"The ultimate test of a moral society is the kind of world that it leaves to its children.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

This platform (my blog) is not typically used for politics. But recent events in our country have compelled me to share my feelings/opinions. All of this is also coming in a bit late. I've worked on this post for several days and contemplated deeply the potential repercussions I might face by making a public post like this.

I don't share these things because I think I'm special or that my stories are special, but because they are not special and not uncommon. That is why they are important. Also because people are dismissing the core issue here. It's not about politics anymore. It's about basic human decency.

Michelle Obama gave a speech talking about something that has now become more than  just a political focus, but has exploded into a test of our nation's morale compass: sexual assault. I tend to group this with sexual harassment and sexual abuse. To me, it's all the same thing. But I guess, by definition, it is all the same thing. It all elicits the same kind of emotion in a woman. It all cuts deeply in the same way.

I have been shaken to my core as well. A lot of what has shaken me is the realization that people around me, people I love dearly, people I care about, are saying deplorable things with regard to Trump's comment and the women coming out to share their story: Why now?, Why didn't they report it when it happened?, They probably deserved it, what were they wearing?, They are liars., We can't expect men to not do these things because all women are sexualized and objectified, therefore are basically just baiting these men, men are all pigs and it's common so what these women are reporting isn't that big of a deal....

Oh my goodness...where do I begin.

First off, let's get one thing very clear. Reporting any sort of sexual assault whether it be rape, molestation, sexual harassment, or anything related to this particular action of violating a person's private space without their permission is not easy. A quick and simple Google search will provide plenty of research-based evidence on this topic. Here...or here...or here...I could go on, but quite frankly, I don't believe the people that actually need to understand this sort of thing will even bother to try. They've already made up their minds whether it be an original thought in their mind or by media manipulation.

Much to my dismay, some women are still being fairly dismissive of this whole topic in general. This is mind boggling to me. Some women are saying that it's just the way things are, that men are all pigs and we just need to deal with it or stop sexualizing and objectifying ourselves. Or they are simply trying to make this solely about politics. But it is so much more than that at this point. Come on ladies! How can you devalue yourselves so much? Yes, I know it's a common thing, but that doesn't make it right! And to clump all men into this lump of being pigs is an insult to good men everywhere. Not all men are like this. It is not locker room talk! And it is not okay.

I even heard a woman on CNN last night say that these women should just get over it because it happened decades ago. Their voices are being dismissed because of timing by some.

Because of the way our society views this issue...because so many women believe that all men act this way and it's just "locker room talk" in the "boys club"...we, as victims, are automatically discredited from the very start. Before a word is uttered, the people around us have already judged us, the victim, as part of the problem. What we wore, how we acted, everything we did or didn't do becomes scrutinized. Somehow we become the ones under investigation. Suddenly our integrity is questioned even if we've always been a honorable person. As victims we have to weigh the risks of sharing our story or keeping silent. Will people hate us? Will our personal life be strung out on a line for all to see? Will we be fired? Will the perpetrator retaliate? What will this do to my family and their lives?

The words that came out of Donald Trump's mouth on that bus shook me to my core too. The implications of what he said and now the allegations going on now have cut me deeply. Not only because he has said and allegedly acted on these things, but also because of the response it has elicited from the people around me.

But all politics aside...this got me thinking about my stories. And being reminded that so many people out there still believe that I deserved it because I didn't say no, or I didn't stand up for myself, or I was dressed "too pretty", has really gotten to me.

My stories.

Yes, sadly, I have several as I am sure many other women out there do. Some women just brush them off as a normal part of life and others find it to be much more damaging. But I think all women know what it's like to be a woman to some extent.

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"We are acutely aware of our vulnerability. Aware that if he wanted to, that guy in the Home Depot parking lot could overpower us and do whatever he wants.

Guys, this is what it means to be a woman.

We are sexualized before we even understand what that means. We develop into women while our minds are still innocent. We get stares and comments before we can even drive. From adult men. We feel uncomfortable but don’t know what to do, so we go about our lives. We learn at an early age, that to confront every situation that makes us squirm is to possibly put ourselves in danger. We are aware that we are the smaller, physically weaker sex. That boys and men are capable of overpowering us if they choose to. So we minimize and we de-escalate.

