Strength Grows in the Moments When You Think You Can't Go On But You Keep Going Anyway

Some people who are close and know me or have known me for years also know that I have struggled (like basically almost every single woman in the entire world) with my self-concept, self-perception, and weight. I am guilty of self-hate, self-deprecation, starvation, and fad diets. I spent many years looking at myself in the mirror and breaking down in tears because I hated everything about how I looked on the outside. And truthfully...there were a lot of things I hated about myself on the inside too. But the outside part...that's the part that faces you every day. And if your inner voice is saying awful things to you...it breaks you. It breaks you in so many ways.

Somewhere, somehow along the way I began to shed those cruel inner voices. I know it was a long process of changing my self-talk, challenging the lies those inner voices told me, and learning to love myself for exactly who I am. I could make quite a lengthy list of all the things I hated about myself. But to do such a thing would be counterproductive...because it just doesn't even matter anymore.

In addition to being my own cruelest critic I also constantly fretted over what other people thought of me. I was always distracted by the constant running inner dialogue. I missed out on so many awesome life experiences because I feared what kind of judgement I would get from other people about how I looked or how I performed.

I worked really hard for many years to change those voices inside my head. It wasn't easy, but I did it. It's really difficult to explain how, because, like I mentioned before, it was a very long process that took years. But at the beginning I just had to make the decision that I didn't want to hear those voices anymore. I wanted so badly to love myself and be who I really am. I wanted acceptance from me.

I'm not sharing this because I think I am better than anyone. I don't share what works for me because I expect others to do it too. I share my story with whomever wants to hear it because I hope that someone out there is inspired. That someone out there reads this and knows that it can get better. It is possible to learn to love yourself. It takes time, but it is possible.

This Is What I Have Learned

Lesson 1: Changing your inner voice is a very big challenge and sometimes it requires some support outside of yourself. 

For me, I think the pivotal moment was when I was in a group counseling class during graduate school. Being surrounded by a bunch of compassionate, helping people was an incredible experience. We led groups and participated. I distinctly remember one group did a session where another person had to write something (a few words) they felt/thought about the others; what they admired about them or what they liked about them. It is sad to say that this might be the first time in my life that I ever heard (or literally read them, but my inner voice heard them) kind words said to me and gave them merit. People had said them before, but I always thought they were just saying those things because they had to. But these were people that didn't know me that well and they were still able to tell me that I had some really good qualities. It was then that I felt like it was time to start challenging that little critic inside my head that made me feel so worthless all the time. But this is where it starts and the journey never really ends (in my opinion). And at that point when you can truly love yourself just the way you are, it takes so much pressure off.

I really feel that it is necessary to point out that loving who you are or what you look like doesn't mean that you just accept whatever you've been given. I mean, yes, there are some things that can't really be changed. Like for example, I can't change the way my knees are, or that my elbows look just like my mom's, or that my ankles (regardless of how fat or thin I am) are just cankles, etc etc. Accepting yourself doesn't mean settling. It means letting go of the things you cannot change and working on changing the things you can.

Lesson 2: Take the pressure off. 

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I was trying to hit the bulls-eye from 100 miles away when I had only just started shooting arrows. 

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Let me explain a little here. When I say this I mean that, for me, when I put pressure on myself to work out in order to lose weight or eat right in order to lose weight, I always failed. I pushed myself too hard, injured myself, and never made it to that point where I felt successful. I always gave up after a while. It was always a chore. It was not my motivator. It only increased my negative criticism and made me feel inadequate. So I decided one day to just stop. Being skinny could not be my goal if I was going to be successful. Instead I needed to do these things because I wanted to. Not that I don't want to lose weight. I definitely know that's something I want, but it just can't be the goal. Not for me.

For me "taking the pressure off" meant that I set my bar pretty low to start out. Why not? If I meet it, I raise it a little more, and so on and so on. I just continue to challenge myself to get to that next teeny bar. Achievable goals in a realistic amount of time. (Kind of like IEP goals! haha) I took the pressure off myself to run long distances, run fast, run harder, pound out that Insanity program, finish that T25 program, be perfect at yoga, etc etc etc. I lowered my expectations. I know this sounds exactly the opposite of what most people might tell you. "Aim high" is a pretty typical motivational approach. But aiming high doesn't work for me. It only works to make me feel like I just can't hit the mark. Probably because I put my aim way too high. I still have "aspirations", but I won't pressure myself to meet them in a way that makes what I am doing less satisfying.

Lesson 3: Find your "quit line(s)". 

