the forehead?

Don't beat yourself up for not being joyful every moment of every day and don't allow someone else to beat you up about it either. And while you are accepting these feelings, it's also important to have a set of tools to help you get through it. That doesn't necessarily mean that your tool will instantly make you happy again. It doesn't always work that way, although sometimes it does. Exercise does that for me most of the time, but not always. The important thing is that you recognize that it is okay to not always be in the best mood, but also not to allow it to bring you down further than is necessary. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Be compassionate. Do what needs doing and carve out a little time to do something you need to carry on in life. Love yourself.

Namaste

Attend To Your Derailing Switches

Recently, I pulled through a local coffee stop to indulge in a delicious smoothie filled with chia seeds, protein, and an energy boost (whatever that is...). As I waited in line I noticed this sign. The decor design of the place is themed on trains. (Super cute really. I love this place.) So this sign in its basic state of interpretation is meant to refer to trains (A derail or derailer is a device used to prevent fouling of a rail track (by anything being present on the track, such as a person, a train or a fallen branch) by unauthorized movements of trains or unattended rolling stock.).

My interpretation of the phrase went a bit deeper. It made me think of things that derail me from my fitness, my attention, my focus, and my kinder inner voice. I know we all have them. Everyone has that something the throws them off track. There are cookies, of course. Or on a more personal level maybe there's a person in your life that sweeps in and creates havoc then disappears again. Perhaps your self-doubt is strong and your lack of confidence is stifling. Maybe you let yourself get derailed because you don't value yourself enough. Maybe pizza is just too fucking good.

I tend to get derailed when I neglect my self-care. Even if I do it for the right reasons feeling like I'm listening to my body and it needs a break. Or if I'm sick. I went 3 days without yoga a few weeks ago because I was feeling under the weather and worried that I'd get a full blown cold. SO I took it easy thinking that would help prevent me from getting sick. It didn't, but those 3 days were hard on me! I started losing my motivation. I felt more meloncholy. I was tired. I was grumpy. I wasn't focused. When I started hearing that negative inner voice again I knew it was time to do something about it. I had been derailed and now it was time to woman up and get myself back on track.

Sometimes it's things that other people say that send me flying. The first time I attended a new fitness center class there was a woman there who said something to me that still sort of rings in my head. I was talking about how I was really excited to do my first 5k and color run. She responded saying, "Oh, just a 5k. I just got done doing a 10k." Old me would have allowed that comment to sink in like a burr. It would have angered and irritated me, possibly spreading an infection throughout my inner mind. When those words came out of her mouth I felt a slight tingle inside. It was that old me wanting to get out. But I stifled her. And I responded to this woman with playful sarcasm and said, "Oh just a 5k? I'm pretty proud of getting that far. Good for you on the 10k! That must have been a real challenge. Maybe someday I'll get to that." I laughed kindly and just sort of brushed it off. I could tell she felt like a jackass for sticking her foot in her mouth. That was sufficient enough for me. I didn't need to make her feel worse, nor did I need to let it poison my mind. I didn't know this woman and she didn't know me. I can assume she didn't mean what she said in a hurtful way. And even if she did, it doesn't matter. Because she doesn't know me well enough to judge me and the people that do know me well enough to judge me, won't. I'm proud of where I am in my journey. Even the beginning is a worthy place to be. Because that means you have finally realized that you are important enough to love and care for.

With regard to less mental derailment and more healthy eating derailment. Those are pretty easy to count off. Holidays are the worst. I tend to indulge way WAY more than I should. Or anytime I bake. My son loves to help in the kitchen and loves baking. So naturally, he always wants to make cookies. The only problem is that mommy loves cookies and lacks the self-control required to stay away from them! haha But seriously, right now just thinking about it makes me want to go make some and then eat them all. Yes, all of them. Even though I know the suffering it will cause. The bloating. The sugar hangover the next morning. I would eat them all anyway.

The bottom line is that whatever your reason, whatever it is you feel derailed from, give it some attention. Address it. Find some way to help set you back on the tracks. Maybe a good talk with a friend. Perhaps a date night with the significant other. Take a hot bath and drink something with alcohol.  Maybe just drop your devices, get on the floor, and play with your kids. Be present. Do something nice for yourself. Sometimes it's hard to give ourselves enough attention to get back on track before the derailment becomes a lingering challenge. The sooner you face it, the easier it is to deal with.

What derails you? Feel free to share in the comments.

Namaste

A New Year, A New Chapter

As the new year approaches I find myself doing the cliché thing of considering what my personal goals and expectations are in the next year. I used to do the typical "New Year's Resolution" and pretty much always failed at least 3 or 4 months into the new year. So for the past several years my only resolution has been to "love myself".  

I knew in my heart that a goal of that magnitude was a lofty one and would potentially take years to achieve. But as I set this goal for myself I also resolved to be patient about it. I know that to destroy is quick and simple, but to rebuild something...that takes time, hard work, and dedication. 

