Here's the thing, I am an introverted extrovert. I desire relationships and social experiences, but on a limited basis. I enjoy solitude more than I like being surrounded by people. I have few friends, but the ones I have are real and drama-free. I struggle with anxiety, both situational and social. So, when I force myself to take my son to an activity it is sometimes a huge accomplishment for me. I want him to at least have the opportunity to develop socially among children his age. I want him to have a chance to try. Therefore, mommy has to go. And then I'm surrounded at places like the kiddie pool or soccer practice with other parents, some nice, some not so nice. I don't go into any of these situations looking for companionship, but I also try not to be a social pariah. Then there are those situations where some kid is acting like a total jackass and their parent isn't doing a damn thing about it. Someone has to step up and that person is usually me. I am socially anxious, but when it comes to following rules and being respectful to other children (especially mine) I power through, set that aside, and do what has to be done.
I have had an interesting experience this week. My son wanted to go to the public pool to hang out with one of his little friends. I too wanted to hang out with her mom. We arrived early to get a good spot under the shade tree. Then, the one 'mean mom' that I see all the time showed up and my heart sank. Then, the one kid that we encounter frequently who is almost always a little jerk showed up too and I could feel the tightness in my chest grow stronger. Every single time I am in any close proximity to these individuals, something unpleasant happens. Every. Single. Time. I try to avoid it, but it seems inevitable. It might be that my child and "mean mom's" child want to play together, but "mean mom" doesn't want her kids playing with any children other than ones she's already decided are ok to play with, so she redirects them away from my kid. Or it might be that the "jerk kid" pushes my son down or takes a toy away from him then when someone intervenes, either me or his mom, he has a huge screaming fit. So, naturally, my anxiety levels were high.
Luckily, the other moms all congregated at the other end of the pool. We got the whole other side all to ourselves! That was some small relief. But then it started. Jerk kid came with a fucking water gun. Who the hell lets their kid bring a water gun to the pool?! Even the best-behaved children would cause issues with that. It's just too tempting to squirt other people! And, of course, jerk kid started spraying kids and me, in the face and head with said gun. I asked him 3 times, and not quietly I might add, to stop spraying us. That was annoying encounter number one.
Then, there's the toys situation. Many kids bring their own toys to play with at the pool. Apparently. many of them are taught that if you bring a toy you have to share it. That all the toys are a free for all. I do not buy into this bullshit. If my son wants to share because he feels compelled to be kind to another kid who is not being an asshole then YES! Please do!! Hooray! But us having toys does not entitle other children to them. Unfortunately, most of these kids are unaware that I have different rules. At one point the littles decided they needed a snack so we got out of the pool, leaving the toys behind, to have our snack. We allowed other kids to play with them while we were not playing with them. I talked with my son about this and told him that when we were done with snack we could go get his toys back so he could play with them again.
Snack is done. Thus begins my least favorite thing to do as a mom in public social situations, interacting with other people's children and attempted toy retrieval. Inside I was filled to the brim with anxiety, but I am a grown up and my son is still working on social skills so he didn't want to retrieve them alone. Across the pool I spot "jerk kid" with our pool noodle. "Fuck." I whispered under my breathe. I took a deep breath and headed in that direction. As he swam away I spoke to him as kindly as I could. I told him we were back in the pool and wanted out toys back now. I told him I was glad he was able to enjoy it a little bit but we wanted it back now. He refused. He started to swim away with it. He told me 'no'. Then my fire lit. Inside I was pissed as hell. So I grabbed the noodle and thought "good luck fighting it kid, I am stronger than you are ya little punk." I wanted to just yank it out from under him, but I restrained myself (I deserve a gold medal for my restraint!). But I just strengthened my grip and slowly started to pull it away, all the while repeating in my nicest voice possible that we would really like to have our toy back, it belongs to us, we want it back, etc. etc. He still refused and attempted to escape with my noodle. So, I said to him, "Ok, I've asked nicely several times. So, you can either give me the noodle or I am going to take it." He looked at me like "I dare you" and proceeded to try to swim away with it again, telling me 'no'. My strong grip began to lift upward. He gripped it as tight as he could, trying to keep it from me. I continued to repeat that it was our toy and we want it back. He had plenty of time with it and now we want it back. I literally had to pull it up over my head to get it away from him.
And do you think a single parent, including this kid's mom, said anything?! Nope. Not a peep. And that right there is why this little shit is a little shit. Because he gets away with it and not a soul will hold him accountable for his behavior. I would never let my son act that way. Needless to say, I was fuming on the inside. And of course, I was the bad guy. And it didn't stop there. That little punk found another toy that he knew belonged to us. I know he knew because as he grabbed it he looked up at me, saw me moving towards him, and promptly tried to hide it behind his back and scurry away. I took that one too. All the while I could feel the burning eyes of judgment on my back. But I know I was doing the right thing so I didn't care. I was more focused on not losing my temper and stooping to his level.
A mortifying experience. I dread experiences like this whenever we do anything that involves other kids and their parents. I could just stay at home or just hang with my own mom-friends. But that's the point I'm trying to make here. I do things I'm not comfortable with because I don't want to restrict my son's experiences on account of my own issues. I want him to have the opportunity to see that there are good people and not-so-good people out there. I have to demonstrate how to handle either kind of person for him because he's still new to all of this and he doesn't know. He's naturally a fairly timid child too, so an easy target for being taken advantage of by kids that are not-so-friendly and I feel that it is my responsibility as a parent to show him that he doesn't have to just take it. I want him to know he can stand up for himself and I will support him in that. And if not, then he can send in mama bear and I will take care of it.
So, my point in all this is that my son will never know the flurry of emotions that go on inside me when I take him to the pool or the museum or the park and there are lots of other kids/parents around. He will never know that sometimes it takes all the effort I can muster just to walk out the door when all I really want to do is stay hidden and secure in my own little bubble. I can only hope that he perhaps sees me as brave and learns from that. I want him to be brave. I think even with social anxieties, actually especially with social anxieties, we get an opportunity to practice bravery every single day. I hope he sees that. I hope he sees that his mom is there for him. I hope he sees that the expectation of a person in this world is to be kind, respectful, compassionate, and generous. I think most of the kids/parents we encounter are really good people, but unfortunately, it's not always the good people that stand out in our minds. But it is a good reminder of what not to be and how not to behave.
So, if you are a parent struggling in this same way, I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone. And THANK YOU for being so brave, facing your fears on the daily, and teaching your child to not be an asshole. We need less of those in the world and more people that are willing to stand up for what is right.
Go out and BE YOU BRAVELY!!
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