I'm The Mom Running Into The Middle of The Giant Circle of Children and Parents

I hate to admit it...but I have "that kid". At least in a structured setting surrounded by peers I have "that kid". You know, the one kid who has difficulty sitting still and listening to directions. Mine is the one running circles around the instructor trying to engage in play with his peers who are all sitting there so nicely with their parents, listening and following directions. Mine is the one running up to the instructor and trying to get her attention so she will play with him right in the middle of her trying to tell everyone else what we are doing. Mine is the one that runs up to the front so he can point at pictures in the story and engage with it more directly. And I am the mom facepalming.

 Yep, that's right. Even Wonder Woman has her moments.

I am proud of my decreased self-consciousness in other aspects of my life, but when it comes to being surrounded by other kids and parents...oh. my. god. I am seriously a nervous wreck. I can just feel their judgmental eyes burning into me and I just want to grab my son and run like hell. I feel like they're all judging me because I'm the parent with the kid who is running around like a wild animal. Humiliated by having to get up in front of everyone to snag him and drag him back over to my lap. And they're judging my son as he turns around and smiles at me instead of obeying me immediately.

This scene is exactly why I avoid structured activities! But I know that I shouldn't do that just because it is an awful experience for me. My son deserves a chance to experience different things...right? (Can there seriously just be a manual that tells me exactly what I need to do to raise my kid perfectly!?!?!)

Our first experience with the structured activities was at library story time. It took us about 4 visits before he finally at least sat with me or near me instead of standing up by the lady reading. He never sits still. He doesn't even sleep still. (I hope he has good teachers when he goes to school!! He's a mover!)

Last night we started on our second very structured community activity...our first "Move it" class. This is a parent-child activity put on by our local parks & rec where they do a variety of song/dance, listening/following directions games, and motor games. In general, the girls who instructed us did a fabulous job. It was complete pandemonium in there with all those littles plus their parents (hovering over them everywhere they went...honestly I would have preferred to be an observer rather than a participant...let someone else be in charge of my child for an hour please!!), but the ladies did a wonderful job.

It was...
an experience.

Personally, I hated it. Goofy songs I don't know with goofy actions that made me feel silly (mostly because I didn't know any of them so I looked like an octopus trying to tap dance). Normally I have no problem being goofy with kiddos, but only when I already know what I'm doing (yes I am a perfectionist). (I was also going into this expecting it to be more fitness related than just random activities. I was very thankful that one of my mom friends was there with me. I would have hated it WAY more without her there. She's one of the reasons I feel I can't bail on this adventure)

Then the activities begin...
My son (exactly like he did the first couple times we went to story time at the library) was the only kid having trouble sitting, listening, and following directions by the instructors. When he's around peers he just wants to play. He doesn't want to sit around and listen to directions on what to do, he wants to get in there and just do it. He's all action (maybe a visual learner like his mother?  Possibly.). And it wasn't until about halfway through that he started to get into the activities (of course as soon as he figured it out they would change activities which also frustrated him), finally understanding that they are short and the next one will be introduced as soon as the last one is finished. He did ok the rest of the time. He really seemed to enjoy the time and cried a little when it was time to leave. Honestly, I think he most loved the running activities and the time after when most of the kids had left and there was just him, a few littles, and a giant floor of mats. He loved the instructors and being able to play with his BFF. So, in the end I think he had a good time.

But I couldn't help but feel regret as we left. Avoiding any eye contact from the (perceived) judging eyes surrounding me. I couldn't help but feel like trying this structured activity was a mistake (the same feelings I had with story time at the library). I couldn't help but feel like I put my son in a position to be judged negatively, to be embarrassed, to be humiliated.

Sometimes I really hate having to expose him to the real world. It's so cold and cruel. Some parents (as I am beginning to learn) seem to be about as juvenile as actual juveniles. And if they don't like me for whatever reason or they think negative things about my son, they won't allow their children to make their own friend. But he seemed to enjoy it. And I know that I shouldn't keep him from new experiences just because it makes me feel terribly uncomfortable.

I've asked myself why this situation bothers me more than other situations. It's not just about me looking foolish because I don't know the song and dance, but because my job as a mom is being evaluated based on my son's behavior. And not only that, but my parenting skills influence how other people will judge or regard him. That's the part that really breaks my heart. He is such an awesome kid (and I am not just saying this because he's mine). He is kind and thoughtful. He is rowdy, but not out of control. He is very well behaved most of the time. But when he's not being well behaved...that's when the judging eyes come out. And I really don't care (on some level) that people judge me. Haters are gonna hate, right? Right. But when it impacts my child. That's when it really hurts. When he is punished for my failures or the choices I have made for him as a parent, that's when it bothers me.

