Don't Tell My Son Not To Cry

I'm always a little surprised when people say things to my son that they think I will approve of. Like telling him that boys don't paint their nails or that he shouldn't wear pink. I  really  hate it when someone tells my son he's okay after he gets hurt or is upset about something. Don't tell my son how he feels. He knows how he feels and his feelings should be validated and respected. Just because he happens to be a boy doesn't mean he's not allowed to feel. Some of these things do tend to light a fire inside me, and I have to make a pretty great effort not to say something rude. I try to be nice about it, because I know they don't mean to be assholes, they were just raised that way, but it still really kind of pisses me off.

I don't want my son to feel limited by his gender. I don't want him to feel like he can't express himself in whatever makes him feel good about being him. Now, I know that someday the influence of peers and the desire to be accepted will come into play and he will learn that some things just aren't going to be ignored by society. He may or may not listen to those idiots. Time will tell. But in the meantime, while he is still young and fairly innocent about life I want him to be himself. I want him to feel like it's normal and okay for him to cry if he's hurt or sad. Anger is okay too as long as it's channeled and dealt with properly .

Humans have emotions. Boys are humans. And no one has a right to tell my son to "suck it up", "man up" (I'll never understand that one...men are such whiners! haha Seriously, get them sick with a little bug and you'll see), "dry up", etc. I want my son to know that crying makes you a man. At least it does in my opinion. A man who is comfortable expressing his feelings is better to me than one who stifles them and stuffs them away. Stuffed emotions can cause all sorts of issues. I don't want that for him.

10 Reasons I am #RockingMotherhood

I was challenged to do the #RockingMotherhood Challenge by my dear friend and blogger, Alicia Knust at Adventures With My Littles. (Thanks friend!)

The purpose of this challenge is to bring focus to at least 10 things I believe make me a good mother. I really believe that moms deserve credit for all the things they do. Raising humans is not easy. Sometimes it can really break you down. I think as mothers we don't' hear it enough what we're doing right from other people. But more so, I think we forget to be kind to ourselves too.

I don't know any fellow bloggers to tag, but if you are reading this, I challenge you to make a list for yourself. And while you're at it make another list of your own positive attributes. Because we are more than just mothers and it's important that we recognize our value as humans too. #fallinlovewithyourself

So, here we go. 

My 10 #RockingMotherhood Things:

1. I'm still a bit of a child myself. I laugh about poop and farts. I like to splash in puddles and crack thin ice under my boots. I love to laugh, make up games, and be silly. This works out really well when you have a little one. We have a lot of fun together.

2. I am willing to walk slowly. My son is a slow moving sloth when it comes to going anywhere. He loves to just look and touch everything around us. He reminds me to stop and observe the world. To really see it. It's so beautiful.

3. I choose my battles. Sometimes you just gotta let some shit go. It's just not worth it. And my parenting is not about control. It's about learning to be a better person while helping my son learn to be a good person.

4. I take fitness and healthy eating very seriously. I want very much for my son to understand the value of good health and fitness. I learned late in life and have to wonder where I might be if I hadn't come in so late in the game.

5. I use words and phrases that I want to become my son's inner voice. I cheer him on, always reminding him that if he keeps trying he can do it. And if he can't, that's okay too. Sometimes we can't do things, but with enough practice and time, we can improve. I say to him, "You are a good person. You are kind. You are compassionate. You are thoughtful. You are a hard worker. You are a good helper. You make my heart so happy." And these are the things I hear him saying to others when they struggle. He's always encouraging. It's hard to say no to him when he's already said, "You can do it Mom, don't worry." I set him up to live up to a belief I already have of him and he does the same for others.

