For Me It Wasn't JUST a 5k

So I wrote a whole big post about this and somehow my cache didn't work so I lost everything. Therefore, I sit and write again for those who are interested in reading. Maybe it was fate. My entry was half-assed, I'll admit. I have been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Depression has crept back in and I am working on trying to figure out why. I have been uninspired.

I think my nutrients are off because of my new diet annnnnd well, I hate to admit it but I have fallen back to bad habits of not eating at all. I've been kind of a wreck inside lately. Mainly because I work out every fucking day and see almost no results. So I change my diet (temporary Keto then low carb after). And still, nothing. So nevertheless I fell into not eating again. It's hard when I'm just not ever hungry. Nothing sounds good when you aren't hungry. And I haven't been hungry because I'm in ketosis. So, I just gotta feed myself when I need it and I haven't been doing that.

But here's the real deal for this post. I ran my very first legit 5k. And regardless of the naysayers (yes I'm still a bit butthurt from that lady at the fitness center who scoffed at my just a 5k) I fucking did it. And I worked hard for this. I pushed myself. I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from that little gray cloud of depression that tends to lurk in the shadows. Probably true to some extent actually. And lately, I've been working out harder and running more because I am feeling it creep back a little.

The feeling at the end of the run was something I may have trouble describing. I felt a rush of emotion. I was a bit surprised at myself. I have always been the type of person that gives up pretty easily when it comes to physical struggles. I've ridden the roller coaster of weight loss my whole life. But this time I didn't give up. I knew I'd be slow, but that's not what's important to me. The important thing is that I set a goal to do this thing and I did it!

If you notice, I didn't wear the t-shirt that came with the run. It was important to me, for my first 5k, can. I have been persisting for quite some time. I wouldn't be where I am in life today at all if I had believed those people. And that is what it meant to me. I did something important that some people didn't think I could. I wanted to have something special, so I had a custom tank made at a local business that read "Nevertheless, she persisted". (Thanks 24hr Tees!) Now, I am fully aware of the political meaning behind this phrase and it is perfectly appropriate for this occasion. As a woman, it's perfectly appropriate for any occasion where a woman rises above and challenges society's view of women. But it also meant more to me than just that. This phrase resonates with me because as I run I carry the weight of my past. I hear the echoes of people in my head who didn't believe in me and said I can't do things. I fuel myself on proving to them and myself that I can.

Some of the reason behind my persistence was proving to others that I could do it. But I was also trying to prove it to myself. I did this for me. I did this because I love running. I love pushing myself. I love the feeling of accomplishing something awesome. I run for my life. I run for me. I run because I love running and I love myself. This is the one body I will have for this life and I want to treat it well. I deserve that much. I deserve to feel amazing and strong.

I'd also add that part of this experience was enhanced by the fact that my sister-in-law did it with me. She is such an incredible woman. She has had my back no matter what. She cheers me on, pushes me, and loves me unconditionally. She's the best kind of running partner. I love her so much more than words are able to express and am deeply grateful that I was able to share this experience with her. The first of many!!

So onward I go. Another 5k in June and August. Zombie run in October. And that might be it for me this year. Next year I aim to do the Warrior Dash and a few others probably. This little "hobby" of mine is probably here to stay. I will keep running as long as I am able. I won't quit. I will persist.

This Crazy Keto Diet

This diet has been surprisingly easy. At first, it was a challenge. Going through carb withdrawals was hard. I wanted to eat ALL the easter candy. I wanted to eat the fruit! I still want all the fruit, but the rest has become kind of meh.

I allowed myself a break for the Easter holiday and it took me a week to get back in ketosis. I indulged slightly in refined sugars and homemade goodies. What I discovered is that my palette has changed. The refined sugars that my brain kept telling me were so good and that I just had to have, didn't taste as good anymore. I used to have to have sugar in my green tea, and now I don't need any sweeteners at all. Even Stevia is a bit too sweet for me anymore and I am working on reducing that in my bulletproof coffee for the day as well. (Plus artificial sweeteners with no calories just make me a little nervous to be consuming a lot of.)

Fruits have become my candy. I would choose that over a chocolate Cadbury egg any day! And actually, when I allowed myself the cheat day, I mostly ate grapes. They were so good!! At the same time, my tummy has shrunk so my indulgence was kept to a decently moderate level. I was prepared to indulge till I bloated. That's what I would typically do. But this time I didn't I hate that feeling enough to not want to go there if I can control it. And it seems that since I have cleansed my palette in a way, it is easier to do that.

