This My Why

One of my biggest obstacles to finding myself and loving myself has been the fact that for much of my life I've done it

for the approval of others. Somehow I came to believe that other people's opinions of me were what validated my efforts and my existence. And failure after failure I just didn't get it.

I really can't directly pinpoint when my bulb finally lit up, but I think it was around the time that I became a mom.

I think when someone becomes a mom for the first time, they either fall in love with their incredible body and all it has done

or they hate it and begin to plan how they're going to lose that baby weight. For me personally, it was love.

When I was pregnant, my favorite thing about being pregnant was to actually be able to walk around not constantly trying to hold in my gut. I could just let it go and it was ok for me to look fat because I was pregnant. It was such a relief! All along the entire pregnancy, I was just amazed at what my body is capable of. And this tiny creature who depended on me for survival loved me without condition. My husband equally made me feel like I was amazing and beautiful no matter what. And although he'd still love me at 198lbs, I personally didn't want to be that size.

Being so heavy was a strain on my physical and mental wellbeing. Yoga was my first taste of my new lifestyle. Then I began running and lifting. All of these things, in combination with a multitude of other coping mechanisms, are what saves me from the dark deep.

It took me 4 years to "lose the baby weight" physically. But the weight of self-hatred was a lifelong battle. I love finally feeling good about myself. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from my soul. I can just be free to be myself and look however I want that makes me feel beautiful to ME.

I work out often, eat sort of healthy, and do things for me because I feel like I deserve it. I deserve to feel strong. I deserve to feel awesome about myself. I deserve happiness. And happiness doesn't come easily. I really have to work at it sometimes.

So, if you ever wonder if that hot chick at the gym is working out because she wants your approval or attention, well chances are she isn't. She doesn't care what you think of her because she's focused on that next push. She's doing it for herself. Not for you.