It's important to mention that I am an emotional mirror. I tend to be a sponge when it comes to taking on other people's feelings and this includes artificial emotions as portrayed by actors in a movie or series. In the past, when I am already depressed, I have had the tendency to watch depressing shows or movies. Misery loves company I guess. In the throws of depression it's hard not to wallow. Watching happy things doesn't sponge as well. It usually just makes me feel worse because it reminds me that I have no real reasons to feel so dark inside. But that's depression. Anyway, I'd been in a pretty good place. Then a few things happened. I started a new diet (Keto) so going through carbs withdrawals was challenging, as well as learning where to get needed nutrient from sources other than fruit, my mom came to visit (I love her but that is always super stressful for me for multiple reasons that I won't share publicly because I'm not going to do that to her), and then I binge-watched 13 Reasons Why.
If you haven't heard of this show yet, 13 Reasons Why is a Netflix original show about a teenage girl who commits suicide then leaves a series of tapes explaining what people and experiences led her to making the decision to end her life. It includes a fairly graphic scene of her committing suicide.
I watched it because I work in the field of psychology (well when I'm not a SAHM that is). The field of psychology was going on and on and on about the controversial aspects of this show. Lots of people had been talking about it. I felt that it was important for me to watch it firsthand so I knew why there was so much talk.
In retrospect, it might not have been the best choice for me to watch it, however, if I had not, I may not have discovered a potential trigger. I was in a pretty good place before I started watching this show. As I continued to watch it, I seemed to spiral down. Clearly, there could be many potential variables here, but I really believe this might have been one of them. The suicide scene in particular sent shivers into my soul. The actress did a fantastic job acting out what a person might actually go through during those moments. The sobbing, heavy breathing, the letting go, the utter emptiness in her eyes. It was a bit scary because I have been in that moment before. That moment right before you do something that could either kill you or change your life forever. It's a very scary place to be. And as she slit her arms and bled out, my heart sank. As her mother found her in a tub full of water and blood, my heart broke. I imagine what it would be like to find my own child in that state. There aren't words. The level of devestation for all parties is quite indescribable. And it was at that point that I almost stopped watching. It bothered me a lot. I couldn't get the image out of my head, the sound of her quick breaths as she sliced through her own flesh and lay there slowing fading away. But for some idiot reason I thought I needed to have knowledge of this so I would know what people were talking about, I watched on. This show pulled me down into dark places that I don't like to be in. It reminded me of pain that I try not to remember. It very well could have been one significant factor in my own slip.
Since then, I have pondered what my triggers could have been for my recent struggle. I truly believe that, although I kind of wish I wouldn't have watched it now, that it was important for me to. The reason is that it gave me some new insight on myself. I learned that perhaps things like this are something I need to steer clear from. I should've known. I tried reading the series of The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo and couldn't finish. Too much rape. I have never been raped, but being sexually molested is almost as invasive and scarring (I imagine). It triggered me, I felt it, and I stopped reading.
So, if you are considering watching this show, I caution you. It is hard to watch and hard to forget. If you have a past that could potentially be triggered by this show, don't watch it. You won't miss out. Besides the triggers, it's also kind of horrible in how it portrays the girl. She never seems to try very hard to fight for herself then she leaves a trail of blame behind her which can be equally torturous for those that may have cared about her. They will blame themselves even more. It's a contagion. It also sends a message that grown ups won't help, won't listen, and won't reach out. It really is kind of a horrible show in all honestly, but only in that way. The actors were excellent and the show itself cinematically, was well done. However, had they had experts consulting them on this show perhaps the meat of it could have been more tasteful, realistic, and less inaccurate.
In any case, I learned a valuable lesson here. And I am happy to share that I think I have finally pulled myself out of that gray funk it took me to. Thank goodness for running and yoga!! So, if you're considering this show or wondering perhaps why you may be slipping, take note of what you're exposing yourself to. You may be getting triggered without realizing it.
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