6. I am honest and respectful to my son. When you have a strong willed child you cannot just tell them what to do. You will be in for a world of hurt. The power struggle will be endless. I often have to explain why I expect him to do a certain thing and once he understands the "why" he is much more accepting of the situations expectations. He's a pretty well-behaved kid. I was really proud of him the other day when I attended a fitness class with him in tow. There was child care there, but he's never been dropped off with a stranger before, so naturally he was not comfortable with it. So he hovered beside me while I worked out quietly trying to get me to go in the room with him and making mean muggin faces, but he didn't throw a huge fit. At one point he even wanted to join in the weight lifting portion. But I was so proud of him for being so brave and not throwing a fit when mommy wanted to do something different.

7. I show him a lot of affection and if I am busy and he wants a nuggle, he gets a nuggle. I am hyper aware of the fleeting time I have with my son as he is little and loving and oh so snuggly. So I eat up these moments. I show him physical affection as well as verbal. I never ever want him to doubt whether I love him or how much.

8. I let him learn through experience. If it's safe and he's not going to harm himself in a major way, then often I will just let it happen. He can't learn if I am always there to catch him or rescue him. That's not real life. Sometimes he's going to have to get back up on his own and I want him to be able to do that.

9. I show him how important it is to be helpful and kind to others. I don't want my son growing up to be an asshole. I want him to be the kind of guy that will help an old lady reach something on a high shelf. I want him to be the kind of guy who really sees people and shows them their value in gestures of kindness. I want him to have compassion and empathy.

10. I teach him everyday about all kinds of things from gardening to letter sound. Granted, my teaching is unstructured, but he is always learning. He's a very curious little guy and I love it!

Why I refuse To Cut My Son's Hair

For a long while in my life I got my hair thinned. I don't really know why, except that every stylist I ever had recommended that I do. So I did.

Then at one point in my life I thought to myself, "Why thin my hair when I have such awesome thick hair? Some women would kill for hair as thick as mine." So I stopped. I thought that this is what I was born to have so I should embrace it.

Yes my hair is ridiculously thick. Like crazy thick. I can't use clips or pin it up easily. I break tons of hair ties. My hair stylists always stand in shock and awe at the pile I leave on the floor, even after only a trim. And my poor sister-in-law who is now my only stylist has her work cut out for her when I get my hair colored. It takes hours. Like literally from 10am to 3pm. Not a joke. But at least it gives us time to spend with just the two of us. So there's a bonus in that.

My son was blessed with the same thickness. He gets compliments on his hair all the time. His hair is spectacular! He really has the most amazing blond hair, complete with natural highlights of red and brown. It is truly just gorgeous. It's a bear to manage for sure. After any sleep he has bed head that would put Wil Wheaton's to shame. It's difficult to wash and rinse because it's so thick too. The water just tends to bead off, leaving the underparts dry as a bone. It requires movement to get the water down to the scalp.

I have had it cut several times and cut it myself even a couple. If I had not, who knows how long it would be now. But I can't do it anymore. He just doesn't seem to me like the kind of boy that has a crew cut. His plump face looks too grown up with short short hair. My heart breaks too much when it disappears. He likes it long. I like it long. And why wouldn't we want him to have something he can appreciate when he is so blessed with such a gorgeous mane?

Boys can have long hair. It doesn't bother me one bit. Boys can wear earrings in both ears and I don't care. It doesn't even phase me. But some older people become very annoyed at the sight of my son's thick, wavy locks. They encourage me to cut it or ask me when I will. And I simply say no. Why would I do that to him? Why would I try to make him something he is not? He is old enough now to tell me whether he wants his hair cut. And he does. The last time we got it cut, it was because he wanted to. I didn't, but he did.

I won't cut it. I don't know at what point I will encourage it. Maybe never. I don't see me doing the 'man bun' to him though. I don't know. But I love him just the way he is. I love his massive head of hair. He's the best.

Find The Things That Light You Up & Do Them!

Find what you need and do it.

I hate getting up early in the morning, but in order for me to be my best self, I have to spend some time with my mat in the morning. It helps me focus, opens my heart, awakens my body, and opens my mind. I don't know what it is about yoga. I know a lot of people that don't get the same feeling from it that I do. But here's the thing...it lights me up.

