This Crazy Keto Diet

This diet has been surprisingly easy. At first, it was a challenge. Going through carb withdrawals was hard. I wanted to eat ALL the easter candy. I wanted to eat the fruit! I still want all the fruit, but the rest has become kind of meh.

I allowed myself a break for the Easter holiday and it took me a week to get back in ketosis. I indulged slightly in refined sugars and homemade goodies. What I discovered is that my palette has changed. The refined sugars that my brain kept telling me were so good and that I just had to have, didn't taste as good anymore. I used to have to have sugar in my green tea, and now I don't need any sweeteners at all. Even Stevia is a bit too sweet for me anymore and I am working on reducing that in my bulletproof coffee for the day as well. (Plus artificial sweeteners with no calories just make me a little nervous to be consuming a lot of.)

Fruits have become my candy. I would choose that over a chocolate Cadbury egg any day! And actually, when I allowed myself the cheat day, I mostly ate grapes. They were so good!! At the same time, my tummy has shrunk so my indulgence was kept to a decently moderate level. I was prepared to indulge till I bloated. That's what I would typically do. But this time I didn't I hate that feeling enough to not want to go there if I can control it. And it seems that since I have cleansed my palette in a way, it is easier to do that.

I am more satiated when I need to be and not freaking starving all the time. Seriously, when I was scarfing down carbs (including fruits) I never felt full. I was eating all the time. I didn't really even mean to, I was just hungry all the time. And I hate being hungry.

Bulletproof coffee is the shit. OMG I never imagine a drink concoction would be so delicious! And it keeps me feeling full for most of the day. I get the caffeine boost I need plus the fats to make me feel full and satiated. It's amazing.

I actually feel more in tune with what my body is trying to tell me now. Now that I'm not thinking I need to eat constantly I am better able to attend to thirst. I crave nutritious foods. I crave meat. I drink more water. I feel less bloated. I feel more energized.

I haven't lost much weight yet. The initial 8 pounds I thought I lost seems to have possibly been a scale fail. So I have potentially only lost 3 pounds so far. But even though the scale says I haven't lost much weight, I know I've lost something because my clothes are less tight and my tummy is way less bloated. I look in the mirror and I see change. That's really the main thing that means something to me. Scales are evil.

But I am so far doing pretty well with this process. We will see how far I can take it!

It's Not All Good All The Time And That's Okay!

Sometimes life is a bit like barbed wire;
at times smooth and straight,
other times a bit sharp and painful.
Photo by me! 

I believe everyone has their own set of challenges. Mine are no worse or better than another's. But I find often that when people share their stories it helps someone out there feel a little less alone.

I will just be honest, I battle with depression. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. I've been to some pretty dark and unpleasant places. And when I say "battle" that is precisely what I mean. Because sometimes it's a battle to get out of bed, to leave the house. to talk to a human. Sometimes is a battle just to smile. Sometimes the sinking feeling inside is more than a tingle, but rather a whole wide pool you are sinking in. There are times I battle with myself over plans that I have made with a friend to follow through. I want to do things, but for whatever reason, when it comes right to it I get super anxious and a strong urge to just crawl under a rock and hide.

There are some pretty dark places we find ourselves in when in the throws of a deppressive state. It's really hard sometimes. And one of the pieces I find to be most challenging is recognizing that it's "normal" to not always be happy. Even "normal" people have days of meh. What's important and vital is identifying the set of tools you use to pull yourself out of the meh before you slip deep down into the darkness again. One of the tools that benefit me the most is exercise. Yoga and running are particularly cathartic for me.

Whenever I settle down on my mat, I set a purpose for my practice. I have a focus for a mindset I need to strengthen. Lately, I've been feeling a bit melancholy and introverted. I have had little to no desire to leave the house. I feel like I should want to but the thought of it makes my whole chest tense up with anxiety. I feel like I have no reason to feel so meh and I need to get myself out of this funk. But, what I really desire is some time alone in my thoughts. Some spiritual silence. I need to connect with myself. And there is no better place to do that than on my mat.

Today's yoga practice focused on understanding that spirituality (that being the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things) doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time, it simply asks you to be with what is. Being grateful; and positive in every moment is not realistic. Spirituality (in whatever form you practice this in) is about being with what is - being awake. Allowing the moments to unfold before you and to hopefully respond with strength, grace, curiosity, and compassion. That means sometimes we will not be happy and that is normal. I think this is especially hard to deal with when you battle depression. It's hard to know when you're just having a normal meh day or if something is tripping your trigger so to speak. Whenever I feel that sinking feeling I always try to figure out why. Am I over scheduling myself, am I doing more than I need to be, am I getting too distracted from life and not being mindful/present, have I spent enough quality time with people I love, am I caring for myself?

