To Procreate Again or Not To Procreate Again? That Is The Question.

It wasn't until my son, who just turned 3, started to look like a boy instead of a baby that I started feeling the pangs of instinct once again. I always wanted to have at least 2 children. My life plan required that they be born somewhere between when I was 25 to 28. Of course, as we all know with life plans, this isn't the way it happened. I was late in the game of maturing enough to feel like I was going to be capable of caring for another human life. I also had a lot of expenses after grad school. I wasn't ready. When I was finally ready it took a while for me to get pregnant.

I was 30. It was December. I was late. But my period, or what I thought to be my period, came with a vengeance. I was devastated. I wanted so badly to at least have one child before 30. Thirty seemed so late to start a family. But when I finally got there and still hadn't gotten pregnant, I was crushed. 

The next month I again came late. This time we had some positive pregnancy tests, but they turned out to be expired so we didn't trust them. We got some new ones and confirmed that we were in fact pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the way I felt in that moment. A combination of pure joy and utter terror would put it mildly. My life plan was already out the window by this time. The new plan had me starting my family at age 30. Five more years of 'safe' pregnancies possible now....yikes. 

It's been 3 years now since my son was born. He's been a blessing. And although there are times I want to rip my hair out, I love him so much it hurts sometimes. He is my boy. I made him. I stare at him with awe sometimes, especially when he's sleeping. And now he's starting to look like a boy instead of a baby. He's leaning up, stretching out, and wearing underpants now. He's not a baby anymore. Cue uterus thump. 

I didn't want any more ever since he was born. I was pretty firm on this to the disapproval of several family members. But about three quarters of the way through age 2 I started to think about it. I think about whether he would be upset with me for not at least trying to give him a sibling. I know my siblings are so special to me and I can't even imagine my life without them. Am I denying my son that kind of love? Then I talk to people who grew up as an only child and they say they loved being the only one. 

Then there's the grandparents. I see my son with his Grams and Gramps and just how much he adores them and they adore him. I am so thankful I was able to give them that experience in their life. And sometimes I feel like I should have another baby for them (because the likelihood of any of their other children to produce grandbabies is looking pretty slim at this point...at least anytime in the near future. And when/if they do, my son will be too old to connect with them very well.). And I know my brothers and sister-in-law would love to have more littles around too.

Splitting attention between two children also seems to be a daunting task. I don't know how my son would adjust to losing the attention he already gets (and doesn't think it's enough). Having to keep track of multiple children by myself in a park or a store sounds terrifying.

Financially it definitely would not work. We can barely afford what family we have already created. We live a comfortable life, but if we had another child, things would become much more stressed. I also would have to continue my leave of absence from my job as a school psychologist for another 3 to 4 years, then putting me about 5 or 6 years out of practice. And that's only if I got pregnant before I went back to work. I couldn't even consider having one if I started a new job. I couldn't do that to an employer...well I could technically, yes, but it would not reflect well on my professional life. That's just the way things are as a woman. In my kind of position, a woman is less likely to be hired if she is pregnant. And less likely to be retained if she becomes pregnant immediately after having been hired. Regardless of how good she is at her job, it's a great inconvenience to have someone be gone for 12 weeks. 

When I really sit down and think about why I want another child so badly right now I find that it is instinct and the sibling thing. Almost everything else makes it seem less appealing - lack of sleep, losing freedom again for another 3 years, going through another c-section, not being as lucky with the second one and having a difficult baby (mine was pretty easy for the most part), dealing with GD again and potentially developing Type II diabetes as a result of a second pregnancy with GD, having a small house with literally no space for another human to live in, and the list goes on. So making a pros and cons list would clearly indicate that "No, we should not have another child."

And then there's the husband factor too. Obviously we both have to be on the same page about this one. We never want a baby at the same time. At this point he's a pretty firm "No". And that's ok. I'm not mad about it. I respect him and I respect why he feels that way. And I most certainly wouldn't want an issue like that to come between us, especially since we already have at least one really amazing little kid in our life. 

It is not an easy decision to make to say no to having more. Our son will be judged as an only child if he ends up that way. We will be judged as parents for anything our son does wrong because he's an only child. We will face our challenges. He might resent not having siblings. He might not.

I feel like this conflict will rage on inside me for a while. I feel like I'm straddling a fence with both halves of me equally split between a 'no' and a 'yes'. This fence is really uncomfortable.