If you have something that lights you up inside why aren't you doing it? The everlasting excuse is "I don't have time". Well I say, boo. You have to make time for things that are important to you. You just have to. Sure you're going to have to probably sacrifice something else, but weigh your options. Which is better?

I lose a little bit of sleep, but my return is so much greater. By doing yoga in the morning I can really be present in my life. I don't feel broken or like a zombie. It's vital to my quality of life.

If you have something that brings your heart joy, then do it. It's important that you take care of your own self. Otherwise you are no good to anyone else. Until we face ourselves and do for ourselves what we might do for a stranger, we are only going to be under the control of our demons. And we should not allow them to win! Beat them down!

Sometimes I worry about sharing that I do yoga every morning. That I wake up early in order to do so. I know there are going to be some people out there who resent me for it, or possibly feel like I'm trying to make them feel lesser. But I truthfully don't. I am just sharing something that I am so passionate about. I totally get that not every person is going to do what I do. I'm not special. I'm not important. I just do what I do and sometimes I get excited about it.

So please don't feel like I'm ever trying to make you feel bad. What I want for you is joy. I want you to look in the mirror each day love yourself. Because I know what it's like to feel the pain of self hate. And I know there are a ton of people out there who know what I'm talking about. I just want to help people find their little joys, things that make them feel alive, special, loved. I want everyone to feel that. Life is so short. It's not right for us to spend it hating who we are.

Mommy Confession: I Didn't and Won't Finish My Son's Baby Book

I know there are going to be plenty of parents out there who are going to disagree with me on this one, but it is my opinion that traditional baby books are quite an archaic practice.

I started one. Why? Well, it was just something I thought people were supposed to do. I also thought that my ability to complete this book was a reflection of how good a mother I was, because (gasp!) what kind of a mother doesn't even bother to complete her own child's baby book!? Or at least that was the false idea I had in my head.

So, I worked hard on it. I tried to write down everything and make sure each little category was completed. When I forgot something I was really hard on myself about it.

Then in the middle of age 1, I just stopped. I have a handful of photos just tucked into the book waiting to be glued down. I know there are a ton of pages left empty.

What made me give it up? Well...quite frankly I just didn't enjoy it. It was fairly time consuming and I eventually realized that I would much rather be spending that time actually in the moment with my son rather than spending time trying to document everything. And I asked myself what my son would rather have me doing; ignoring him while I try to fill out this book or spending time with him building endless variations of train tracks?

In these times it is so much easier to just live life and have it documented as you go. There are a number of apps, like Time Hop, that allows you to photograph life and take walks down memory lane all the time. Facebook does this too. Google Photos stores everything by date and is easy to search. All my documented and important images are stored in "the cloud". It's fairly effortless. And if there are other memories I want to preserve that can't be stored photographically I have a running Google doc that I periodically write little notes to my son on. Someday, when he can read, I'll share it with him so he can read the things I wrote (and some family members too) while he was growing up.

The other factor is that, well, he just isn't going to care. Sure it will be a nice little memory to look at every now and then, but when it comes right down to it I think my son would rather have me there with him experiencing life rather than sitting in a corner stressing about completing lines in a book and pasting photos. I don't think my mom completed mine. While I appreciate what she did complete some pages of mine, I honestly don't feel that her ability/inability to complete my baby book is a direct reflection of her parenting. The things that mattered most were the things she did with me.

So, yeah I give up on the baby book. Maybe someday I'll get really bored and try to do what little I can remember by then, but I highly doubt it. And I'm okay with this.

When It's Been One Of Those Days...The Moments That Melt Me

You know what kind of day I mean, if you're a parent. One of those days where no matter what I do for my child, it's wrong. I can't please him. I can't give him enough attention. Then on those days, gravity too seems to be spiteful towards me. I drop everything. I'm running late. You know the kind of day I'm talking about.