I am more satiated when I need to be and not freaking starving all the time. Seriously, when I was scarfing down carbs (including fruits) I never felt full. I was eating all the time. I didn't really even mean to, I was just hungry all the time. And I hate being hungry.

Bulletproof coffee is the shit. OMG I never imagine a drink concoction would be so delicious! And it keeps me feeling full for most of the day. I get the caffeine boost I need plus the fats to make me feel full and satiated. It's amazing.

I actually feel more in tune with what my body is trying to tell me now. Now that I'm not thinking I need to eat constantly I am better able to attend to thirst. I crave nutritious foods. I crave meat. I drink more water. I feel less bloated. I feel more energized.

I haven't lost much weight yet. The initial 8 pounds I thought I lost seems to have possibly been a scale fail. So I have potentially only lost 3 pounds so far. But even though the scale says I haven't lost much weight, I know I've lost something because my clothes are less tight and my tummy is way less bloated. I look in the mirror and I see change. That's really the main thing that means something to me. Scales are evil.

But I am so far doing pretty well with this process. We will see how far I can take it!

It's Not All Good All The Time And That's Okay!

Sometimes life is a bit like barbed wire;
at times smooth and straight,
other times a bit sharp and painful.
Photo by me! 

I believe everyone has their own set of challenges. Mine are no worse or better than another's. But I find often that when people share their stories it helps someone out there feel a little less alone.

I will just be honest, I battle with depression. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I've been to some pretty dark and unpleasant places. And when I say "battle" that is precisely what I mean. Because sometimes it's a battle to get out of bed, to leave the house. to talk to a human. Sometimes is a battle just to smile. Sometimes the sinking feeling inside is more than a tingle, but rather a whole wide pool you are sinking in. There are times I battle with myself over plans that I have made with a friend to follow through. I want to do things, but for whatever reason, when it comes right to it I get super anxious and a strong urge to just crawl under a rock and hide.

There are some pretty dark places we find ourselves in when in the throws of a deppressive state. It's really hard sometimes. And one of the pieces I find to be most challenging is recognizing that it's "normal" to not always be happy. Even "normal" people have days of meh. What's important and vital is identifying the set of tools you use to pull yourself out of the meh before you slip deep down into the darkness again. One of the tools that benefit me the most is exercise. Yoga and running are particularly cathartic for me.

Whenever I settle down on my mat, I set a purpose for my practice. I have a focus for a mindset I need to strengthen. Lately, I've been feeling a bit melancholy and introverted. I have had little to no desire to leave the house. I feel like I should want to but the thought of it makes my whole chest tense up with anxiety. I feel like I have no reason to feel so meh and I need to get myself out of this funk. But, what I really desire is some time alone in my thoughts. Some spiritual silence. I need to connect with myself. And there is no better place to do that than on my mat.

Today's yoga practice focused on understanding that spirituality (that being the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things) doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time, it simply asks you to be with what is. Being grateful; and positive in every moment is not realistic. Spirituality (in whatever form you practice this in) is about being with what is - being awake. Allowing the moments to unfold before you and to hopefully respond with strength, grace, curiosity, and compassion. That means sometimes we will not be happy and that is normal. I think this is especially hard to deal with when you battle depression. It's hard to know when you're just having a normal meh day or if something is tripping your trigger so to speak. Whenever I feel that sinking feeling I always try to figure out why. Am I over scheduling myself, am I doing more than I need to be, am I getting too distracted from life and not being mindful/present, have I spent enough quality time with people I love, am I caring for myself?

This way of thinking and being can apply to parenthood as well, particularly SAHPs (stay-at-home-parents) because we often criticize ourselves for our feelings of loneliness or our need to be selfish every now and then. There is the unrealistic expectation (whether real or perceived) that because we are so lucky to be able to stay at home raising our children that we should always be full of joy and gratefulness. But that is not real. Parenting is hard! Anyone doing it knows this truth. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a full spectrum of emotion because you are a SAHP or even a working parent then they need a good thump in the forehead. That just isn't real. Real is recognizing that you are human, an imperfect, beautiful human who has lots of different emotions. Sometimes individuals have a harder time coping with these emotions than others, but that doesn't make us any less worthy of joy and profound love. It doesn't make us jerks.