I don't have him go to a lot of structured activities. I really try not to overbook him. We pepper the weeks with attending about one very structured activity per week. He's 3. Neither one of us want to participate in more than one time a week. We would both hate it. But I know he needs it because otherwise he's going to be "that kid" when he goes to preschool. So perhaps I don't do it enough and there's my failure. But I know that he would rather be playing with creative freedom. I know that he would rather be up in front helping to tell the story rather than sit and listen. I know that he would rather run in circles than play simon says. So am I wrong to give him a life that makes him happy during his formative years. Am I wrong to not be providing him with a more preschool-like setting at home every day? We do a structured morning routine complete with learning activities, but this whole scenario only takes us about 45 minutes, sometimes less. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong... Maybe not...

Judging from our library story time experience, there is hope that he will figure it out after going a few more times. Or maybe he won't because this sort of thing just isn't for him. I guess we will figure it out as we go! Wish us luck!

Getting Older Can Offer So Many Opportunities To Free Yourself

Recently someone asked me my age and I literally forgot. I had to do the math. And I realized that I am going to be 34 this year. 34! 

My first thought was, "Well, shit." But this was quickly followed up with, "I thought I'd be old by now." There are most certainly times that I feel "old" in comparison to my almost 3-year-old boy with an endless abundance of energy (god I wish I could siphon that off him!) But in general, I am most definitely not feeling as old as I expected to feel when I was thinking about this at age 20. 30 was old to me then. 40 seems old to me now, but I'm only 6 years away from that number (insert choking sound). So maybe not really that old.

It freaks me out a little. My life is not the way I envisioned it when I was in my 20s. I figured I'd have had at least 2 kids before I was 30 (although I am super blessed to have my one who decided that age 30 was the perfect age to have my first baby). And even as I approached 30 I was so upset because I thought that was the beginning of the end. I thought my life was only downhill from there. But I can honestly say that I feel younger now than I did when I was 20.

It has taken me three decades to let go of my armor, to learn to love myself, to shed the terror of rejection, and become the person I am today. I feel that I'm finally really living life because I'm finally free of all the burdens that weighed me down, making me feel old, tired, sad, lonely, isolated...  Now don't get me wrong, I still feel all of those things from time to time. That's human and part of life too, but they aren't on top of me always anymore. This is what freedom really feels like, perhaps. It saddens me that I missed out on really living for so much of my life already. That's like a third of my life! Spent hating myself, feeling inadequate, insecure, alone, broken, tired, worried...

And in a couple days, my little baby is going to be three. I can envision in my mind what he'll become in the blink of an eye. And there will go another third of my life. Will I feel old then? I certainly hope not.

Sometimes You Just Need To Talk It Out, Even If It's Just With Your Reflection

I have been feeling exceptionally anxious the past few days. Running in the morning has helped, but only for a couple hours. It occurred to me today that I've basically just been putting a band aid on the anxiety instead of addressing it.

So today I had a good talk with myself. Yep, I stood in front of my mirror and actually talked to myself. Sometimes just saying things out loud is such a relief. It beats swirling around in my brain achieving nothing but high blood pressure and a racing pulse.

With my vocal processing of the recent dilemma I discovered that it was coming from pressure that I have put upon myself. Once again, I am my own worst enemy. I've been stressing about my son's upcoming birthday party. Plus, having so many people in my house at one time makes me feel like I just took a deep breath but can only blow it out through a tiny pin hole. While I love each of them dearly, the sheer numbers just...it's a lot.

I really stopped to think about what it was I was getting so stressed about. I wanted it to be perfect. But then I thought, "What does he care about?" He cares about the cake, the presents, and the people. He doesn't care about it being perfect. He'd be content with just getting to play with his BFF and his cousin. And it doesn't have to be perfect, because, to him, it already is. How lucky he is to even have all these people come together to celebrate the day he took his first breath. How blessed he is to be so loved. And here I am freaking out because I overfilled the cupcake papers and the cupcakes now look like mushrooms. But they taste good so I should not care!

The self-talk really helped a lot. It was a bit unconventional, and I certainly could not have done it without being all alone. But it worked.

We're going to have a birthday party. It's going to be awesome.

Strength Grows in the Moments When You Think You Can't Go On But You Keep Going Anyway

Some people who are close and know me or have known me for years also know that I have struggled (like basically almost every single woman in the entire world) with my self-concept, self-perception, and weight. I am guilty of self-hate, self-deprecation, starvation, and fad diets. I spent many years looking at myself in the mirror and breaking down in tears because I hated everything about how I looked on the outside. And truthfully...there were a lot of things I hated about myself on the inside too. But the outside part...that's the part that faces you every day. And if your inner voice is saying awful things to you...it breaks you. It breaks you in so many ways.

Somewhere, somehow along the way I began to shed those cruel inner voices. I know it was a long process of changing my self-talk, challenging the lies those inner voices told me, and learning to love myself for exactly who I am. I could make quite a lengthy list of all the things I hated about myself. But to do such a thing would be counterproductive...because it just doesn't even matter anymore.

