When I was pregnant I had visions of what it would be like to be a mom, not only as a mom to my child but also entering a new social group. The mom club! I envisioned lots of great mom friends where all our kids are good buddies and we are always there for each other to relate or relax. I envisioned walks with strollers and long chats. I envisioned girl's nights out with just a sprinkle of rowdy and deep conversation. But that is most certainly not the reality I discovered.We moved back to our home state when my son was about 1. Returning to our college town did not automatically come with built-in friendships. Most of my college friends had moved to other areas of the country and other phases of life. I had one that remained, but our values had drifted pretty far from where they were when we knew each other "back in the day" so our pseudo-friendship quickly faded into no friendship at all.
Luckily, I had the idea to create a group on Facebook for local stay-at-home parents. A place to share events and meet new people when possible. I've tried to do a few meetups within this group but typically very few show up so I've kind of slacked on setting those up. Just doesn't seem worth my time and the stress of it if only two people are going to show. But I did find my very first mom friend through the group. She has pretty much remained my only real mom friend in town. Like more than just the occasional bump-in and small talk. We've actually gone out on sans-kid mom dates!! I adore her. She's so different than me in a lot of ways, but seems to embrace our differences without question. She's one of the kindest people I know. Her heart is so good and loving. She is a fantastic mom to an adorable little firecracker girl. I admire her faith even though I am not a religious person. And I love to be with her whenever I am able. She's pretty great. I feel like I got pretty lucky with her.
As I had continued this SAHM thing I did make attempts to befriend other moms that I frequently bumped into. But they weren't having it. If you have never heard of "mean moms" or "mom cliques" they are real and super yucky. It's like a time travel to junior high. And for a time, I was upset about this. Why would they not even be nice enough to say hello to me? I'm a pretty okay gal, I think. Then I realized that it's not me, it's them. They are whatever they are. I don't know them enough to even accurately psycho-analyze them and their lack of basic social friendliness. And quite frankly, I don't care. They seem unpleasant and unhappy. Why would I even want to be their friend? So I let that shit go and embraced the blessings I already had.
I also decided to let it be; not trying so hard to find a buddy. If I am meant to find new friends along the way then it will happen. I just have to chill and let life do its thing. Enjoy it and be open to new people.
I'll admit, that is a hard thing to just be chill with. Motherhood, especially when you are a SAHM can be quite lonely. I am a semi-social person (meaning I love being a homebody but also love a little girl time now and then, but there is a line where I become more reclusive if I've had too much social time). I need human connection though. I mean, yes, my 3-year-old son is a human, but I mean like grown-up female humans. So, naturally, there are times that I find myself longing for that one really special mom-friend. The one that probably only exists in my dreams. The one that I can have deep, meaningful, philosophical conversation with, but who will also be totally cool wrapping things up early so we can sleep. The one who might have a glass of wine with me in the middle of the day, during a play date, just because it's probably the only time we will get to see each other and sometimes it's nice to just chill and have a drink. The one who will come into my home and never judge the mess, never judge me, and just be there. The one who will be there for me emotionally if something goes wrong in life (and visa versa). A friendship beyond conversations about our children or the weather.
And I haven't quite found that yet. But thankfully, I have various versions of that. I am so grateful for them, and I love each of them dearly. So far I can count two: A really awesome local mom-bestie who rocks and a long-standing forever-friend, but we don't get to see each other often because we live pretty far apart and she has 4 kids. I am certainly open to new connections.
That leads me to my advice on how to meet new mom friends. To me, it's pretty simple. Go places and just be real. I find that too many moms feel like they have to put on this fancy front. Like they have to appear perfect or some bullshit, but we all know we're all a hot mess in one way or another. That's just the human condition, and being a parent just makes it that much crazier. And starting any new relationship, even a mom-friend relationship, can be as stressful as you make it out to be. I used to be a pleaser so I would often do things that I didn't really want to do because I wanted people to like me. But that is a tangled web to weave and sets up expectations that later on I may have to explain aren't really me. It's better to just be up front from the very start about what you should expect when you become my friend.
So, I don't pretend. I am just me. The version of me you bump into at the children's museum is pretty much the same one you'll get when/if we have a play date at my house or a cafe. I don't play games. I don't pretend. Life is too short for games. If you don't like me as I am, then that is perfectly cool with me. I'm not perfect and neither are you and we don't have to be friends if that's what you're expectations are. But I am not going to put on a show or pretend like I'm something greater than I really am. Nope. I'm a hot mess and that's just life. Take it or leave it. And if we connect, then that is awesome! Lucky us! Let's have some Chai, a play date or three, get to know one another. Because when you have the opportunity to connect with another human on a real level as a SAHM it's truly a blessing.
So get out there. Be chill. Be you. And I promise you, you'll find someone.
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