This is the point in which your aspirations become cumbersome. My quit lines are probably completely ridiculous to other people, but I just went over how I do not care what other people think so... Some of my quit lines are things like not already being dressed to work out, having the bar set too high, working out for too long, and restricting myself. Let me explain them a little more. 

Dress for success!
Dressing to work out has been a HUGE motivator for me. I don't know if this would work for others, but it definitely works for me. If I plan to work out that day I get dressed in my work out clothes. If I'm not already dressed in my workout gear I will not change in order to work out. It's silly, and lazy, yes, but I am who I am and I know my limits. I am a bit lazy in some respects so I find a way to work around it. If I am already dressed and I don't feel like working out my inner voice says to me "Why not? You're already dressed for it. What have to got to lose now?" And it WORKS! Seriously. I tried a couple days of just getting dressed and thinking if I have time to work out today I will. I had time. I never did. So now I know that's a quit line for me. Get dressed for your goal!

Set the bar low.

Now I realize how terrible this might sound, but it makes sense for me. Too often I would have unrealistic expectations of myself. I wanted to be the best right off the start so I didn't have to suffer the humiliation that comes with the beginning weeks of starting a fitness routine. Being super slow, breathing heavily, not being able to go as long, not being able to bend into the poses, not having my body stretch as much as the instructor's, etc. etc. Those are all the things that I wanted to skip. But how silly of me was it to expect to be perfect without ever having practiced. I sit here trying to teach my son that you have to practice in order to get good at something, you have to keep trying, and yet my own personal expectation is unrealistic. So lower it. Put your goal in a place that you really feel is achievable in a reasonable amount of time. If that means your goal is to walk around the block at least once a week then great! Start small and work your way up. It doesn't matter what you are doing as long as you are doing something!

You gotta have goals, but make them realistic!
Workout when you can, but make an effort to work it in. It has to be on my mind to do it or at least be penciled in to my day. I also set a low goal to start with about frequency. I decided I would expect myself to do yoga at least once a week and run at least once a week. So far I have exceeded that goal every week. I set the bar low, then when I get to it, I can assess how I'm feeling and whether or not I feel like amping it up or not. Almost every time I get to that point and I ask myself "could I just do another or go a little farther this time?" and I feel like I can. It's so much more motivating than working myself to death then feeling like I didn't achieve anything. 

Make it short and sweet. I know myself enough to know (and just accept instead of trying to change it) that I simply cannot focus on a workout routine that lasts more than 45 minutes. I have tried and tried and I just cannot do it. Once I get past that 45 minute mark, my attention and focus deteriorate into irritation and anxiety. All I think about then is just being done with it, so my effort and focus go straight out the window. This is particularly targeting my yoga practice, but it would also apply to things like Insanity. 

Variety. I get bored SO easily with workout routines. And honestly, the only workout routine that I feel isn't torturing me is yoga. So as much as I just adore Shaun T, I can only do his workouts for so long before I begin to feel annoyed. And it's not about him at all! He's amazing. It's more about the inability to focus and that the routine begins to feel cumbersome. I started doing yoga mainly for my chronic lower back pain (thank you pregnancy for the everlasting gift of SI joint pain!). I subscribe to yogisanonymous which enables me to attend real life yoga classes by amazing instructors right in the comfort of my own home. There are hundreds of classes to choose from and they are easy to search through. I love being able to do a different practice each time or do the same practice over and over. It all depends on how I feel or what my inner voices need to hear. Whatever I do, I set myself up for success. I do what I know I want to do and will make me happy. So my variety is all the yoga workouts and running. 

Running is easy to put variety into also. I change my course all the time so I can see new things as I run. Being outside and moving is imperative. Running on a treadmill never worked for me. It became annoying to be moving, but not going anywhere. I like to be able to go places.

Do it because it feels good. Do it because you want to thank your body for being alive and giving itself to you each and every day. Do it because you want to live a long full life. Do it because you want your children to see the value in being healthy. I have found the kinds of work outs and routines that make me feel good. I get that high from it so it motivates me to want to do it again. I love it. I sleep better. I'm not insatiable all the time. I'm not tired all the time and grumpy. It just feels so damn good. 

Do it for yourself. Because you deserve it!! I have learned that when I do these things because someone tells me I should I am much less likely to do it. I don't need anyone bossing me around and telling me how to live my life and what's good for me!! I know what's good for me and I'll do it if I want to dammit! (haha I am very stubborn.) You could say I am oppositional. I don't like being told what to do or what I can't do. But even if you're not the stubborn and oppositional type, you still deserve it. 

