Learning to socialize in the world of parents is not near as easy as I thought it would be. Now, when I say social I don't necessarily mean making new BFFs. Not at all. I am most certainly not one to develop deep and meaningful relationships quickly and easily. I am slow to trust, slow to open up, and a cautious person when it comes to relationship that go beyond the basic social interaction.
When I first started this SAHM job I was both nervous and excited about the prospects of socializing with other adults in the same phase of their life as I was. I have been lucky enough to connect with one fellow SAHM. And, honestly, I consider myself lucky to also not be wrapped up in a group of "mean moms". I have met them. I have tried to be kind and polite, but on the inside I am cursing them and their stuck up noses. I remind myself that they are probably mean because deep down they are unhappy or struggling with something. I try not to take it personally, even though there are times I probably should. But f*ck those bitches. I mean it. They are not worth the fretting over.
Making friends as a parent reminds me of being the new kid at school and it's lunchtime. There you are standing in your wildly colored jeans (standing out like a pink flamingo in a flock of ducks), slowly scanning the room for a safe place to land. Next to a kind face? All by yourself in that corner over there in hopes that no one sees you? Heaven forbid you be brave and just sit next to whoever you want to, risking deep cutting rejection.
As a parent, instead of the cafeteria, I'm standing in a room full of adults and children, all of which are either judging your parenting style/skills or not even acknowledging your existence. Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse. And it seems that almost all of the parents you encounter (often frequently if you are a SAHP who goes to all the local activities for little ones) have little to no desire to make any level of friendship or acquaintance let alone make small talk.
Recently, I had the "opportunity" to attend a parent/child class without my one mom friend. I dread going already, but I dreaded it even more knowing she wouldn't be there. Without her there though (and because the hubs was there too) I was able to observe things going on. I learned a few things from this observation opportunity:
1) Other parents are not paying any attention to me unless my kid is misbehaving, in which case all eyes are on us. It's difficult to decipher whether their looks are judgmental in a negative way or if they are just feeling sorry for me. And, naturally, I assume they are thinking I am a terrible parent because my child is not sitting perfectly and listening like their kids are.
2) Other parents are not at all interested in interacting on any level with the other parents at the activity. Some even go so far as to prevent their own child from interacting too much with other children or parents.
3) It's basically just a room full of parents playing with their own children.
4) Being completely ignored feels almost as insulting as being stared at. There was one point where the kids were supposed to bounce balloons up and down on a flay swatter (excellent idea for older kids...not so much for 1 to 3 year olds). The girl next to me kept hitting her balloon in my direction. It landed on my head at least twice. When this happened it was natural for me to turn and attempt a social interaction. In my mind I expected that I would turn, make brief eye contact with the mom retrieving the balloon from my side, and perhaps share a little laugh about being hit in the head with her daughter's balloon. Typically, there is what I refer to as the "laughing apology". This is the moment where your child does something like accidentally hitting someone in the head with a balloon then you make eye contact, laugh, say "haha I'm so sorry.", and the other parent laughs and says something like "That's ok." and sometimes we have a brief reciprocal conversation about how awesome and adorable our kids are. So that's how I imagined this situation to play out. I don't want to make a best buddy, but social interactions in passing are normal...right? What actually happened was that the mom rescued the balloon and pointedly avoided eye contact with me. There was no verbal interaction despite the fact that I turned, looked at her, and smiled. It was weird. I felt like I wanted to wave my hands in front of her face and say "Hey! Look at me! Look I exist and I am trying to have a human interaction! Hello!!"
Am I the only person here that thinks it's weird that all these kids and parents would be together doing something that is supposed to be social and interactive but only focus on interacting with their own? Like, what is the actual point of doing this sort of thing if you're not even going to use it to take advantage of an opportunity to talk to another adult for like 5 minutes?
Then there's the expectation that my child is there to socialize with other kids, yet every parent keeps their child within arms reach and interacts with them so the littles don't really get an opportunity to socialize with their peers. Some parents have even gone out of their way to redirect their child away from socializing with a peer and re-engage with them instead.
(The psychologist and lover of sociology in me wonders if this is how it's always been or if this is a symptom of our fear mongering society and constant bombardment with news about terrible things that happen to people...)
When I go to these things I imagine myself as more of a coach. I stand in the background, observe, and intervene when necessary. How else is my child going to learn how to be a social being? Then again, how is he going to learn to be a social being with all of his peers are afraid to socialize with new people?
Unless I suddenly develop telepathy, I'm probably not going to find the answers to my questions. I will remain perplexed. Until then, I will proceed with my social observation and intrigue.
No comments:
Post a Comment