In addition to being my own cruelest critic I also constantly fretted over what other people thought of me. I was always distracted by the constant running inner dialogue. I missed out on so many awesome life experiences because I feared what kind of judgement I would get from other people about how I looked or how I performed.

I worked really hard for many years to change those voices inside my head. It wasn't easy, but I did it. It's really difficult to explain how, because, like I mentioned before, it was a very long process that took years. But at the beginning I just had to make the decision that I didn't want to hear those voices anymore. I wanted so badly to love myself and be who I really am. I wanted acceptance from me.

I'm not sharing this because I think I am better than anyone. I don't share what works for me because I expect others to do it too. I share my story with whomever wants to hear it because I hope that someone out there is inspired. That someone out there reads this and knows that it can get better. It is possible to learn to love yourself. It takes time, but it is possible.

This Is What I Have Learned

Lesson 1: Changing your inner voice is a very big challenge and sometimes it requires some support outside of yourself. 

For me, I think the pivotal moment was when I was in a group counseling class during graduate school. Being surrounded by a bunch of compassionate, helping people was an incredible experience. We led groups and participated. I distinctly remember one group did a session where another person had to write something (a few words) they felt/thought about the others; what they admired about them or what they liked about them. It is sad to say that this might be the first time in my life that I ever heard (or literally read them, but my inner voice heard them) kind words said to me and gave them merit. People had said them before, but I always thought they were just saying those things because they had to. But these were people that didn't know me that well and they were still able to tell me that I had some really good qualities. It was then that I felt like it was time to start challenging that little critic inside my head that made me feel so worthless all the time. But this is where it starts and the journey never really ends (in my opinion). And at that point when you can truly love yourself just the way you are, it takes so much pressure off.

I really feel that it is necessary to point out that loving who you are or what you look like doesn't mean that you just accept whatever you've been given. I mean, yes, there are some things that can't really be changed. Like for example, I can't change the way my knees are, or that my elbows look just like my mom's, or that my ankles (regardless of how fat or thin I am) are just cankles, etc etc. Accepting yourself doesn't mean settling. It means letting go of the things you cannot change and working on changing the things you can.

Lesson 2: Take the pressure off. 

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I was trying to hit the bulls-eye from 100 miles away when I had only just started shooting arrows. 

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Let me explain a little here. When I say this I mean that, for me, when I put pressure on myself to work out in order to lose weight or eat right in order to lose weight, I always failed. I pushed myself too hard, injured myself, and never made it to that point where I felt successful. I always gave up after a while. It was always a chore. It was not my motivator. It only increased my negative criticism and made me feel inadequate. So I decided one day to just stop. Being skinny could not be my goal if I was going to be successful. Instead I needed to do these things because I wanted to. Not that I don't want to lose weight. I definitely know that's something I want, but it just can't be the goal. Not for me.

For me "taking the pressure off" meant that I set my bar pretty low to start out. Why not? If I meet it, I raise it a little more, and so on and so on. I just continue to challenge myself to get to that next teeny bar. Achievable goals in a realistic amount of time. (Kind of like IEP goals! haha) I took the pressure off myself to run long distances, run fast, run harder, pound out that Insanity program, finish that T25 program, be perfect at yoga, etc etc etc. I lowered my expectations. I know this sounds exactly the opposite of what most people might tell you. "Aim high" is a pretty typical motivational approach. But aiming high doesn't work for me. It only works to make me feel like I just can't hit the mark. Probably because I put my aim way too high. I still have "aspirations", but I won't pressure myself to meet them in a way that makes what I am doing less satisfying.

Lesson 3: Find your "quit line(s)". 

This is the point in which your aspirations become cumbersome. My quit lines are probably completely ridiculous to other people, but I just went over how I do not care what other people think so... Some of my quit lines are things like not already being dressed to work out, having the bar set too high, working out for too long, and restricting myself. Let me explain them a little more. 

Dress for success!
Dressing to work out has been a HUGE motivator for me. I don't know if this would work for others, but it definitely works for me. If I plan to work out that day I get dressed in my work out clothes. If I'm not already dressed in my workout gear I will not change in order to work out. It's silly, and lazy, yes, but I am who I am and I know my limits. I am a bit lazy in some respects so I find a way to work around it. If I am already dressed and I don't feel like working out my inner voice says to me "Why not? You're already dressed for it. What have to got to lose now?" And it WORKS! Seriously. I tried a couple days of just getting dressed and thinking if I have time to work out today I will. I had time. I never did. So now I know that's a quit line for me. Get dressed for your goal!

Set the bar low.

Now I realize how terrible this might sound, but it makes sense for me. Too often I would have unrealistic expectations of myself. I wanted to be the best right off the start so I didn't have to suffer the humiliation that comes with the beginning weeks of starting a fitness routine. Being super slow, breathing heavily, not being able to go as long, not being able to bend into the poses, not having my body stretch as much as the instructor's, etc. etc. Those are all the things that I wanted to skip. But how silly of me was it to expect to be perfect without ever having practiced. I sit here trying to teach my son that you have to practice in order to get good at something, you have to keep trying, and yet my own personal expectation is unrealistic. So lower it. Put your goal in a place that you really feel is achievable in a reasonable amount of time. If that means your goal is to walk around the block at least once a week then great! Start small and work your way up. It doesn't matter what you are doing as long as you are doing something!