Get a partner if you can! Having someone who both relies on you and encourages you is so motivating. My sister-in-law and I decided we were going to be each others partner. We decided to finally do a fun run together (Zombie Run is the first, but will not be the last!). Having this real goal in my face and having someone else rely on me to be there (as well as not wanting to humiliate myself by totally sucking balls) has been great for me. If I wake up not feeling like I want to run I remind myself that my sister is counting on me to run with her in a month not miles behind her. 

Moderation not Abstinence! Oh gosh this one is a big one for me. I was always pressured to stop eating this or that, cut back on this, eat more of that...blah blah blah. Abstinence does not work for me. When I cut things out of my life, like say sugar, completely it only makes the desire to have it a thousand times stronger. It breaks me, then I end up hiding in a corner scarfing down an entire bag of mellowcreme pumpkins (or something along those lines). Ok, yes, I admit, this probably means I am a sugar addict. Yes this is a real thing. Sugar is as addictive as cocaine (just google "research on sugar addiction", it will blow your mind). So...yep I am an addict. A sugar fiend. I freaking love sugar. I've tried to cut it out of my diet, but I always end up in a dark corner bingeing until my stomach aches and I can't move. It's disgusting. Humiliating. It's not something to be proud of. But I have come to accept that moderation works best for me (my husband and I disagree on this strongly). I know myself. I know what happens if I cut sugar out. I do much better at indulging myself in a reasonable way rather than doing the fast then binge routine. So yes, I consume sugar, and I am not going to stop. I'm just going to be responsible about it. That's just what works for me. 

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I've been practicing yoga regularly (at least 1 to 2 times a week and often more) for almost 4 months now. (update January 2017 - Now doing it 5 times a week) I am seeing progress in every way and yoga, for me, (sigh) it's just so incredibly therapeutic. Ally Hamilton was the first yoga instructor that ever really moved my heart during a yoga practice. My first time in Savasana with her, I wept. She spoke right to my heart. It moved me in a way I cannot describe. Ally has been an inspiration to me in countless ways. She is such an amazing person and I feel so lucky to live in an age where I have virtual access to her teaching. Yoga is more than just working out for me. It's a spiritual, emotional, and physical practice. It clears my mind, calms the storms inside me, and pulls my body around in relieving ways. It has almost completely cured my chronic back pain (which has been a huge motivator for me). And it just feels sooooooooo good! Seriously. I may be a little obsessed. But I suppose that's a good thing to get addicted to right?!

Running is also a love of mine. Running in the morning is my best time. I am not a morning person and I just hate getting up early, but I have found a method that works to get my lazy, grumpy booty out of bed. Running helps me clear my head, rid myself of excess negative emotion, and is just so cathartic. I've found my perfect fitness balance between yoga and running. This is my cocktail of self-love. 

So, no I'm not skinny. In fact I haven't lost a single pound since I started working out for real (meaning building into my life routine, not just doing it to lose weight) 3 months ago. It might be because I don't do it enough or push myself enough and I know I don't always eat healthy (although I do try to do this more often than not because it makes me feel like shit when I don't...like physically. It's crazy how your body changes when you stop eating shit all the time.) But quite frankly...I don't care about losing weight. I will certainly celebrate it if I do get all hot and sexy, but if it doesn't happen for me that's ok. Right now I am in a place where I like my body. It's not perfect, not thin, there are squishy spots and jiggles, I have huge thighs, and a giant ass. But I am not "fat", at least I don't think I am, although some people out there probably would consider me fat. But they can go ahead and think that because it really doesn't matter what they think. I look in the mirror now and my inner voice is honest, but kind. I don't delude myself. I'm not like a 300 pound woman walking around in a bikini expecting people to think I'm sexy. No. I am just an average size 7 woman and sometimes I rock a bikini because I want to...because I feel ok with it and comfortable in my skin for the first time in 25 years. So yeah, I'm gonna rock it with pride, stretch marks and all! And I couldn't care less what those snickering teenagers think or anyone else for that matter.

I hope that my words are an inspiration to someone out there. There are far too many people out there hating themselves. Far too many people who say things to themselves that they would never say to another human being. Why would you respect other people more than your own self?! That is just preposterous to me. I leave you with this...believe in yourself. Find your path and just take that first step. You can't go anywhere if you just stand still and hope change comes. It just doesn't work that way. Nothing that's worth having comes easy nor does it come without an ounce of effort. So go believe in yourself, fall in love with YOU!