So, the next time a woman talks about being cat-called and how it makes her uncomfortable, don’t dismiss her. Listen."

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My stories start early in my life. I was around 8 and my cousin "grabbed my p*****". We were down at the lake that my grandparents had in their gated community. No parents, just us kids. I vaguely remember us playing some sort of monster game and when the other kids were bored with it, my cousin and I were the only two still in the water, while the rest were up playing in the sand. Then it happened. It was so fast. I was shocked. I knew what was happening wasn't right, but I literally had no idea how to respond. I froze. He whispered something to me about "needing this" and I honestly don't remember the rest. I didn't tell my mother about what happened until I was 16. It haunted me all those years. Every time I wiped myself after I peed, I thought about it. I remembered. It cut again.

The second time I remember I was in junior high, I believe. My brother's friend grabbed my boob and I kicked him in the balls. I kicked him hard, wearing green Doc Martins boots. He called me a "f*ckin' b*tch" and went home. I got in trouble over that one. I got in trouble because I defended myself when a man encroached on my space and touched me in a placed that is supposed to be touched only if I permit it. Another cut.

Later in high school a friend of mine grabbed my boobs and I kicked him in the balls too. He promised to never do it again. We stayed friends. This memory really isn't so bad, but it is one of my many encounters of sexual violation.

I honestly can't even count the number of times I was inappropriately grabbed or spoken to while I was working at a waitress for several years through high school and some of college. Cut, cut, cut...

In college I dealt with professors staring at my chest blatantly while I attempted to ask them questions about class. One in particular, never actually looked me in the face for an entire semester. And this was a fall/winter semester so I wasn't scantily clad. Cut...

I have dealt with sexual harassment in the workplace on a number of occasions. None of those were a violation of my personal space, but they were equally distasteful. Cut, cut...

Those are my stories. Those are my scars. There aren't many (in my opinion there shouldn't be any at all). But so many people right now are out there justifying this behavior or being dismissive of it. So many people are out there doing exactly the thing that makes reporting it an aversive decision. Even saying that we should just get over it because it happened decades ago and I didn't report some of them. I did report being violated once when I was young (got in trouble) and another time when I was older (thank goodness I had good administration backing me. I did worry about retaliation though). And I will tell you...reporting it in the workplace was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Sad thing too, is that if he hadn't have made one of his staff come into my office sobbing over what he had just said to her (in front of students no less)...well I may have never reported it. Somehow for myself I felt like it was just something I had to deal with because I am a woman. But I couldn't allow a man who was someone's superior to continue to behave in such a manner. That was apparently where I had drawn the line. In retrospect I am seeing how completely screwed up that is. That man had absolutely no right to act that way in a professional setting and most definitely NOT in front of students.

And so many people are saying, including people I know well and love, that somehow or another, all of these experiences were apparently my fault. I mean they don't come right out and say those words exactly, but the implication is there in how they are responding to this discussion topic of sexual assault. As I have mentioned before, many are dismissive of this because it's so close to the election, because the women didn't report it when it happened, because they weren't pretty enough to be sexually assaulted, because they must be wanting fame or money, because they are dressing too provocatively, because they didn't say 'no',....and on and on. These are the words they are using to say that sexual assault is somehow an acceptable behavior or that it's the fault of the victim.

I would really like to know, at what point does it become my fault that these things happened? Was it when I was a little girl and didn't say 'no' or smack my cousin in the face? I was wearing a bathing suit, I guess, so maybe that was part of why it was my fault. I was dressed too provocatively. [sarcasm]

Or maybe it became my fault when I was in junior high and, as most adolescents do, I was dressing provocatively to get attention from the boys. I mean, I'll admit that part. When I was a teenager I was obsessed with boys. I'm pretty sure that it's common knowledge that teenagers are obsessed with whomever they are sexually attracted to. The ultimate goal for me was to have a boyfriend. The ultimate goal for most boys was to get laid. But, I was unfortunate in my looks and ability to apply makeup, do hair, or match clothing. So as much as I tried to get attention from the boys...it didn't work all that well for me. So I don't know, you tell me. Was this when it became my fault? I guess I didn't disclaim to every male I encountered that I was not interested in sex with them or having them touch my privates. Maybe that's what I did wrong. (I wonder where to buy those signs...)