Depression is sneaky. It can creep up like a cloud and turn into darkened skies full of despair. A person who battles depression has to be vigilant always lest we slip and tumble to a place we don't want to visit. Feeling meh can be a recipe for disaster if you don't have a way to let the light in. But it's okay to feel a little down every now and then, or be a little grumpy. The trick is what you do with those feelings. Do you allow them to consume you or do you face them and thump them in the forehead?

Don't beat yourself up for not being joyful every moment of every day and don't allow someone else to beat you up about it either. And while you are accepting these feelings, it's also important to have a set of tools to help you get through it. That doesn't necessarily mean that your tool will instantly make you happy again. It doesn't always work that way, although sometimes it does. Exercise does that for me most of the time, but not always. The important thing is that you recognize that it is okay to not always be in the best mood, but also not to allow it to bring you down further than is necessary. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Be compassionate. Do what needs doing and carve out a little time to do something you need to carry on in life. Love yourself.

Namaste

Find The Things That Light You Up & Do Them!

Find what you need and do it.

I hate getting up early in the morning, but in order for me to be my best self, I have to spend some time with my mat in the morning. It helps me focus, opens my heart, awakens my body, and opens my mind. I don't know what it is about yoga. I know a lot of people that don't get the same feeling from it that I do. But here's the thing...it lights me up.

If you have something that lights you up inside why aren't you doing it? The everlasting excuse is "I don't have time". Well I say, boo. You have to make time for things that are important to you. You just have to. Sure you're going to have to probably sacrifice something else, but weigh your options. Which is better?

I lose a little bit of sleep, but my return is so much greater. By doing yoga in the morning I can really be present in my life. I don't feel broken or like a zombie. It's vital to my quality of life.

If you have something that brings your heart joy, then do it. It's important that you take care of your own self. Otherwise you are no good to anyone else. Until we face ourselves and do for ourselves what we might do for a stranger, we are only going to be under the control of our demons. And we should not allow them to win! Beat them down!

Sometimes I worry about sharing that I do yoga every morning. That I wake up early in order to do so. I know there are going to be some people out there who resent me for it, or possibly feel like I'm trying to make them feel lesser. But I truthfully don't. I am just sharing something that I am so passionate about. I totally get that not every person is going to do what I do. I'm not special. I'm not important. I just do what I do and sometimes I get excited about it.

So please don't feel like I'm ever trying to make you feel bad. What I want for you is joy. I want you to look in the mirror each day love yourself. Because I know what it's like to feel the pain of self hate. And I know there are a ton of people out there who know what I'm talking about. I just want to help people find their little joys, things that make them feel alive, special, loved. I want everyone to feel that. Life is so short. It's not right for us to spend it hating who we are.

A New Year, A New Chapter

As the new year approaches I find myself doing the cliché thing of considering what my personal goals and expectations are in the next year. I used to do the typical "New Year's Resolution" and pretty much always failed at least 3 or 4 months into the new year. So for the past several years my only resolution has been to "love myself".  

I knew in my heart that a goal of that magnitude was a lofty one and would potentially take years to achieve. But as I set this goal for myself I also resolved to be patient about it. I know that to destroy is quick and simple, but to rebuild something...that takes time, hard work, and dedication. 

It's been a roller coaster, but I suppose that's just the way life is. Except that, for some of us, the slope down can be as deep as the depths of hell. The past couple years in particular were quite difficult for me. A huge life change sent me, unexpectedly, into a deep dark place and I was afraid I wouldn't find my way out this time. I learned some things about myself that were both troubling and hard to accept, but at the same time have provided me with answers to questions I've had about myself for a very long time. And in this epiphany, if you will, I found hope.

And because of yoga, running, a deeply devoted husband, amazing friends, and my family, I survived the deep dark. There aren't words to describe my relief; that I can look back now and rejoice in the fact that I am not where I was before. That I am breathing, seeing, touching, and actually feeling something other than despair. I have found my way back to joy. It will be a battle I will likely fight my whole life as I have been to the deep dark many times already. My most recent visit though might have been one of the scariest and had it not been for my desperate attempt to hold on for the sake of my son...well I might not be writing this. That was a scary place to be and I really don't want to visit it ever again. 