This way of thinking and being can apply to parenthood as well, particularly SAHPs (stay-at-home-parents) because we often criticize ourselves for our feelings of loneliness or our need to be selfish every now and then. There is the unrealistic expectation (whether real or perceived) that because we are so lucky to be able to stay at home raising our children that we should always be full of joy and gratefulness. But that is not real. Parenting is hard! Anyone doing it knows this truth. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a full spectrum of emotion because you are a SAHP or even a working parent then they need a good thump in the forehead. That just isn't real. Real is recognizing that you are human, an imperfect, beautiful human who has lots of different emotions. Sometimes individuals have a harder time coping with these emotions than others, but that doesn't make us any less worthy of joy and profound love. It doesn't make us jerks.

Depression is sneaky. It can creep up like a cloud and turn into darkened skies full of despair. A person who battles depression has to be vigilant always lest we slip and tumble to a place we don't want to visit. Feeling meh can be a recipe for disaster if you don't have a way to let the light in. But it's okay to feel a little down every now and then, or be a little grumpy. The trick is what you do with those feelings. Do you allow them to consume you or do you face them and thump them in the forehead?

Don't beat yourself up for not being joyful every moment of every day and don't allow someone else to beat you up about it either. And while you are accepting these feelings, it's also important to have a set of tools to help you get through it. That doesn't necessarily mean that your tool will instantly make you happy again. It doesn't always work that way, although sometimes it does. Exercise does that for me most of the time, but not always. The important thing is that you recognize that it is okay to not always be in the best mood, but also not to allow it to bring you down further than is necessary. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Be compassionate. Do what needs doing and carve out a little time to do something you need to carry on in life. Love yourself.

Namaste

Attend To Your Derailing Switches

Recently, I pulled through a local coffee stop to indulge in a delicious smoothie filled with chia seeds, protein, and an energy boost (whatever that is...). As I waited in line I noticed this sign. The decor design of the place is themed on trains. (Super cute really. I love this place.) So this sign in its basic state of interpretation is meant to refer to trains (A derail or derailer is a device used to prevent fouling of a rail track (by anything being present on the track, such as a person, a train or a fallen branch) by unauthorized movements of trains or unattended rolling stock.).

My interpretation of the phrase went a bit deeper. It made me think of things that derail me from my fitness, my attention, my focus, and my kinder inner voice. I know we all have them. Everyone has that something the throws them off track. There are cookies, of course. Or on a more personal level maybe there's a person in your life that sweeps in and creates havoc then disappears again. Perhaps your self-doubt is strong and your lack of confidence is stifling. Maybe you let yourself get derailed because you don't value yourself enough. Maybe pizza is just too fucking good.

I tend to get derailed when I neglect my self-care. Even if I do it for the right reasons feeling like I'm listening to my body and it needs a break. Or if I'm sick. I went 3 days without yoga a few weeks ago because I was feeling under the weather and worried that I'd get a full blown cold. SO I took it easy thinking that would help prevent me from getting sick. It didn't, but those 3 days were hard on me! I started losing my motivation. I felt more meloncholy. I was tired. I was grumpy. I wasn't focused. When I started hearing that negative inner voice again I knew it was time to do something about it. I had been derailed and now it was time to woman up and get myself back on track.

Sometimes it's things that other people say that send me flying. The first time I attended a new fitness center class there was a woman there who said something to me that still sort of rings in my head. I was talking about how I was really excited to do my first 5k and color run. She responded saying, "Oh, just a 5k. I just got done doing a 10k." Old me would have allowed that comment to sink in like a burr. It would have angered and irritated me, possibly spreading an infection throughout my inner mind. When those words came out of her mouth I felt a slight tingle inside. It was that old me wanting to get out. But I stifled her. And I responded to this woman with playful sarcasm and said, "Oh just a 5k? I'm pretty proud of getting that far. Good for you on the 10k! That must have been a real challenge. Maybe someday I'll get to that." I laughed kindly and just sort of brushed it off. I could tell she felt like a jackass for sticking her foot in her mouth. That was sufficient enough for me. I didn't need to make her feel worse, nor did I need to let it poison my mind. I didn't know this woman and she didn't know me. I can assume she didn't mean what she said in a hurtful way. And even if she did, it doesn't matter. Because she doesn't know me well enough to judge me and the people that do know me well enough to judge me, won't. I'm proud of where I am in my journey. Even the beginning is a worthy place to be. Because that means you have finally realized that you are important enough to love and care for.

With regard to less mental derailment and more healthy eating derailment. Those are pretty easy to count off. Holidays are the worst. I tend to indulge way WAY more than I should. Or anytime I bake. My son loves to help in the kitchen and loves baking. So naturally, he always wants to make cookies. The only problem is that mommy loves cookies and lacks the self-control required to stay away from them! haha But seriously, right now just thinking about it makes me want to go make some and then eat them all. Yes, all of them. Even though I know the suffering it will cause. The bloating. The sugar hangover the next morning. I would eat them all anyway.

