I hate to admit it...but I have "that kid". At least in a structured setting surrounded by peers I have "that kid". You know, the one kid who has difficulty sitting still and listening to directions. Mine is the one running circles around the instructor trying to engage in play with his peers who are all sitting there so nicely with their parents, listening and following directions. Mine is the one running up to the instructor and trying to get her attention so she will play with him right in the middle of her trying to tell everyone else what we are doing. Mine is the one that runs up to the front so he can point at pictures in the story and engage with it more directly. And I am the mom facepalming.
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| Yep, that's right. Even Wonder Woman has her moments. |
I am proud of my decreased self-consciousness in other aspects of my life, but when it comes to being surrounded by other kids and parents...oh. my. god. I am seriously a nervous wreck. I can just feel their judgmental eyes burning into me and I just want to grab my son and run like hell. I feel like they're all judging me because I'm the parent with the kid who is running around like a wild animal. Humiliated by having to get up in front of everyone to snag him and drag him back over to my lap. And they're judging my son as he turns around and smiles at me instead of obeying me immediately.
This scene is exactly why I avoid structured activities! But I know that I shouldn't do that just because it is an awful experience for me. My son deserves a chance to experience different things...right? (Can there seriously just be a manual that tells me exactly what I need to do to raise my kid perfectly!?!?!)
Our first experience with the structured activities was at library story time. It took us about 4 visits before he finally at least sat with me or near me instead of standing up by the lady reading. He never sits still. He doesn't even sleep still. (I hope he has good teachers when he goes to school!! He's a mover!)
Last night we started on our second very structured community activity...our first "Move it" class. This is a parent-child activity put on by our local parks & rec where they do a variety of song/dance, listening/following directions games, and motor games. In general, the girls who instructed us did a fabulous job. It was complete pandemonium in there with all those littles plus their parents (hovering over them everywhere they went...honestly I would have preferred to be an observer rather than a participant...let someone else be in charge of my child for an hour please!!), but the ladies did a wonderful job.
It was...
an experience.
Personally, I hated it. Goofy songs I don't know with goofy actions that made me feel silly (mostly because I didn't know any of them so I looked like an octopus trying to tap dance). Normally I have no problem being goofy with kiddos, but only when I already know what I'm doing (yes I am a perfectionist). (I was also going into this expecting it to be more fitness related than just random activities. I was very thankful that one of my mom friends was there with me. I would have hated it WAY more without her there. She's one of the reasons I feel I can't bail on this adventure)
Then the activities begin...
My son (exactly like he did the first couple times we went to story time at the library) was the only kid having trouble sitting, listening, and following directions by the instructors. When he's around peers he just wants to play. He doesn't want to sit around and listen to directions on what to do, he wants to get in there and just do it. He's all action (maybe a visual learner like his mother? Possibly.). And it wasn't until about halfway through that he started to get into the activities (of course as soon as he figured it out they would change activities which also frustrated him), finally understanding that they are short and the next one will be introduced as soon as the last one is finished. He did ok the rest of the time. He really seemed to enjoy the time and cried a little when it was time to leave. Honestly, I think he most loved the running activities and the time after when most of the kids had left and there was just him, a few littles, and a giant floor of mats. He loved the instructors and being able to play with his BFF. So, in the end I think he had a good time.
But I couldn't help but feel regret as we left. Avoiding any eye contact from the (perceived) judging eyes surrounding me. I couldn't help but feel like trying this structured activity was a mistake (the same feelings I had with story time at the library). I couldn't help but feel like I put my son in a position to be judged negatively, to be embarrassed, to be humiliated.
Sometimes I really hate having to expose him to the real world. It's so cold and cruel. Some parents (as I am beginning to learn) seem to be about as juvenile as actual juveniles. And if they don't like me for whatever reason or they think negative things about my son, they won't allow their children to make their own friend. But he seemed to enjoy it. And I know that I shouldn't keep him from new experiences just because it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable.
I've asked myself why this situation bothers me more than other situations. It's not just about me looking foolish because I don't know the song and dance, but because my job as a mom is being evaluated based on my son's behavior. And not only that, but my parenting skills influence how other people will judge or regard him. That's the part that really breaks my heart. He is such an awesome kid (and I am not just saying this because he's mine). He is kind and thoughtful. He is rowdy, but not out of control. He is very well behaved most of the time. But when he's not being well behaved...that's when the judging eyes come out. And I really don't care (on some level) that people judge me. Haters are gonna hate, right? Right. But when it impacts my child. That's when it really hurts. When he is punished for my failures or the choices I have made for him as a parent, that's when it bothers me.
I don't have him go to a lot of structured activities. I really try not to overbook him. We pepper the weeks with attending about one very structured activity per week. He's 3. Neither one of us want to participate in more than one time a week. We would both hate it. But I know he needs it because otherwise he's going to be "that kid" when he goes to preschool. So perhaps I don't do it enough and there's my failure. But I know that he would rather be playing with creative freedom. I know that he would rather be up in front helping to tell the story rather than sit and listen. I know that he would rather run in circles than play simon says. So am I wrong to give him a life that makes him happy during his formative years. Am I wrong to not be providing him with a more preschool-like setting at home every day? We do a structured morning routine complete with learning activities, but this whole scenario only takes us about 45 minutes, sometimes less. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong... Maybe not...
Judging from our library story time experience, there is hope that he will figure it out after going a few more times. Or maybe he won't because this sort of thing just isn't for him. I guess we will figure it out as we go! Wish us luck!
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