You gotta have goals, but make them realistic!
Workout when you can, but make an effort to work it in. It has to be on my mind to do it or at least be penciled in to my day. I also set a low goal to start with about frequency. I decided I would expect myself to do yoga at least once a week and run at least once a week. So far I have exceeded that goal every week. I set the bar low, then when I get to it, I can assess how I'm feeling and whether or not I feel like amping it up or not. Almost every time I get to that point and I ask myself "could I just do another or go a little farther this time?" and I feel like I can. It's so much more motivating than working myself to death then feeling like I didn't achieve anything. 

Make it short and sweet. I know myself enough to know (and just accept instead of trying to change it) that I simply cannot focus on a workout routine that lasts more than 45 minutes. I have tried and tried and I just cannot do it. Once I get past that 45 minute mark, my attention and focus deteriorate into irritation and anxiety. All I think about then is just being done with it, so my effort and focus go straight out the window. This is particularly targeting my yoga practice, but it would also apply to things like Insanity. 

Variety. I get bored SO easily with workout routines. And honestly, the only workout routine that I feel isn't torturing me is yoga. So as much as I just adore Shaun T, I can only do his workouts for so long before I begin to feel annoyed. And it's not about him at all! He's amazing. It's more about the inability to focus and that the routine begins to feel cumbersome. I started doing yoga mainly for my chronic lower back pain (thank you pregnancy for the everlasting gift of SI joint pain!). I subscribe to yogisanonymous which enables me to attend real life yoga classes by amazing instructors right in the comfort of my own home. There are hundreds of classes to choose from and they are easy to search through. I love being able to do a different practice each time or do the same practice over and over. It all depends on how I feel or what my inner voices need to hear. Whatever I do, I set myself up for success. I do what I know I want to do and will make me happy. So my variety is all the yoga workouts and running. 

Running is easy to put variety into also. I change my course all the time so I can see new things as I run. Being outside and moving is imperative. Running on a treadmill never worked for me. It became annoying to be moving, but not going anywhere. I like to be able to go places.

Do it because it feels good. Do it because you want to thank your body for being alive and giving itself to you each and every day. Do it because you want to live a long full life. Do it because you want your children to see the value in being healthy. I have found the kinds of work outs and routines that make me feel good. I get that high from it so it motivates me to want to do it again. I love it. I sleep better. I'm not insatiable all the time. I'm not tired all the time and grumpy. It just feels so damn good. 

Do it for yourself. Because you deserve it!! I have learned that when I do these things because someone tells me I should I am much less likely to do it. I don't need anyone bossing me around and telling me how to live my life and what's good for me!! I know what's good for me and I'll do it if I want to dammit! (haha I am very stubborn.) You could say I am oppositional. I don't like being told what to do or what I can't do. But even if you're not the stubborn and oppositional type, you still deserve it. 

Get a partner if you can! Having someone who both relies on you and encourages you is so motivating. My sister-in-law and I decided we were going to be each others partner. We decided to finally do a fun run together (Zombie Run is the first, but will not be the last!). Having this real goal in my face and having someone else rely on me to be there (as well as not wanting to humiliate myself by totally sucking balls) has been great for me. If I wake up not feeling like I want to run I remind myself that my sister is counting on me to run with her in a month not miles behind her. 

Moderation not Abstinence! Oh gosh this one is a big one for me. I was always pressured to stop eating this or that, cut back on this, eat more of that...blah blah blah. Abstinence does not work for me. When I cut things out of my life, like say sugar, completely it only makes the desire to have it a thousand times stronger. It breaks me, then I end up hiding in a corner scarfing down an entire bag of mellowcreme pumpkins (or something along those lines). Ok, yes, I admit, this probably means I am a sugar addict. Yes this is a real thing. Sugar is as addictive as cocaine (just google "research on sugar addiction", it will blow your mind). So...yep I am an addict. A sugar fiend. I freaking love sugar. I've tried to cut it out of my diet, but I always end up in a dark corner bingeing until my stomach aches and I can't move. It's disgusting. Humiliating. It's not something to be proud of. But I have come to accept that moderation works best for me (my husband and I disagree on this strongly). I know myself. I know what happens if I cut sugar out. I do much better at indulging myself in a reasonable way rather than doing the fast then binge routine. So yes, I consume sugar, and I am not going to stop. I'm just going to be responsible about it. That's just what works for me. 