The bottom line is that whatever your reason, whatever it is you feel derailed from, give it some attention. Address it. Find some way to help set you back on the tracks. Maybe a good talk with a friend. Perhaps a date night with the significant other. Take a hot bath and drink something with alcohol.  Maybe just drop your devices, get on the floor, and play with your kids. Be present. Do something nice for yourself. Sometimes it's hard to give ourselves enough attention to get back on track before the derailment becomes a lingering challenge. The sooner you face it, the easier it is to deal with.

What derails you? Feel free to share in the comments.

Namaste

10 Reasons I am #RockingMotherhood

I was challenged to do the #RockingMotherhood Challenge by my dear friend and blogger, Alicia Knust at Adventures With My Littles. (Thanks friend!)

The purpose of this challenge is to bring focus to at least 10 things I believe make me a good mother. I really believe that moms deserve credit for all the things they do. Raising humans is not easy. Sometimes it can really break you down. I think as mothers we don't' hear it enough what we're doing right from other people. But more so, I think we forget to be kind to ourselves too.

I don't know any fellow bloggers to tag, but if you are reading this, I challenge you to make a list for yourself. And while you're at it make another list of your own positive attributes. Because we are more than just mothers and it's important that we recognize our value as humans too. #fallinlovewithyourself

So, here we go. 

My 10 #RockingMotherhood Things:

1. I'm still a bit of a child myself. I laugh about poop and farts. I like to splash in puddles and crack thin ice under my boots. I love to laugh, make up games, and be silly. This works out really well when you have a little one. We have a lot of fun together.

2. I am willing to walk slowly. My son is a slow moving sloth when it comes to going anywhere. He loves to just look and touch everything around us. He reminds me to stop and observe the world. To really see it. It's so beautiful.

3. I choose my battles. Sometimes you just gotta let some shit go. It's just not worth it. And my parenting is not about control. It's about learning to be a better person while helping my son learn to be a good person.

4. I take fitness and healthy eating very seriously. I want very much for my son to understand the value of good health and fitness. I learned late in life and have to wonder where I might be if I hadn't come in so late in the game.

5. I use words and phrases that I want to become my son's inner voice. I cheer him on, always reminding him that if he keeps trying he can do it. And if he can't, that's okay too. Sometimes we can't do things, but with enough practice and time, we can improve. I say to him, "You are a good person. You are kind. You are compassionate. You are thoughtful. You are a hard worker. You are a good helper. You make my heart so happy." And these are the things I hear him saying to others when they struggle. He's always encouraging. It's hard to say no to him when he's already said, "You can do it Mom, don't worry." I set him up to live up to a belief I already have of him and he does the same for others.

6. I am honest and respectful to my son. When you have a strong willed child you cannot just tell them what to do. You will be in for a world of hurt. The power struggle will be endless. I often have to explain why I expect him to do a certain thing and once he understands the "why" he is much more accepting of the situations expectations. He's a pretty well-behaved kid. I was really proud of him the other day when I attended a fitness class with him in tow. There was child care there, but he's never been dropped off with a stranger before, so naturally he was not comfortable with it. So he hovered beside me while I worked out quietly trying to get me to go in the room with him and making mean muggin faces, but he didn't throw a huge fit. At one point he even wanted to join in the weight lifting portion. But I was so proud of him for being so brave and not throwing a fit when mommy wanted to do something different.

7. I show him a lot of affection and if I am busy and he wants a nuggle, he gets a nuggle. I am hyper aware of the fleeting time I have with my son as he is little and loving and oh so snuggly. So I eat up these moments. I show him physical affection as well as verbal. I never ever want him to doubt whether I love him or how much.

8. I let him learn through experience. If it's safe and he's not going to harm himself in a major way, then often I will just let it happen. He can't learn if I am always there to catch him or rescue him. That's not real life. Sometimes he's going to have to get back up on his own and I want him to be able to do that.

9. I show him how important it is to be helpful and kind to others. I don't want my son growing up to be an asshole. I want him to be the kind of guy that will help an old lady reach something on a high shelf. I want him to be the kind of guy who really sees people and shows them their value in gestures of kindness. I want him to have compassion and empathy.

10. I teach him everyday about all kinds of things from gardening to letter sound. Granted, my teaching is unstructured, but he is always learning. He's a very curious little guy and I love it!

Find The Things That Light You Up & Do Them!

Find what you need and do it.

I hate getting up early in the morning, but in order for me to be my best self, I have to spend some time with my mat in the morning. It helps me focus, opens my heart, awakens my body, and opens my mind. I don't know what it is about yoga. I know a lot of people that don't get the same feeling from it that I do. But here's the thing...it lights me up.

If you have something that lights you up inside why aren't you doing it? The everlasting excuse is "I don't have time". Well I say, boo. You have to make time for things that are important to you. You just have to. Sure you're going to have to probably sacrifice something else, but weigh your options. Which is better?

I lose a little bit of sleep, but my return is so much greater. By doing yoga in the morning I can really be present in my life. I don't feel broken or like a zombie. It's vital to my quality of life.