Then night time comes along and the bedtime routine goes fairly well, but the child seems to be more interested in expanding his creative methods of stalling. He needs to pee...5 times. He needs a drink...two or three. He's afraid of the shadows. He needs the lights on. He beckons me into his room for the 7th time just to say that I forgot something but he doesn't know what.

I try to be patient. I really do. But unfortunately for him he did not get a mom with unlimited patience. Mine runs short after probably the 4th beckoning.

You know...one of those days!

He's not like that all day every day, but the 3-year old's emotional stability is precarious at best. So even on our best days he has his moments.

But sprinkled among those minutes that I feel like I'm living with a crazy person and consider pulling out all my hair are moments that remind me how very lucky I am to have him in my life.

Sometimes we'll just be walking outside talking about the trees, the sky, the grass, dog poo, and suddenly he'll say sweetly, "I love you Momm-O". He says it with so much feeling. Like he really means it. He does this often in random daily moments. I capture those words, those emotions, in my heart to keep forever. I know someday he might not tell me he loves me as much as he'll tell me he hates me and I'm ruining his life. haha

I got a new robe for Christmas and he asks me to put it on so he can "nuggle" with me and my robe. Then he proceeds to snuggle up as close as humanly possible, pet me, and softly tell me again how much he loves me...and my new robe.

Sometimes he'll just look at me and with the honesty of an innocent child say "You look like a pretty princess!"

Then there's those moments in the wee hours of the night that he's woken up with leg/knee pain, feeling sick, or having had a bad dream and he'll yell out "Mommy! Come in here Mommy!" And he just needs me to be close to him for a bit until he falls asleep again.

The gentle touch of his hand affectionately and nonchalantly placed on my arm as we sit and watch our own devices together on the couch (I've been bingeing on Stranger Things and I don't want him to watch it...don't judge me).

I relish these moments. My heart swells with joy. And I don't take them for granted because I know I won't always have this small person to snuggle up into my arms. He won't always want to lay his head on my chest to "hear my heart go tick tock tick". He won't always let me give him kisses or tickle his tummy. I won't be able to get close to him and smell his hair forever. He won't want me to hold his hand everywhere we go as long as we live. All of these little things will someday become only a memory. He won't always be my small little boy. And while I have him in this way I will take it all in and hold onto it as tightly as I possibly can. Because someday he'll be all grown up and things will be different.

I Am More

     Motherhood is most definitely one of the best "jobs" I have ever had. At the same time, being a mommy (especially a SAHM) can make one feel as though they have lost themselves or become invisible in a way. We are always so busy taking care of our littles that we don't often get the opportunity to be seen by others as something other than just a mom. As a working mom, I hated having to leave my son, but I also really loved being able to have adult conversations and be appreciated for the work I did. It made me feel good to feel as though I was doing something important (not that being a mom isn't important, but typically no one makes an effort to show us we are appreciated).
     This year I have finally been able to sneak in some time for me to do things I want to do like volunteer. It's really the only sort of thing that I can do because right now my schedule doesn't have much flexibility. I'd have to find a sitter that will watch him for free so that can be a challenge. The first day I volunteered at our local children's museum I broke down in tears on my way home. Why? Well, besides the fact that I am a very emotional person, I finally felt like someone saw me. Like really saw me. I finally had conversations that weren't solely about my son with other adults that seemed to appreciate my presence. It made my heart swell with joy.
     I'm probably in my final year of being a SAHM. My son will begin preschool so I will have to go back to work at least part time. I'm trying to do as much volunteering as I can. It's kind of become a bit of an addiction. I feel useful. People are nice to me. I get to work with kiddos a little bit. Well, actually, the most interaction with kiddos I've had so far is when I volunteered to be the check-in lady at the holiday event. Otherwise, I've mostly just done crafting projects, but I love being helpful so it's totally cool with me.
     In any case, I know the ladies at the museum have no idea how much it means to me that they allow me to come do their bidding for a few hours here and there. But it means a great deal. It makes me feel like a person again. Like I'm still useful. Not just a housewife or a mom, but something a little bit more.