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I've been practicing yoga regularly (at least 1 to 2 times a week and often more) for almost 4 months now. (update January 2017 - Now doing it 5 times a week) I am seeing progress in every way and yoga, for me, (sigh) it's just so incredibly therapeutic. Ally Hamilton was the first yoga instructor that ever really moved my heart during a yoga practice. My first time in Savasana with her, I wept. She spoke right to my heart. It moved me in a way I cannot describe. Ally has been an inspiration to me in countless ways. She is such an amazing person and I feel so lucky to live in an age where I have virtual access to her teaching. Yoga is more than just working out for me. It's a spiritual, emotional, and physical practice. It clears my mind, calms the storms inside me, and pulls my body around in relieving ways. It has almost completely cured my chronic back pain (which has been a huge motivator for me). And it just feels sooooooooo good! Seriously. I may be a little obsessed. But I suppose that's a good thing to get addicted to right?!

Running is also a love of mine. Running in the morning is my best time. I am not a morning person and I just hate getting up early, but I have found a method that works to get my lazy, grumpy booty out of bed. Running helps me clear my head, rid myself of excess negative emotion, and is just so cathartic. I've found my perfect fitness balance between yoga and running. This is my cocktail of self-love. 

So, no I'm not skinny. In fact I haven't lost a single pound since I started working out for real (meaning building into my life routine, not just doing it to lose weight) 3 months ago. It might be because I don't do it enough or push myself enough and I know I don't always eat healthy (although I do try to do this more often than not because it makes me feel like shit when I don't...like physically. It's crazy how your body changes when you stop eating shit all the time.) But quite frankly...I don't care about losing weight. I will certainly celebrate it if I do get all hot and sexy, but if it doesn't happen for me that's ok. Right now I am in a place where I like my body. It's not perfect, not thin, there are squishy spots and jiggles, I have huge thighs, and a giant ass. But I am not "fat", at least I don't think I am, although some people out there probably would consider me fat. But they can go ahead and think that because it really doesn't matter what they think. I look in the mirror now and my inner voice is honest, but kind. I don't delude myself. I'm not like a 300 pound woman walking around in a bikini expecting people to think I'm sexy. No. I am just an average size 7 woman and sometimes I rock a bikini because I want to...because I feel ok with it and comfortable in my skin for the first time in 25 years. So yeah, I'm gonna rock it with pride, stretch marks and all! And I couldn't care less what those snickering teenagers think or anyone else for that matter.

I hope that my words are an inspiration to someone out there. There are far too many people out there hating themselves. Far too many people who say things to themselves that they would never say to another human being. Why would you respect other people more than your own self?! That is just preposterous to me. I leave you with this...believe in yourself. Find your path and just take that first step. You can't go anywhere if you just stand still and hope change comes. It just doesn't work that way. Nothing that's worth having comes easy nor does it come without an ounce of effort. So go believe in yourself, fall in love with YOU!

Potty Training - What Worked For Us

Potty training was...what's the word I'm looking for here...terrifying. The terror comes from my own perfectionistic issues and the fact that I really want to be good at being a mom. Also I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to planning things, particularly things that involve the wellbeing of other people. And whenever I get into something that I don't feel like I'm already an expert at I worry that I'm going to screw it all up. And if I screw THIS up then I'm hurting my kid, so that's some pretty significant pressure.

I honestly believe he was ready before we were. There was one shining moment in time where he indicated he was probably ready, but I had so much research to do!!! I hadn't read much about it at all. I mean I have, but I didn't feel like an expert.

In all the research I did I discovered that every kid is so completely different than another that there is almost no way to know exactly what is going to work until you're in the thick of it. Also, everyone says different things. Everyone has a different experience, a different opinion, etc. etc. And most of the books about potty training are written from anecdotal experiences as professionals in a variety of areas. So the more research I did, the more I felt like I was drowning in information but could make no use of it.

Originally I had decided to do it right after his 3rd birthday. Then our family decided to do a zoo trip before this year was over AND I was impatient to start this potty training business. So we happened to have an immediate 2-week window where nothing much was going on and I jumped right in.

Much of my research indicated that boys are late potty trainers and it's perfectly acceptable to wait until they are 3. At the same time, I read an equal amount of anecdotes about boys who were able to potty train sooner. So...no one really knows.

I decided to go with the book

Available on Amazon.com

There were positives and negatives with regard to this method and the author.

Let me first say that the impression I get from this book about Glowacki is that she is a fairly blunt, crass, and opinionated lady. She can be incredibly condescending and gives the impression that she feels her way is the only way, the best way, and she is the best at making it happen. If things go wrong, it's because the parents didn't follow her directions to a tea like she expects. None of what I read in here is really based on science. It's mostly all from her own experiences, and while that is certainly valid, I feel like she clumps all kids into her experience bubble and if any one child deviates from her personal experiences then it's really not worth addressing because (and I'm paraphrasing here) in all here years of experience she's only had 1 or 2 kids who behaved that way.