If you have something that brings your heart joy, then do it. It's important that you take care of your own self. Otherwise you are no good to anyone else. Until we face ourselves and do for ourselves what we might do for a stranger, we are only going to be under the control of our demons. And we should not allow them to win! Beat them down!

Sometimes I worry about sharing that I do yoga every morning. That I wake up early in order to do so. I know there are going to be some people out there who resent me for it, or possibly feel like I'm trying to make them feel lesser. But I truthfully don't. I am just sharing something that I am so passionate about. I totally get that not every person is going to do what I do. I'm not special. I'm not important. I just do what I do and sometimes I get excited about it.

So please don't feel like I'm ever trying to make you feel bad. What I want for you is joy. I want you to look in the mirror each day love yourself. Because I know what it's like to feel the pain of self hate. And I know there are a ton of people out there who know what I'm talking about. I just want to help people find their little joys, things that make them feel alive, special, loved. I want everyone to feel that. Life is so short. It's not right for us to spend it hating who we are.

The Pursuit of Happiness: A Journey Toward Self Love

Every Journey Starts With A Single Step

For the record, I believe, that a journey like this never really ends. Well, when I die it will end I suppose, but in the spirit of focusing more on the positive aspects of this concept we will just ignore that truth for right now.

Learning to love ones self might be one of our greatest life challenges. At least, I know it has been for me, and I can think of a number of women and men who can relate for certain. It is a long and arduous journey, but worth it. Sometimes it helps to hear a little anecdote about someone else's journey. It might be the one thing that sparks hope inside your heart and pushes toward active pursuit of happiness.

My story begins around age 1. As in most stories of personal growth, it typically starts with pain. At this young age I was already beginning a path of pain and heartache. I don't remember the details (I was only 1 after all...), but around this age was when my mother decided it was time to leave an abusive relationship with my biological father only to fall into the arms of another man who became emotionally and sometimes physically abusive as well. So, you could say my journey starts with abandonment. The people I needed most in my life to be there, to love me unconditionally, well they weren't there. My mom did her best, and she did enough to counteract some of the harms caused, but it wasn't enough. My biological father disappeared from my life and later only became a part of it because he wouldn't have to pay child support while I was visiting. He was mean and mostly made me feel like my existence was as annoying as a fly buzzing in your face. He was an alcoholic and very abusive both emotionally and physically towards his romantic partners/wives. He was never directly mean to me or abusive, but his overall tone of "God I wish I didn't have to deal with you" kind of set the tone for how I felt he felt about me. He forgot my birthdays. He did not call. And like a foolish child, I longed for his love. I yearned for him to care about me...to validate that my existence meaningful and important. I yearned for his love until I was about 13. Then at that point I gave up.

Meanwhile, my step-father started out as a pretty decent guy. He cared about me when I was little and treated me like I was his own child. He and my mother got married and went on to have two more children. Over the years, he progressively became a giant asshole. He too was an alcoholic and extremely emotionally abusive. I longed for his approval. He told me I was fat all the time and teased me about the way I looked. When I actually did have something I felt confident about (like singing) he always found some fault in it. I became a perfectionist who was terrified of failure. Because the message I had been given for the majority of my life was "If you aren't perfect you are worth nothing and no one can love you". I spent most of my childhood depressed and angry. I wasn't a nice girl. I was mean, a bully, and hateful. I cried a lot and screamed often. I don't remember many happy things at all. I want to. I don't know if I just don't remember them or they just weren't there.

I spent a lot of time hating myself and being critical. I would stand in front of the mirror on a daily basis just hating myself. I would say things to myself that I would never ever say to another human being. I would cry. Like really cry.

This self-hate and absence of confidence impacted all aspects of my life. I made terrible choices in relationships. I believe no one would ever really love me so I would sabotage things sometimes to fulfill my own prophecy of being unworthy and force people to abandon me. I avoided trying new things for fear of failure. I was easily manipulated and taken advantage of. And I spent a lot of time in my head worrying about what other people thought of me.

My mom always tried to tell me that I was perfect just the way I was. That I was good inside and kind. That I was worthy of love. But I never believed her. And it even got to the point where I would get angry and lash out at her if she even tried to convince me of these things. I could not believe them. There was too much evidence to the contrary. But I must say now that I am so glad she kept trying to convince me...because it was this small voice deep down inside, screaming as loud as possible, that helped me find my footing eventually and guided me (albeit very slowly) toward loving myself.

It's really kind of sad to put in perspective exactly how much of my life I have spent hating myself. 25 years of loathing. 25 years. If I live to be 100, that's a quarter of my life.

The pivot point for me began in graduate college. Grad school can make or break you, not just academically, but emotionally as well. It most certainly put me to the test in just about every way possible. It was the biggest challenge to my self-doubt that I had ever really faced.

