For Me It Wasn't JUST a 5k

So I wrote a whole big post about this and somehow my cache didn't work so I lost everything. Therefore, I sit and write again for those who are interested in reading. Maybe it was fate. My entry was half-assed, I'll admit. I have been absent from the blogosphere for a while. Depression has crept back in and I am working on trying to figure out why. I have been uninspired.

I think my nutrients are off because of my new diet annnnnd well, I hate to admit it but I have fallen back to bad habits of not eating at all. I've been kind of a wreck inside lately. Mainly because I work out every fucking day and see almost no results. So I change my diet (temporary Keto then low carb after). And still, nothing. So nevertheless I fell into not eating again. It's hard when I'm just not ever hungry. Nothing sounds good when you aren't hungry. And I haven't been hungry because I'm in ketosis. So, I just gotta feed myself when I need it and I haven't been doing that.

But here's the real deal for this post. I ran my very first legit 5k. And regardless of the naysayers (yes I'm still a bit butthurt from that lady at the fitness center who scoffed at my just a 5k) I fucking did it. And I worked hard for this. I pushed myself. I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from that little gray cloud of depression that tends to lurk in the shadows. Probably true to some extent actually. And lately, I've been working out harder and running more because I am feeling it creep back a little.

The feeling at the end of the run was something I may have trouble describing. I felt a rush of emotion. I was a bit surprised at myself. I have always been the type of person that gives up pretty easily when it comes to physical struggles. I've ridden the roller coaster of weight loss my whole life. But this time I didn't give up. I knew I'd be slow, but that's not what's important to me. The important thing is that I set a goal to do this thing and I did it!

If you notice, I didn't wear the t-shirt that came with the run. It was important to me, for my first 5k, can. I have been persisting for quite some time. I wouldn't be where I am in life today at all if I had believed those people. And that is what it meant to me. I did something important that some people didn't think I could. I wanted to have something special, so I had a custom tank made at a local business that read "Nevertheless, she persisted". (Thanks 24hr Tees!) Now, I am fully aware of the political meaning behind this phrase and it is perfectly appropriate for this occasion. As a woman, it's perfectly appropriate for any occasion where a woman rises above and challenges society's view of women. But it also meant more to me than just that. This phrase resonates with me because as I run I carry the weight of my past. I hear the echoes of people in my head who didn't believe in me and said I can't do things. I fuel myself on proving to them and myself that I can.

Some of the reason behind my persistence was proving to others that I could do it. But I was also trying to prove it to myself. I did this for me. I did this because I love running. I love pushing myself. I love the feeling of accomplishing something awesome. I run for my life. I run for me. I run because I love running and I love myself. This is the one body I will have for this life and I want to treat it well. I deserve that much. I deserve to feel amazing and strong.

I'd also add that part of this experience was enhanced by the fact that my sister-in-law did it with me. She is such an incredible woman. She has had my back no matter what. She cheers me on, pushes me, and loves me unconditionally. She's the best kind of running partner. I love her so much more than words are able to express and am deeply grateful that I was able to share this experience with her. The first of many!!

So onward I go. Another 5k in June and August. Zombie run in October. And that might be it for me this year. Next year I aim to do the Warrior Dash and a few others probably. This little "hobby" of mine is probably here to stay. I will keep running as long as I am able. I won't quit. I will persist.

This Crazy Keto Diet

This diet has been surprisingly easy. At first, it was a challenge. Going through carb withdrawals was hard. I wanted to eat ALL the easter candy. I wanted to eat the fruit! I still want all the fruit, but the rest has become kind of meh.

I allowed myself a break for the Easter holiday and it took me a week to get back in ketosis. I indulged slightly in refined sugars and homemade goodies. What I discovered is that my palette has changed. The refined sugars that my brain kept telling me were so good and that I just had to have, didn't taste as good anymore. I used to have to have sugar in my green tea, and now I don't need any sweeteners at all. Even Stevia is a bit too sweet for me anymore and I am working on reducing that in my bulletproof coffee for the day as well. (Plus artificial sweeteners with no calories just make me a little nervous to be consuming a lot of.)

Fruits have become my candy. I would choose that over a chocolate Cadbury egg any day! And actually, when I allowed myself the cheat day, I mostly ate grapes. They were so good!! At the same time, my tummy has shrunk so my indulgence was kept to a decently moderate level. I was prepared to indulge till I bloated. That's what I would typically do. But this time I didn't I hate that feeling enough to not want to go there if I can control it. And it seems that since I have cleansed my palette in a way, it is easier to do that.

I am more satiated when I need to be and not freaking starving all the time. Seriously, when I was scarfing down carbs (including fruits) I never felt full. I was eating all the time. I didn't really even mean to, I was just hungry all the time. And I hate being hungry.

Bulletproof coffee is the shit. OMG I never imagine a drink concoction would be so delicious! And it keeps me feeling full for most of the day. I get the caffeine boost I need plus the fats to make me feel full and satiated. It's amazing.

I actually feel more in tune with what my body is trying to tell me now. Now that I'm not thinking I need to eat constantly I am better able to attend to thirst. I crave nutritious foods. I crave meat. I drink more water. I feel less bloated. I feel more energized.

I haven't lost much weight yet. The initial 8 pounds I thought I lost seems to have possibly been a scale fail. So I have potentially only lost 3 pounds so far. But even though the scale says I haven't lost much weight, I know I've lost something because my clothes are less tight and my tummy is way less bloated. I look in the mirror and I see change. That's really the main thing that means something to me. Scales are evil.

But I am so far doing pretty well with this process. We will see how far I can take it!