This is the Face of Depression

Recently, I read an article (probably on scary mommy...) about a post that a girl made regarding selfies of her before she tried to commit suicide. I thought to myself, "Oh sure,  can relate to that."

But then I recently posted a "happy birthday" post for my mom on FB, and I posted this photo along with it:

Don't I look so happy?! Well, looks are most certainly deceiving here. I had to muster up this smile with all my might. I was working diligently to cover up the darkness that consumed me. I didn't want anyone to know what I was struggling with. But on this day, I hit my lowest low (well low to me). I yelled at my nephew because he put too much water in my potted plant. I lost it. I really completely and utterly lost it. And the moment it happened I knew what I had done was so wrong. I felt awful. Even worse because my pain had caused pain for someone else I love dearly.

But at the same time, this was the moment when it showed. So, my brother and sister-in-law reached out to me. And for once I was grateful. I've always been the "I have to take care of it myself" kind of person. I help others, but others don't help me. I'm a helper, not a helpee! And the utterly petrifying fear that my loved ones would reject me because of my battle with depression was completely wrong. They didn't even make it a thing. They forgave me for what I had done and were there for me when I needed it the most. In fact, I think it brought us even closer together.

Depression has a face, but it's not always the face you expect. You can't just look at a person and see their inner pain. You can't see their thoughts of ending it all. You can't feel the pain they feel every single day. It's super messed up, I know. Depression is weird. And to those who have never been in the depths of the deep dark, well, I'm afraid you just cannot truly understand it. You can try, but you really just can't. You can be empathetic, supportive, unconditionally loving, but you won't ever really be able to feel the utter helplessness and crumbling soul that is depression. It can make the most beautiful and wonderful people decide to end their own lives because it's just too much.

Depression has a face. It could be anyone's face. And not one of them are lesser beings because of it. It hurts in so many ways it's almost unfathomable.

So, just be there. Be loving. Don't judge. Just hold them. Listen. We need others. In the dark deep solitude we will wither and fade without someone to help pull us out. And for those who are struggling...get help! The people who surround you in love will be there.