I chose a helping profession so in that I began attending classes to learn how to provide counseling support for future students. Little did I know that it would change me in ways I never dreamed. My first real challenge came in an unlikely place...group counseling class. I don't remember exactly how it came about, but there was an activity where the group wrote a note to someone else in the group saying positive things about them. None of these people knew me, I mean not really. We were acquaintances sharing a class together. We barely knew each other at all. But the words written on that little blue post-it note hit my heart like a freight train. This person didn't know me from Adam, but somehow she was able to see positive things in me and about me that I refused to recognize for myself. This was the first crack in my self-made, hateful armor. I kept that post-it note on my vanity mirror for several years after that. I vowed to keep it up there until I believed with my own heart that those words about me were true. It stayed on my mirror for 7 years.

Evolving from the person I was to the person I am now was not easy, and clearly it was not fast. But I was committed to finding true happiness, and I knew the only way to find that was to fall in love with the most important person in my life...me.

Finding Solace in Fitness

My journey of fitness started with the desire to lose weight. This, in my humble opinion, is the wrong way to approach it. If this is the reason you lose weight and you only do it when you feel fat, then you are going to be riding that awful roller coaster for a long time my friend. And I assure you, it is not thrilling in the least. I found that it actually made me feel worse about myself. I was always starting over and in doing so always seeming to myself like I am a failure. Mix in with that roller coaster some very unhealthy eating (or not eating) habits and you're really in for a rough ride. It isn't fun, fulfilling, or rewarding. I don't recommend this approach.

I was a size 5 once. "Skinny fat" is what I've heard it called. I took ephedrine and pretty much lived on Starbucks and booze. I counted calories, not nutrition. i was skinny, and rather gorgeous (if I might say so myself), but I only looked good on the outside. On the inside I was a wreck with self-hate and suffocating self-hate. Then my grandfather died. My heart shattered and I fell into a downward spiral of bingeing and depression. I gained a lot of weight very quickly (it is much easier to gain it than it is to lose).

I really don't know for certain the exact day I began to look at my body and not hate it. Sure I was overweight, but at some point I stopped caring about that. Not in the sense that I just "let myself go" but in the sense that I could look at my chubs and not crumble with despair. I looked at them and thought to myself, "I am in control of this. It is not in control of me. And I will not be defined by my body."

When I got pregnant I got HUGE! I was already overweight then I packed on a baby and shit ton of amniotic fluid. I approached 200 pounds. I was terrified. I could not let myself go past that number. I just couldn't.

During my pregnancy I was also blessed with gestational diabetes (GD). This was sort of a wake-up call for me. I learned that women who have GD are 50% (50%!!) more likely to develop full on diabetes in the future if they do not care for themselves. During my pregnancy, with GD, I was forced to eat healthy and have a restricted diet. I did it for my child. I did it for me. And I discovered...it really isn't all that bad. Eating healthier made me feel better both emotionally and physically. It also altered my palette, so the less healthy foods became less appealing to me.

After the birth of my son I did the ever so painful Insanity program by Shaun T (who is freaking awesome btw). I also started doing yoga.

Now, yoga is special to me. The first time I did a class with Ally Hamilton (who is one of the most amazing humans on Earth...in my opinion) and it was like she knew my heart. She spoke to me in savasana and I wept. She hit me right in the feels. I have been in love with her and the practice ever since. Yoga does more for me than nurture my physical self, but it also nurtures my soul. Each minute I spend with my mat is a minute of exhalation. All the tightness in my heart is let loose. I breathe. I feel. I challenge myself. I stretch. It is sort of a spiritual experience for me as well as a natural drug. It has become part of my life. It's not just something I've picked up that I'll do until I hit that size 5 again (which is probably not very likely to happen since I now actually have muscle mass instead of just squishies). It is important to me. I make time for it. I need it.

Then there's running. Oh god I love running. I started running about 5 years ago because stress was causing me to have panic attacks again and I needed an outlet. I'm a bottler. I tend to stuff my stress down until there's no more room and I just explode with rage. So, instead of stuffing, I began running. Running got me out in nature (which is also cathartic for me), it wasn't stationary and dull, and, like yoga, became a drug. After a good run I feel like a great weight has been lifted. I feel alive. I feel young. I feel focused and inspired (in fact, this post was inspired by my morning run today!). Running makes me feel good. I can continually challenge myself and I get to feel accomplished. And WOW what a feeling that is. After doing my first fun run this fall I felt like I was on top of the world. I can do anything!

Fitness has become my therapy. Well, one of them anyway. I struggle with a lot of issues in addition to self-loathing and doubt so I have a lot of coping practices in my little bag of tricks, which is actually really important for anyone. This way, if you are for some reason unable to use one of your favorite coping activities, you can do a different one and still get the relief you need.

