Getting Older Can Offer So Many Opportunities To Free Yourself

Recently someone asked me my age and I literally forgot. I had to do the math. And I realized that I am going to be 34 this year. 34! 

My first thought was, "Well, shit." But this was quickly followed up with, "I thought I'd be old by now." There are most certainly times that I feel "old" in comparison to my almost 3-year-old boy with an endless abundance of energy (god I wish I could siphon that off him!) But in general, I am most definitely not feeling as old as I expected to feel when I was thinking about this at age 20. 30 was old to me then. 40 seems old to me now, but I'm only 6 years away from that number (insert choking sound). So maybe not really that old.

It freaks me out a little. My life is not the way I envisioned it when I was in my 20s. I figured I'd have had at least 2 kids before I was 30 (although I am super blessed to have my one who decided that age 30 was the perfect age to have my first baby). And even as I approached 30 I was so upset because I thought that was the beginning of the end. I thought my life was only downhill from there. But I can honestly say that I feel younger now than I did when I was 20.

It has taken me three decades to let go of my armor, to learn to love myself, to shed the terror of rejection, and become the person I am today. I feel that I'm finally really living life because I'm finally free of all the burdens that weighed me down, making me feel old, tired, sad, lonely, isolated...  Now don't get me wrong, I still feel all of those things from time to time. That's human and part of life too, but they aren't on top of me always anymore. This is what freedom really feels like, perhaps. It saddens me that I missed out on really living for so much of my life already. That's like a third of my life! Spent hating myself, feeling inadequate, insecure, alone, broken, tired, worried...

And in a couple days, my little baby is going to be three. I can envision in my mind what he'll become in the blink of an eye. And there will go another third of my life. Will I feel old then? I certainly hope not.