So as I face this next year I consider what else I want to improve of myself, and honestly, I think that at this point I'm old enough to "just keep swimming". What I mean is that I kind of just have the same goals every year, but just want more of the same, to improve on the things I'm already focusing on. I know I want to continue my practice in yoga and running. Those two things have become my life force. They are like drugs. I find myself euphoric after a run and yoga centers me and calms the fire within. I need them as much as a diabetic needs insulin. 

Here are my other "resolutions":

I want to continue to work on being more empathetic and having unconditional positive regard for others. Sometimes I find myself getting lost in the rush of daily life and forget to consider that the guy who parked inches away from my car door, probably (hopefully) didn't do it to just intentionally be an ass. Or the lady checking me out at Walmart who seems extraordinarily slow and apathetic. I could be annoyed and angry with her for her sloth-like movement, but maybe she's upset about something, or maybe she doesn't feel the best and doesn't want to be at work. Or the waitress who seems to keep forgetting my drink and hasn't really checked in much. Maybe she's preoccupied with grief or is lost in a flurry of worried thoughts and isn't doing her job as well as she typically does. It's important to try to see things from a different view and to try to avoid the negative fundamental attribution error. Just be kind and remember how you'd want to be treated if you were in a state of distress or just made a mistake. 

I want to keep trying to remember to see people. It makes me sad to observe so often that many people treats others as though they are not really there, not a person with a story, not a human with feelings. I find it extraordinarily powerful when I look someone in the eye and give them a genuine smile or use their name. They light up in front of me and I am reminded that it's much more important for me to do what I can to make them feel seen and appreciated than it is for me to gain a few minutes in my day. In the rush of life I sometimes forget that other people are as human as I am and most are not jerks. Of course there are some people out there who really are jerks, but I will continue to work on not taking their actions personally. Most people who treat others poorly do so because they aren't happy themselves or have some internal struggle that makes them bitter and sour. I won't let them bring me down. 

I want to continue to challenge myself to be open-minded and listen. For the most part I feel like I am a pretty good listener. Not always, I'll admit. Sometimes I get lost inside my own mind and don't hear or listen to those who need me to. I can be dismissive at times. I suppose it's okay for me to be that way sometimes as any individual sometimes needs to just worry about themselves for a span in order to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with. And sometimes my emotional response to certain things will cloud my ability to be a good listener or to be open-minded. 

I want to continue to work on improving my patience and dulling my fierce temper. This is probably the hardest one (aside from trying to swear less). Yoga has actually helped me quite a bit in area. Ally Hamilton's classes in particular always come with some inspirational, therapeutic, fortune cookie type message and somehow I always pick the perfect one for exactly what I need that day (I know I talk about her a lot, and that might annoy some readers, but she has helped me unknowingly in ways I never dreamed possible for my life...so #sorrynotsorry!). Learning to breathe has been one of the hardest and most powerful things for me. And her books, Yoga's Healing Power: Looking Inward for Change, Growth, and Peace and Open Randomly: Fortune Cookies for the Soul) have also been incredibly helpful as well as inspirational for me. (I might be kind of in love with her. haha)

As I continue to age and mature I find that I care less and less about what people think of me. At least in the sense of aesthetics (what people think about how I look, dress, or how many tattoos I have...etc.), my personal life choices, how I choose to raise my child, and the things I value, believe in, or don't believe in. In that regard I really don't care what people think. However, I do still care on other, more broad levels what people think of me. I don't want people to think of me as mean, spiteful, or disingenuous. I don't want people to think I am unkind or untrustworthy. So, I guess on some level I do care what people think of me. But I could be Ghandi-like and some people would still think me lesser and spit at my feet. So, I won't fret over other people's opinions of me, particularly if they hardly know me at all. 

In general, I want the same thing for the coming year that I wanted last year, the year before that, and for all my years from this day forward; to be a person I won't regret being when I face the end, to be someone that people will miss and have fond memories of, to be someone who wove goodness into the world and the lives of others, and to have lived a life that I can be proud of. 

Strength Grows in the Moments When You Think You Can't Go On But You Keep Going Anyway

Some people who are close and know me or have known me for years also know that I have struggled (like basically almost every single woman in the entire world) with my self-concept, self-perception, and weight. I am guilty of self-hate, self-deprecation, starvation, and fad diets. I spent many years looking at myself in the mirror and breaking down in tears because I hated everything about how I looked on the outside. And truthfully...there were a lot of things I hated about myself on the inside too. But the outside part...that's the part that faces you every day. And if your inner voice is saying awful things to you...it breaks you. It breaks you in so many ways.