Sometimes I Slip

The other day I was getting ready to take my son somewhere and my hair was not cooperating so I threw it up in a bun, which also was not cooperating. I didn't feel super thrilled with the result and started having negative thoughts, criticizing how I looked and how others might look at me and judge me negatively. I caught myself and said out loud, "No, you stop that! You don't care what those people think about your damn hair. You are more than just your hair so knock it off. You know better than that." I talk to myself out loud a lot when I need a good pep talk or scolding. It works for me. I'm not ashamed. 

But the bottom line here is that I am human. And as a human I am inherently riddled with flaws. But those flaws are what makes me me. Sometimes I slip, fall, stumble...but as long as I get back up again and hold my head up high I am going to be ok. I remind myself all the time that what I say to myself should be the same as what I would say to a stranger, to my son, and to people I love. Loving myself is just as important as loving anyone else. In fact, it might be even more important. Because I truly believe that when you do not love yourself, you approach life and its situations in a completely different way. The language becomes "I can" instead of "I can't"; "I'll try." instead of "I'm too afraid to fail to try."; "I am worthy of love and being treated with respect and dignity." instead of "I deserve this punishment and no one can love me."

To Be Continued

This journey of self-discovery and self-love doesn't end. At least it won't for me. I'll never stop trying to better myself. I'll never give up on myself ever again. And while I walk this path it is my hope that I will greet others along the way, and they will join me on their own journey to fall in love with the most important person in their life; themselves.

Strength Grows in the Moments When You Think You Can't Go On But You Keep Going Anyway

Some people who are close and know me or have known me for years also know that I have struggled (like basically almost every single woman in the entire world) with my self-concept, self-perception, and weight. I am guilty of self-hate, self-deprecation, starvation, and fad diets. I spent many years looking at myself in the mirror and breaking down in tears because I hated everything about how I looked on the outside. And truthfully...there were a lot of things I hated about myself on the inside too. But the outside part...that's the part that faces you every day. And if your inner voice is saying awful things to you...it breaks you. It breaks you in so many ways.

Somewhere, somehow along the way I began to shed those cruel inner voices. I know it was a long process of changing my self-talk, challenging the lies those inner voices told me, and learning to love myself for exactly who I am. I could make quite a lengthy list of all the things I hated about myself. But to do such a thing would be counterproductive...because it just doesn't even matter anymore.

In addition to being my own cruelest critic I also constantly fretted over what other people thought of me. I was always distracted by the constant running inner dialogue. I missed out on so many awesome life experiences because I feared what kind of judgement I would get from other people about how I looked or how I performed.

I worked really hard for many years to change those voices inside my head. It wasn't easy, but I did it. It's really difficult to explain how, because, like I mentioned before, it was a very long process that took years. But at the beginning I just had to make the decision that I didn't want to hear those voices anymore. I wanted so badly to love myself and be who I really am. I wanted acceptance from me.

I'm not sharing this because I think I am better than anyone. I don't share what works for me because I expect others to do it too. I share my story with whomever wants to hear it because I hope that someone out there is inspired. That someone out there reads this and knows that it can get better. It is possible to learn to love yourself. It takes time, but it is possible.

This Is What I Have Learned

Lesson 1: Changing your inner voice is a very big challenge and sometimes it requires some support outside of yourself. 

For me, I think the pivotal moment was when I was in a group counseling class during graduate school. Being surrounded by a bunch of compassionate, helping people was an incredible experience. We led groups and participated. I distinctly remember one group did a session where another person had to write something (a few words) they felt/thought about the others; what they admired about them or what they liked about them. It is sad to say that this might be the first time in my life that I ever heard (or literally read them, but my inner voice heard them) kind words said to me and gave them merit. People had said them before, but I always thought they were just saying those things because they had to. But these were people that didn't know me that well and they were still able to tell me that I had some really good qualities. It was then that I felt like it was time to start challenging that little critic inside my head that made me feel so worthless all the time. But this is where it starts and the journey never really ends (in my opinion). And at that point when you can truly love yourself just the way you are, it takes so much pressure off.

I really feel that it is necessary to point out that loving who you are or what you look like doesn't mean that you just accept whatever you've been given. I mean, yes, there are some things that can't really be changed. Like for example, I can't change the way my knees are, or that my elbows look just like my mom's, or that my ankles (regardless of how fat or thin I am) are just cankles, etc etc. Accepting yourself doesn't mean settling. It means letting go of the things you cannot change and working on changing the things you can.

Lesson 2: Take the pressure off. 

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I was trying to hit the bulls-eye from 100 miles away when I had only just started shooting arrows. 

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Let me explain a little here. When I say this I mean that, for me, when I put pressure on myself to work out in order to lose weight or eat right in order to lose weight, I always failed. I pushed myself too hard, injured myself, and never made it to that point where I felt successful. I always gave up after a while. It was always a chore. It was not my motivator. It only increased my negative criticism and made me feel inadequate. So I decided one day to just stop. Being skinny could not be my goal if I was going to be successful. Instead I needed to do these things because I wanted to. Not that I don't want to lose weight. I definitely know that's something I want, but it just can't be the goal. Not for me.