Oh wait, I know, it became my fault when I started actually figuring out how to look pretty and I was a waitress. So, a moderately pretty girl is a waitress and now I've done it. This must have been where I just started tempting the men folk so much that they were compelled to grab my ass or make lewd comments. I guess I didn't wear that sign around my neck telling all the men that 'No' I don't want them to touch or grab my ass. I suppose the signals I was sending were "foggy". So it must have been my fault then.

I guess I forgot to wear my 'No!' sign when I became a professional working in education too, so it was definitely my fault when I dressed too nicely and had to treat everyone kindly because I was in a position of authority (sort of). So I guess that must have been when the man thought I gave him permission to speak lewdly to me, about me, and to ask me perverted questions when I am trying to just do my job. And I'm sure the other lady who was victimized also asked for it somehow [sarcasm]. (I really need to know where I can buy one of these signs!)

So there it is. All of my experiences, that my memory hasn't blocked out, of sexual violation and harassment. Most of my life I have been told that these were things that shouldn't happen. I was told that people aren't supposed to be able to treat me in such a way. I was told that men/boys weren't supposed to touch my vagina, butt, or breasts without my explicit permission. But they did. Sometimes I fought back. Sometimes I just shut down. And I am always wondering why. Why did these things that are not supposed to happen, happen so many times? Anyone paying attention to the outrage over Donald Trump's comments about women on that bus will have an opinion on how to answer that question. I have my own. I do not think it was my fault. And I don't think this should be happening so often to so many women.

I also think it is important to praise and commend those who are brave enough to share their story. Not because the perpetrator will be punished (although in some cases that would be appropriate), but to shed light on an underlying darkness in our society that we have been working to leave behind for many years. And thankfully, we have come a long way. If this sort of thing happened 20, 30, plus years ago, I don't think as many people would be outraged like they are today. So this is a good thing because it proves that our society has progressed, albeit slowly, to a place where every human is respected. So, at least there is a bit of a silver lining in this dark cloud. And I hope this will progress in the right direction, and I think it will, because even though there are a number of people out there perpetuating the darkness that our society has held onto for so long, there are an equal number or even a greater number of men and women out there making it clear that this behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

Even before this Trump stuff came out, I was complaining about how I practically couldn't go anywhere outside without being cat-called. Those don't necessarily traumatize me, but I do find it annoying. It's just so degrading and disrespectful. Especially when I am with my son. I mean, come on guys. Have some respect. I don't expect guys to not have feelings. Even I appreciate the half naked college guys that run past my house. But I don't sit out on my porch and whistle at them. I don't comment on their looks. I don't permit myself to go grab their junk or sexually assault them because they are dressed (or not so dressed) provocatively. So, why is it somehow acceptable for me to be subjected to it? And not only that, but I'm expected to be flattered. I'm not.

I've said a lot here. I shared my stories. I shared my opinions. All of these things are now open to judgement and ridicule. I get that. But I have to share. I cannot stay silent. I share this because little girls out there should know that just because the women in their lives have these stories, it doesn't make it right. I share this because little girls everywhere are wondering how the adults are going to play this one out. They are waiting to hear your definitive answer regarding whether this behavior is socially acceptable or not. They are waiting to find out if their parents are going to believe their story when/if it happens to them. They are waiting to find out if they should even bother to share a story. they already have. They are waiting to hear if the adults around them are going to dismiss their cuts or help them heal. Will they be believed? Will they matter?

We, as women, need to let our young women and men know that sexual assault is not acceptable and not "just something that happens". We, as parents, have an obligation to help our kids make the future of our society a better one. This is not the time to be silent. It's not about politics anymore. It's about the morale compass of our nation.