It was also quite insulting (more so to my husband who was once a stay-at-home-dad) that she presents this process from a presumption that the only person doing the potty training will be mom. She even has a section specifically intended for dads to read where she basically says she knows she's making huge generalizations based on her work in "the real world" and it really isn't meant to alienate anyone, but then she continues to write the entire book in this manner. So like she knows she's kind of being offensive and its not meant to be, but she leaves it as it is. Umm...ok?? She rarely refers to "parents" or focuses on any areas where a mom or dad would be better or worse in helping. It's very mom-centric, which in this day is extremely out of touch with social reality. I honestly didn't really even notice it until my husband read it. I just related to a lot of it, but didn't think how it would come across to someone that wasn't her exact target audience.

That said, she is also an experienced social worker and has helped many parents potty train their child. So I respected her training and experience. I also respected the process she presented.

Another thing to be aware of is that she is very stuck on the idea that a parent must potty train during the "Golden Window" (between 20 and 30 months) regardless of gender, temperament, or developmental stage. I personally think this is total bullshit. Even when I wasn't super sure that he was ready, there were plenty of signs to indicate that he was. He just didn't know any other way. He had to learn a new way to do things and he was prepared for it developmentally. So I call shenanigans on this theory of the "Golden Window". I believe there are developmental signs of readiness and these are more important to attend to than their chronological age.

If you decide to use this book and you are doing it outside of her magic window, read Chapter 15 first because it will at least provide some relief for you and NOT make you feel like you've already completely screwed it all up and are therefore a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad parent. I started from the beginning and went into complete panic mode.

So why on earth did I choose this book? Well, all condescension and arrogance aside, her foundational ideas with relation to developmental child psychology made perfect sense to me. When I filter through the parts I didn't like about her writing style and presentation I see a method that allows a more natural learning process to occur. I'm not putting him on the potty at certain intervals and expecting him to go. This method centers around the child more; learning his/her own bodily cues and the natural consequences and feelings that come with success or accidents.

A Brief Process Synopsis & How It Worked For Us

[Block 1] Naked Day(s) & House Arrest - In the beginning, her expectation is that the child is naked (at least from the waist down) all day (for as many days as it takes for them to begin to recognize that they are peeing/pooping). Everyone participating in this process stays home. I recommend that both parents be around or if you have a friend or family member that can be there to help out, do this! It is EXTREMELY exhausting and stressful being the only one, and you really need a tag team for this phase so that you (the parent) can still have some normalcy in your day and be able to go to the bathroom yourself too (as well as a couple extra hands to help clean up inevitable messes).

Her recommendation was to be on the kid like white on rice. I'm sorry, but that shit is just plain crazy. Even the most focused person cannot sit there all day staring at a child to learn their potty cues and prompt accordingly without going completely mad. And who on earth is going to feel no pressure when his/her parents are suddenly staring at them all day? Um...no one I know.

So day one drove me bat-shit crazy. I am not the kind of person that can sit and stare at my child all day long. I love him to death, don't get me wrong here. But sometimes...well...he's kind of boring. I know he's having a great time, but I can play trains for only so long before my attention moves elsewhere.

Being on him "like white on rice" did not work for him either. My son wants to do things on his own. He is extremely proud of becoming a big boy. He almost never wants my help or anyone's help with anything. He also can't be pushed into things. He has always always done things in his own time and exactly when he feels ready. He doesn't like to struggle or fail. But he observes and learns then when he's ready it's just like BOOM...suddenly he's speaking in complete sentences when just last week he was barely saying more than 'mom' & 'dad'. I mean seriously! He just amazes me. I panic, then suddenly he's all like "I got this mom, no worries." But I digress. Anyway, we all became frustrated with the watching. So we backed off a bit and observed frequently from a distance. We'd prompt randomly things like "Do you feel like you need to go potty?". He'd say no, then I would remind him what he needs to do when he does feel like he needs to and walk away. Showing him that I trusted him with this very big responsibility seemed to encourage him more to do it on his own. Once we backed off, he just did it. It was (I dare say...because some mom out there is going to want to wring my neck for it) really kind of easy!

Here's why though. He was ready. I felt like developmentally he was in a place where he understood what was expected, but just wasn't really sure how to approach it. So once we sort of 'taught' him how to go about doing it, it just clicked. He wasn't forced into it. We encouraged him to try, but didn't make him try. And for him that worked.

Now, there was also one hiccup in the plan. Bribery. I read so many times that in this one situation, bribery is encouraged. The book I chose was against it (and as much as I hate to admit it, she was sort of right). In our case we chose to use rewards for going. And it backfired big time. Once he realized he got a reward for it, he wouldn't get off the potty. He'd just sit and wait until the next "movement" and want a reward. You could say he was highly motivated. Except we wanted him to learn the 'feelings' of needing to go. So we had to tweak it a little. We began to reward for the expected behavior and got more specific about it. It wasn't just for going in the potty, but another condition of the reward was that it had to be spontaneous. We explained what that meant and how it would look, each scenario. And that worked great! We did phase out of the rewards quickly (like by the end of the weekend). We told him that once he runs out of rewards that means he's potty trained (we're done training) and now all he has to do is keep practicing what he's learned. At the end we told him he graduated and he got a big prize.