For me "taking the pressure off" meant that I set my bar pretty low to start out. Why not? If I meet it, I raise it a little more, and so on and so on. I just continue to challenge myself to get to that next teeny bar. Achievable goals in a realistic amount of time. (Kind of like IEP goals! haha) I took the pressure off myself to run long distances, run fast, run harder, pound out that Insanity program, finish that T25 program, be perfect at yoga, etc etc etc. I lowered my expectations. I know this sounds exactly the opposite of what most people might tell you. "Aim high" is a pretty typical motivational approach. But aiming high doesn't work for me. It only works to make me feel like I just can't hit the mark. Probably because I put my aim way too high. I still have "aspirations", but I won't pressure myself to meet them in a way that makes what I am doing less satisfying.

Lesson 3: Find your "quit line(s)". 

This is the point in which your aspirations become cumbersome. My quit lines are probably completely ridiculous to other people, but I just went over how I do not care what other people think so... Some of my quit lines are things like not already being dressed to work out, having the bar set too high, working out for too long, and restricting myself. Let me explain them a little more. 

Dress for success!
Dressing to work out has been a HUGE motivator for me. I don't know if this would work for others, but it definitely works for me. If I plan to work out that day I get dressed in my work out clothes. If I'm not already dressed in my workout gear I will not change in order to work out. It's silly, and lazy, yes, but I am who I am and I know my limits. I am a bit lazy in some respects so I find a way to work around it. If I am already dressed and I don't feel like working out my inner voice says to me "Why not? You're already dressed for it. What have to got to lose now?" And it WORKS! Seriously. I tried a couple days of just getting dressed and thinking if I have time to work out today I will. I had time. I never did. So now I know that's a quit line for me. Get dressed for your goal!

Set the bar low.

Now I realize how terrible this might sound, but it makes sense for me. Too often I would have unrealistic expectations of myself. I wanted to be the best right off the start so I didn't have to suffer the humiliation that comes with the beginning weeks of starting a fitness routine. Being super slow, breathing heavily, not being able to go as long, not being able to bend into the poses, not having my body stretch as much as the instructor's, etc. etc. Those are all the things that I wanted to skip. But how silly of me was it to expect to be perfect without ever having practiced. I sit here trying to teach my son that you have to practice in order to get good at something, you have to keep trying, and yet my own personal expectation is unrealistic. So lower it. Put your goal in a place that you really feel is achievable in a reasonable amount of time. If that means your goal is to walk around the block at least once a week then great! Start small and work your way up. It doesn't matter what you are doing as long as you are doing something!

You gotta have goals, but make them realistic!
Workout when you can, but make an effort to work it in. It has to be on my mind to do it or at least be penciled in to my day. I also set a low goal to start with about frequency. I decided I would expect myself to do yoga at least once a week and run at least once a week. So far I have exceeded that goal every week. I set the bar low, then when I get to it, I can assess how I'm feeling and whether or not I feel like amping it up or not. Almost every time I get to that point and I ask myself "could I just do another or go a little farther this time?" and I feel like I can. It's so much more motivating than working myself to death then feeling like I didn't achieve anything. 

Make it short and sweet. I know myself enough to know (and just accept instead of trying to change it) that I simply cannot focus on a workout routine that lasts more than 45 minutes. I have tried and tried and I just cannot do it. Once I get past that 45 minute mark, my attention and focus deteriorate into irritation and anxiety. All I think about then is just being done with it, so my effort and focus go straight out the window. This is particularly targeting my yoga practice, but it would also apply to things like Insanity. 

Variety. I get bored SO easily with workout routines. And honestly, the only workout routine that I feel isn't torturing me is yoga. So as much as I just adore Shaun T, I can only do his workouts for so long before I begin to feel annoyed. And it's not about him at all! He's amazing. It's more about the inability to focus and that the routine begins to feel cumbersome. I started doing yoga mainly for my chronic lower back pain (thank you pregnancy for the everlasting gift of SI joint pain!). I subscribe to yogisanonymous which enables me to attend real life yoga classes by amazing instructors right in the comfort of my own home. There are hundreds of classes to choose from and they are easy to search through. I love being able to do a different practice each time or do the same practice over and over. It all depends on how I feel or what my inner voices need to hear. Whatever I do, I set myself up for success. I do what I know I want to do and will make me happy. So my variety is all the yoga workouts and running. 

Running is easy to put variety into also. I change my course all the time so I can see new things as I run. Being outside and moving is imperative. Running on a treadmill never worked for me. It became annoying to be moving, but not going anywhere. I like to be able to go places.

Do it because it feels good. Do it because you want to thank your body for being alive and giving itself to you each and every day. Do it because you want to live a long full life. Do it because you want your children to see the value in being healthy. I have found the kinds of work outs and routines that make me feel good. I get that high from it so it motivates me to want to do it again. I love it. I sleep better. I'm not insatiable all the time. I'm not tired all the time and grumpy. It just feels so damn good. 