It's been a roller coaster, but I suppose that's just the way life is. Except that, for some of us, the slope down can be as deep as the depths of hell. The past couple years in particular were quite difficult for me. A huge life change sent me, unexpectedly, into a deep dark place and I was afraid I wouldn't find my way out this time. I learned some things about myself that were both troubling and hard to accept, but at the same time have provided me with answers to questions I've had about myself for a very long time. And in this epiphany, if you will, I found hope.

And because of yoga, running, a deeply devoted husband, amazing friends, and my family, I survived the deep dark. There aren't words to describe my relief; that I can look back now and rejoice in the fact that I am not where I was before. That I am breathing, seeing, touching, and actually feeling something other than despair. I have found my way back to joy. It will be a battle I will likely fight my whole life as I have been to the deep dark many times already. My most recent visit though might have been one of the scariest and had it not been for my desperate attempt to hold on for the sake of my son...well I might not be writing this. That was a scary place to be and I really don't want to visit it ever again. 

So as I face this next year I consider what else I want to improve of myself, and honestly, I think that at this point I'm old enough to "just keep swimming". What I mean is that I kind of just have the same goals every year, but just want more of the same, to improve on the things I'm already focusing on. I know I want to continue my practice in yoga and running. Those two things have become my life force. They are like drugs. I find myself euphoric after a run and yoga centers me and calms the fire within. I need them as much as a diabetic needs insulin. 

Here are my other "resolutions":

I want to continue to work on being more empathetic and having unconditional positive regard for others. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the rush of daily life and forget to consider that the guy who parked inches away from my car door, probably (hopefully) didn't do it to just intentionally be an ass. Or the lady checking me out at Walmart who seems extraordinarily slow and apathetic. I could be annoyed and angry with her for her sloth-like movement, but maybe she's upset about something, or maybe she doesn't feel the best and doesn't want to be at work. Or the waitress who seems to keep forgetting my drink and hasn't really checked in much. Maybe she's preoccupied with grief or is lost in a flurry of worried thoughts and isn't doing her job as well as she typically does. It's important to try to see things from a different view and to try to avoid the negative fundamental attribution error. Just be kind and remember how you'd want to be treated if you were in a state of distress or just made a mistake. 

I want to keep trying to remember to see people. It makes me sad to observe so often that many people treats others as though they are not really there, not a person with a story, not a human with feelings. I find it extraordinarily powerful when I look someone in the eye and give them a genuine smile or use their name. They light up in front of me and I am reminded that it's much more important for me to do what I can to make them feel seen and appreciated than it is for me to gain a few minutes in my day. In the rush of life I sometimes forget that other people are as human as I am and most are not jerks. Of course there are some people out there who really are jerks, but I will continue to work on not taking their actions personally. Most people who treat others poorly do so because they aren't happy themselves or have some internal struggle that makes them bitter and sour. I won't let them bring me down. 

I want to continue to challenge myself to be open-minded and listen. For the most part I feel like I am a pretty good listener. Not always, I'll admit. Sometimes I get lost inside my own mind and don't hear or listen to those who need me to. I can be dismissive at times. I suppose it's okay for me to be that way sometimes as any individual sometimes needs to just worry about themselves for a span in order to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with. And sometimes my emotional response to certain things will cloud my ability to be a good listener or to be open-minded. 

I want to continue to work on improving my patience and dulling my fierce temper. This is probably the hardest one (aside from trying to swear less). Yoga has actually helped me quite a bit in area. Ally Hamilton's classes in particular always come with some inspirational, therapeutic, fortune cookie type message and somehow I always pick the perfect one for exactly what I need that day (I know I talk about her a lot, and that might annoy some readers, but she has helped me unknowingly in ways I never dreamed possible for my life...so #sorrynotsorry!). Learning to breathe has been one of the hardest and most powerful things for me. And her books, Yoga's Healing Power: Looking Inward for Change, Growth, and Peace and Open Randomly: Fortune Cookies for the Soul) have also been incredibly helpful as well as inspirational for me. (I might be kind of in love with her. haha)

As I continue to age and mature I find that I care less and less about what people think of me. At least in the sense of aesthetics (what people think about how I look, dress, or how many tattoos I have...etc.), my personal life choices, how I choose to raise my child, and the things I value, believe in, or don't believe in. In that regard I really don't care what people think. However, I do still care on other, more broad levels what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as mean, spiteful, or disingenuous. I don't want people to think I am unkind or untrustworthy. So, I guess on some level I do care what people think of me. But I could be Ghandi-like and some people would still think me lesser and spit at my feet. So, I won't fret over other people's opinions of me, particularly if they hardly know me at all. 

In general, I want the same thing for the coming year that I wanted last year, the year before that, and for all my years from this day forward; to be a person I won't regret being when I face the end, to be someone that people will miss and have fond memories of, to be someone who wove goodness into the world and the lives of others, and to have lived a life that I can be proud of.