Other things we did in the beginning block were things like having the potty chair in a central and connected location. Meaning he could get there quickly and not miss out on too much of the household activities. (We are slowly moving it toward the bathroom as his bladder control gets better) We read books if he felt like he needed to go and we practiced waiting. Now he sometimes reads on his own or we read a couple to him.

We also decided to go ahead with night training too because he was already waking up dry after naps for a really long while (that's the typical cue for night training readiness). I think we went about 3 weeks of consistent dry post-nap diaper.  At night I don't allow fluids after dinner and so far he's been dry in the morning. I also had the potty in his room for the first few nights. I put a glow stick underneath it to illuminate it through the night and if he needed to go he would be able to see it without turning on too many lights.



[Block 2] Commando & [Block 3] Underpants & Longer Outings - Phase two will last as long as it needs to. The transition is supposed to be when they no longer have accidents while wearing pants/dresses. Parents are encouraged to take short outings to practice and encourage success to build confidence. We are giving him the choice to wear underpants or not. I understand that there is worry there that the underpants will feel too much like a diaper, but I really don't feel like you need to necessarily wait as long as she recommends to start with the underpants. We let him go either way, in both situations he "tested it out" once, and we have had very few accidents. But what works for my kid might not work for another. So use your own judgement on that one. I think he was getting confused because he kept seeing in books and other things that being a big boy meant to wear big boy underpants. If we sat there telling him he's a big boy then didn't allow him to wear underpants when he asked....well I can see how that might be confusing. So we just decided to let him choose.

Mostly the issue now is getting the pants down in time. I keep telling him to "push" them down, but he pulls them so it takes longer.

I am still quite terrified of extended outings. We tried the park the other day and that went well. We're both getting pretty stir crazy now, but I am so afraid he'll have an accident and just be mortified...or NOT be mortified. I don't know which is worse.

We're still working and practicing. He's done a pretty awesome job at this. I'm super proud of him.

Overall, I'd say that the basic premise of this process is good. It's more child-centered and allows for natural learning to take place. I liked the different "Blocks", but didn't really agree on the time frame expectancy for those. I really think you just have to go with your gut sometimes. If you feel like your child is ready to do something, then let them do it. Teach them, support them. This method allows for that. For my son, it worked. We had to make it our own, but the basics were there.

What I didn't like is that there are not enough troubleshooting sections for a variety of situations, she comes across as arrogant and condescending, and I would have appreciated if she would have started the book with chapter 15. I think the book could be written in a more inclusive format for other types of caregivers other than just moms.

But as I said before, the process is a good one. It worked for us anyway! (as about a gazillion other parents would say about whatever method they chose haha) So if this interests you and you can look past the negatives and just use the book as more of a guide rather than a manual, you might like it. You might not really need the book either, if you understand how to do the process. A good resource here would be: http://www.lucieslist.com/toddlerhood/the-two-day-method-potty-training/

Happy Potty Training!

10 Things I Wish I'd Have Known Before Becoming a Mom

1.  You're going to have to baby proof your house. Save yourself a little bit of money and just toddler proof it. Yes that's a thing. They figure out half of those baby safe gadgets. My favorite one is this handy dandy contraption: Child Proof Deluxe Door Top Lock 



They figure out those door things. At least mine did. This was the best thing. Would've saved some money going straight to locking the top of the doors. And if those don't work for you, try these. I personally love them. Compared to some of the other door/cabinet/drawer safety gadgets, this one is (to me) the easiest to undo in a pinch. I use them for drawers that I don't want him to get into and my in-laws have used them for their entryway doors that doorknob safety gadgets and my top lock doesn't work for. With this latch you can put it in their reach. Their little hands won't be strong enough to open them for a long while.

2. If you like to run, walk, or be active in any way, go ahead and buy a jogging stroller. You'll want it later if you don't. AND you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on a good one. There are very highly rated ones on Amazon for a reasonable price.

3. Buying clothes for your child isn't as fun as you thought it would be. Because you never know what is going to fit or not. So annoying. And if you have a boy...well good luck! No matter where I go, the boys section is always significantly smaller than the girls section. There are far fewer cute things for boys too, especially around holidays. It's so irritating.