Somewhere, somehow along the way I began to shed those cruel inner voices. I know it was a long process of changing my self-talk, challenging the lies those inner voices told me, and learning to love myself for exactly who I am. I could make quite a lengthy list of all the things I hated about myself. But to do such a thing would be counterproductive...because it just doesn't even matter anymore.

In addition to being my own cruelest critic I also constantly fretted over what other people thought of me. I was always distracted by the constant running inner dialogue. I missed out on so many awesome life experiences because I feared what kind of judgement I would get from other people about how I looked or how I performed.

I worked really hard for many years to change those voices inside my head. It wasn't easy, but I did it. It's really difficult to explain how, because, like I mentioned before, it was a very long process that took years. But at the beginning I just had to make the decision that I didn't want to hear those voices anymore. I wanted so badly to love myself and be who I really am. I wanted acceptance from me.

I'm not sharing this because I think I am better than anyone. I don't share what works for me because I expect others to do it too. I share my story with whomever wants to hear it because I hope that someone out there is inspired. That someone out there reads this and knows that it can get better. It is possible to learn to love yourself. It takes time, but it is possible.

This Is What I Have Learned

Lesson 1: Changing your inner voice is a very big challenge and sometimes it requires some support outside of yourself. 

For me, I think the pivotal moment was when I was in a group counseling class during graduate school. Being surrounded by a bunch of compassionate, helping people was an incredible experience. We led groups and participated. I distinctly remember one group did a session where another person had to write something (a few words) they felt/thought about the others; what they admired about them or what they liked about them. It is sad to say that this might be the first time in my life that I ever heard (or literally read them, but my inner voice heard them) kind words said to me and gave them merit. People had said them before, but I always thought they were just saying those things because they had to. But these were people that didn't know me that well and they were still able to tell me that I had some really good qualities. It was then that I felt like it was time to start challenging that little critic inside my head that made me feel so worthless all the time. But this is where it starts and the journey never really ends (in my opinion). And at that point when you can truly love yourself just the way you are, it takes so much pressure off.

I really feel that it is necessary to point out that loving who you are or what you look like doesn't mean that you just accept whatever you've been given. I mean, yes, there are some things that can't really be changed. Like for example, I can't change the way my knees are, or that my elbows look just like my mom's, or that my ankles (regardless of how fat or thin I am) are just cankles, etc etc. Accepting yourself doesn't mean settling. It means letting go of the things you cannot change and working on changing the things you can.

Lesson 2: Take the pressure off. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

I was trying to hit the bulls-eye from 100 miles away when I had only just started shooting arrows. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Let me explain a little here. When I say this I mean that, for me, when I put pressure on myself to work out in order to lose weight or eat right in order to lose weight, I always failed. I pushed myself too hard, injured myself, and never made it to that point where I felt successful. I always gave up after a while. It was always a chore. It was not my motivator. It only increased my negative criticism and made me feel inadequate. So I decided one day to just stop. Being skinny could not be my goal if I was going to be successful. Instead I needed to do these things because I wanted to. Not that I don't want to lose weight. I definitely know that's something I want, but it just can't be the goal. Not for me.

For me "taking the pressure off" meant that I set my bar pretty low to start out. Why not? If I meet it, I raise it a little more, and so on and so on. I just continue to challenge myself to get to that next teeny bar. Achievable goals in a realistic amount of time. (Kind of like IEP goals! haha) I took the pressure off myself to run long distances, run fast, run harder, pound out that Insanity program, finish that T25 program, be perfect at yoga, etc etc etc. I lowered my expectations. I know this sounds exactly the opposite of what most people might tell you. "Aim high" is a pretty typical motivational approach. But aiming high doesn't work for me. It only works to make me feel like I just can't hit the mark. Probably because I put my aim way too high. I still have "aspirations", but I won't pressure myself to meet them in a way that makes what I am doing less satisfying.

Lesson 3: Find your "quit line(s)". 

This is the point in which your aspirations become cumbersome. My quit lines are probably completely ridiculous to other people, but I just went over how I do not care what other people think so... Some of my quit lines are things like not already being dressed to work out, having the bar set too high, working out for too long, and restricting myself. Let me explain them a little more. 