Do it for yourself. Because you deserve it!! I have learned that when I do these things because someone tells me I should I am much less likely to do it. I don't need anyone bossing me around and telling me how to live my life and what's good for me!! I know what's good for me and I'll do it if I want to dammit! (haha I am very stubborn.) You could say I am oppositional. I don't like being told what to do or what I can't do. But even if you're not the stubborn and oppositional type, you still deserve it. 

Get a partner if you can! Having someone who both relies on you and encourages you is so motivating. My sister-in-law and I decided we were going to be each others partner. We decided to finally do a fun run together (Zombie Run is the first, but will not be the last!). Having this real goal in my face and having someone else rely on me to be there (as well as not wanting to humiliate myself by totally sucking balls) has been great for me. If I wake up not feeling like I want to run I remind myself that my sister is counting on me to run with her in a month not miles behind her. 

Moderation not Abstinence! Oh gosh this one is a big one for me. I was always pressured to stop eating this or that, cut back on this, eat more of that...blah blah blah. Abstinence does not work for me. When I cut things out of my life, like say sugar, completely it only makes the desire to have it a thousand times stronger. It breaks me, then I end up hiding in a corner scarfing down an entire bag of mellowcreme pumpkins (or something along those lines). Ok, yes, I admit, this probably means I am a sugar addict. Yes this is a real thing. Sugar is as addictive as cocaine (just google "research on sugar addiction", it will blow your mind). So...yep I am an addict. A sugar fiend. I freaking love sugar. I've tried to cut it out of my diet, but I always end up in a dark corner bingeing until my stomach aches and I can't move. It's disgusting. Humiliating. It's not something to be proud of. But I have come to accept that moderation works best for me (my husband and I disagree on this strongly). I know myself. I know what happens if I cut sugar out. I do much better at indulging myself in a reasonable way rather than doing the fast then binge routine. So yes, I consume sugar, and I am not going to stop. I'm just going to be responsible about it. That's just what works for me. 

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I've been practicing yoga regularly (at least 1 to 2 times a week and often more) for almost 4 months now. (update January 2017 - Now doing it 5 times a week) I am seeing progress in every way and yoga, for me, (sigh) it's just so incredibly therapeutic. Ally Hamilton was the first yoga instructor that ever really moved my heart during a yoga practice. My first time in Savasana with her, I wept. She spoke right to my heart. It moved me in a way I cannot describe. Ally has been an inspiration to me in countless ways. She is such an amazing person and I feel so lucky to live in an age where I have virtual access to her teaching. Yoga is more than just working out for me. It's a spiritual, emotional, and physical practice. It clears my mind, calms the storms inside me, and pulls my body around in relieving ways. It has almost completely cured my chronic back pain (which has been a huge motivator for me). And it just feels sooooooooo good! Seriously. I may be a little obsessed. But I suppose that's a good thing to get addicted to right?!

Running is also a love of mine. Running in the morning is my best time. I am not a morning person and I just hate getting up early, but I have found a method that works to get my lazy, grumpy booty out of bed. Running helps me clear my head, rid myself of excess negative emotion, and is just so cathartic. I've found my perfect fitness balance between yoga and running. This is my cocktail of self-love. 

So, no I'm not skinny. In fact I haven't lost a single pound since I started working out for real (meaning building into my life routine, not just doing it to lose weight) 3 months ago. It might be because I don't do it enough or push myself enough and I know I don't always eat healthy (although I do try to do this more often than not because it makes me feel like shit when I don't...like physically. It's crazy how your body changes when you stop eating shit all the time.) But quite frankly...I don't care about losing weight. I will certainly celebrate it if I do get all hot and sexy, but if it doesn't happen for me that's ok. Right now I am in a place where I like my body. It's not perfect, not thin, there are squishy spots and jiggles, I have huge thighs, and a giant ass. But I am not "fat", at least I don't think I am, although some people out there probably would consider me fat. But they can go ahead and think that because it really doesn't matter what they think. I look in the mirror now and my inner voice is honest, but kind. I don't delude myself. I'm not like a 300 pound woman walking around in a bikini expecting people to think I'm sexy. No. I am just an average size 7 woman and sometimes I rock a bikini because I want to...because I feel ok with it and comfortable in my skin for the first time in 25 years. So yeah, I'm gonna rock it with pride, stretch marks and all! And I couldn't care less what those snickering teenagers think or anyone else for that matter.

I hope that my words are an inspiration to someone out there. There are far too many people out there hating themselves. Far too many people who say things to themselves that they would never say to another human being. Why would you respect other people more than your own self?! That is just preposterous to me. I leave you with this...believe in yourself. Find your path and just take that first step. You can't go anywhere if you just stand still and hope change comes. It just doesn't work that way. Nothing that's worth having comes easy nor does it come without an ounce of effort. So go believe in yourself, fall in love with YOU!