Dress for success!
Dressing to work out has been a HUGE motivator for me. I don't know if this would work for others, but it definitely works for me. If I plan to work out that day I get dressed in my work out clothes. If I'm not already dressed in my workout gear I will not change in order to work out. It's silly, and lazy, yes, but I am who I am and I know my limits. I am a bit lazy in some respects so I find a way to work around it. If I am already dressed and I don't feel like working out my inner voice says to me "Why not? You're already dressed for it. What have to got to lose now?" And it WORKS! Seriously. I tried a couple days of just getting dressed and thinking if I have time to work out today I will. I had time. I never did. So now I know that's a quit line for me. Get dressed for your goal!

Set the bar low.

Now I realize how terrible this might sound, but it makes sense for me. Too often I would have unrealistic expectations of myself. I wanted to be the best right off the start so I didn't have to suffer the humiliation that comes with the beginning weeks of starting a fitness routine. Being super slow, breathing heavily, not being able to go as long, not being able to bend into the poses, not having my body stretch as much as the instructor's, etc. etc. Those are all the things that I wanted to skip. But how silly of me was it to expect to be perfect without ever having practiced. I sit here trying to teach my son that you have to practice in order to get good at something, you have to keep trying, and yet my own personal expectation is unrealistic. So lower it. Put your goal in a place that you really feel is achievable in a reasonable amount of time. If that means your goal is to walk around the block at least once a week then great! Start small and work your way up. It doesn't matter what you are doing as long as you are doing something!

You gotta have goals, but make them realistic!
Workout when you can, but make an effort to work it in. It has to be on my mind to do it or at least be penciled in to my day. I also set a low goal to start with about frequency. I decided I would expect myself to do yoga at least once a week and run at least once a week. So far I have exceeded that goal every week. I set the bar low, then when I get to it, I can assess how I'm feeling and whether or not I feel like amping it up or not. Almost every time I get to that point and I ask myself "could I just do another or go a little farther this time?" and I feel like I can. It's so much more motivating than working myself to death then feeling like I didn't achieve anything. 

Make it short and sweet. I know myself enough to know (and just accept instead of trying to change it) that I simply cannot focus on a workout routine that lasts more than 45 minutes. I have tried and tried and I just cannot do it. Once I get past that 45 minute mark, my attention and focus deteriorate into irritation and anxiety. All I think about then is just being done with it, so my effort and focus go straight out the window. This is particularly targeting my yoga practice, but it would also apply to things like Insanity. 

Variety. I get bored SO easily with workout routines. And honestly, the only workout routine that I feel isn't torturing me is yoga. So as much as I just adore Shaun T, I can only do his workouts for so long before I begin to feel annoyed. And it's not about him at all! He's amazing. It's more about the inability to focus and that the routine begins to feel cumbersome. I started doing yoga mainly for my chronic lower back pain (thank you pregnancy for the everlasting gift of SI joint pain!). I subscribe to yogisanonymous which enables me to attend real life yoga classes by amazing instructors right in the comfort of my own home. There are hundreds of classes to choose from and they are easy to search through. I love being able to do a different practice each time or do the same practice over and over. It all depends on how I feel or what my inner voices need to hear. Whatever I do, I set myself up for success. I do what I know I want to do and will make me happy. So my variety is all the yoga workouts and running. 

Running is easy to put variety into also. I change my course all the time so I can see new things as I run. Being outside and moving is imperative. Running on a treadmill never worked for me. It became annoying to be moving, but not going anywhere. I like to be able to go places.

Do it because it feels good. Do it because you want to thank your body for being alive and giving itself to you each and every day. Do it because you want to live a long full life. Do it because you want your children to see the value in being healthy. I have found the kinds of work outs and routines that make me feel good. I get that high from it so it motivates me to want to do it again. I love it. I sleep better. I'm not insatiable all the time. I'm not tired all the time and grumpy. It just feels so damn good. 

Do it for yourself. Because you deserve it!! I have learned that when I do these things because someone tells me I should I am much less likely to do it. I don't need anyone bossing me around and telling me how to live my life and what's good for me!! I know what's good for me and I'll do it if I want to dammit! (haha I am very stubborn.) You could say I am oppositional. I don't like being told what to do or what I can't do. But even if you're not the stubborn and oppositional type, you still deserve it. 

Get a partner if you can! Having someone who both relies on you and encourages you is so motivating. My sister-in-law and I decided we were going to be each others partner. We decided to finally do a fun run together (Zombie Run is the first, but will not be the last!). Having this real goal in my face and having someone else rely on me to be there (as well as not wanting to humiliate myself by totally sucking balls) has been great for me. If I wake up not feeling like I want to run I remind myself that my sister is counting on me to run with her in a month not miles behind her. 

Moderation not Abstinence! Oh gosh this one is a big one for me. I was always pressured to stop eating this or that, cut back on this, eat more of that...blah blah blah. Abstinence does not work for me. When I cut things out of my life, like say sugar, completely it only makes the desire to have it a thousand times stronger. It breaks me, then I end up hiding in a corner scarfing down an entire bag of mellowcreme pumpkins (or something along those lines). Ok, yes, I admit, this probably means I am a sugar addict. Yes this is a real thing. Sugar is as addictive as cocaine (just google "research on sugar addiction", it will blow your mind). So...yep I am an addict. A sugar fiend. I freaking love sugar. I've tried to cut it out of my diet, but I always end up in a dark corner bingeing until my stomach aches and I can't move. It's disgusting. Humiliating. It's not something to be proud of. But I have come to accept that moderation works best for me (my husband and I disagree on this strongly). I know myself. I know what happens if I cut sugar out. I do much better at indulging myself in a reasonable way rather than doing the fast then binge routine. So yes, I consume sugar, and I am not going to stop. I'm just going to be responsible about it. That's just what works for me. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

I've been practicing yoga regularly (at least 1 to 2 times a week and often more) for almost 4 months now. (update January 2017 - Now doing it 5 times a week) I am seeing progress in every way and yoga, for me, (sigh) it's just so incredibly therapeutic. Ally Hamilton was the first yoga instructor that ever really moved my heart during a yoga practice. My first time in Savasana with her, I wept. She spoke right to my heart. It moved me in a way I cannot describe. Ally has been an inspiration to me in countless ways. She is such an amazing person and I feel so lucky to live in an age where I have virtual access to her teaching. Yoga is more than just working out for me. It's a spiritual, emotional, and physical practice. It clears my mind, calms the storms inside me, and pulls my body around in relieving ways. It has almost completely cured my chronic back pain (which has been a huge motivator for me). And it just feels sooooooooo good! Seriously. I may be a little obsessed. But I suppose that's a good thing to get addicted to right?!

Running is also a love of mine. Running in the morning is my best time. I am not a morning person and I just hate getting up early, but I have found a method that works to get my lazy, grumpy booty out of bed. Running helps me clear my head, rid myself of excess negative emotion, and is just so cathartic. I've found my perfect fitness balance between yoga and running. This is my cocktail of self-love. 

So, no I'm not skinny. In fact I haven't lost a single pound since I started working out for real (meaning building into my life routine, not just doing it to lose weight) 3 months ago. It might be because I don't do it enough or push myself enough and I know I don't always eat healthy (although I do try to do this more often than not because it makes me feel like shit when I don't...like physically. It's crazy how your body changes when you stop eating shit all the time.) But quite frankly...I don't care about losing weight. I will certainly celebrate it if I do get all hot and sexy, but if it doesn't happen for me that's ok. Right now I am in a place where I like my body. It's not perfect, not thin, there are squishy spots and jiggles, I have huge thighs, and a giant ass. But I am not "fat", at least I don't think I am, although some people out there probably would consider me fat. But they can go ahead and think that because it really doesn't matter what they think. I look in the mirror now and my inner voice is honest, but kind. I don't delude myself. I'm not like a 300 pound woman walking around in a bikini expecting people to think I'm sexy. No. I am just an average size 7 woman and sometimes I rock a bikini because I want to...because I feel ok with it and comfortable in my skin for the first time in 25 years. So yeah, I'm gonna rock it with pride, stretch marks and all! And I couldn't care less what those snickering teenagers think or anyone else for that matter.

I hope that my words are an inspiration to someone out there. There are far too many people out there hating themselves. Far too many people who say things to themselves that they would never say to another human being. Why would you respect other people more than your own self?! That is just preposterous to me. I leave you with this...believe in yourself. Find your path and just take that first step. You can't go anywhere if you just stand still and hope change comes. It just doesn't work that way. Nothing that's worth having comes easy nor does it come without an ounce of effort. So go believe in yourself, fall in love with YOU!