4. People without children just don't get it. This is not to be mean. It's just reality. I thought I got it. I tend to be a very empathetic person and as someone who works with children and their parents on a daily basis (or at least I did while I was a working mom) it was imperative that I empathize with what parents are dealing with when it comes to their child. And as much as I thought I understood the desires they had for their children to be amazing, successful, loved, cared for, respected, etc...I didn't truly understand it. Lots of people told me that I could not understand what it's like for them because I did not have children of my own. And to some extent, they were right. It's similar to that cliche that no one understands how much their parents loved them until they have one of their own (for lots of parents...NOT all, mind you. I'm making a generalization here that all parents have this deep love for their child, but truth be told, that isn't always the case). You just can't understand it unless you're in it. You can't understand why parents "wouldn't change a thing" even when their child is acting crazy and they are delirious with sleep deprivation. Yes, having children is pretty hard in so many ways. But they are incredible. It's just amazing to watch them grow and learn. They really are worth it. <3

5. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have snacks available when out and about. If a child becomes hangry they are the absolute worst version of themselves and they will flip the crazy switch no matter how well behaved they normally are.

6. If you have a very wiggly sleeper, chances are you're going to have issues with diapers at night time. Mine always woke up saying his diaper was hurting him. I'd find scratch marks and pinches every morning. Sometimes it would just fall half off. I tried night time pull ups, and those are good IF your child is still peeing a LOT at night. It might not be the MOST comfortable, but it's probably going to be more comfortable than the diapers and it will hold the pee. Once my son started peeing less at night I finally found a pull up that worked perfectly. Pampers Easy Ups Training Underwear was our favorite. These ones did not have the velcro-like pull away sides (that almost always inevitably came undone somehow and were so scratchy). They are easy to tear away at the sides if you have to take them off that way (for a poop). They held his night pees very well. He loved them for sleeping in. (Please note that this was all prior to potty training. I am not promoting the use of pull ups during potty training.)

7. Don't get a dog before a baby. Now, this is not the case for everyone. I have heard and known of many dogs who are just AWESOME pre-baby doggies. But many of them are not. And at the introduction of this new tiny person who takes all their attention away then gets bigger and tries to squish them with love or chase them around the house with toys, many dogs do not appreciate the new family member. Ours most certainly did not. He's almost three now and she's only now begun to warm up to him. But she mostly doesn't like him.

Also cats. Cats are assholes. Having them before or after a child doesn't really matter because they will be assholes regardless. And be prepared for your child to get scratched a lot. And maybe even bit on a regular basis. Although, once again, I have known a lot of people with cats who are awesome. It's luck of the draw with these beasts. So take my advice lightly here.

8. Invest in a carpet shampooer. You will not regret it.

9. You will end up putting a shit ton (That is a legit measurement, right? I'm gonna go with 'yes') of clothes in storage. And clothes in storage get stale and funky smelling. BUT I have discovered (thanks to my amazing sister-in-law who always smells really good) that there are real ways to prevent stale clothing smell (this also works for storing sheets and blankets!). Gain Original Scent Laundry soap is amazing.



I have clothes that were stored for over a year that were washed in this stuff and they came out of storage smelling exactly as if I had washed them yesterday.

It's also a useful trick to use those smelly laundry beads by dumping them in a cloth satchel and tossing that into your storage space (go easy though, that shit is strong!).

10. They really do grow up too fast. It's mind boggling and bittersweet. You want them to grow up and become amazing human beings, but at the same time that's your baby! There are so many moments I didn't realize I should have savored. So many lasts that I wasn't prepared for.

I'm a Slob

This is my ideal way of thinking. I'd have to say that most of the time, this is where I am. I want to spend the days I have being a stay at home mom (SAHM) being with my son. I waited so long to meet him, and I just can't get enough. So my house is a bit disheveled now and then (sometimes perpetually if we're really being honest here). But I love that my home looks "lived in". I love to look around my house and see that my son has been playing. I do not allow us to live in squalor. I do at least clean enough to make the house clean. But it can still look like a tornado passed through. I am admittedly a slob and it really does take a great deal of effort on my part to clean up after myself. I know this sounds incredibly pathetic, but it's the truth. No use in sugar coating it. But primarily I let things go because I'd rather hang out with my kid (or take a nap...because yes moms need naps sometimes).

I've tried keeping the house in a perpetual state of clean and at the end of those days, my heart feels a little hollow. I feel like I spent the day doing chores and I miss my son. On those days I feel like a shitty mom because I wasn't there. I wasn't attentive.

I think perhaps that this is a constant circle of inner conflict for me (and most likely a thousand other moms...or maybe every single one of them). Society leads me to believe that the expectation of me as a mom is to be a great teacher, patient, keep a clean and organized home, be available, be busy, be productive, pinterest, craft, etc. etc. etc....  And the problem with me is that I have not been able to meet society's expectations, my husband's expectations, or mine. As I try to please all of them I get caught in a whirlwind of stress. I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect mom. And when I feel like I have failed at that, I get frustrated, angry, and sad. I hate feeling like a failure, especially at this. This is where I sometimes catch myself taking out my internal pressure and failure to perform on those I love. I admit it. I can really be a bitch sometimes. I don't mean to be. I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself "Ok today I'm going to be a crappy mom and a bitchy wife." No, I don't mean to be that way, but sometimes I am.

I am happiest when I let the pressure off. When I don't expect to get the house spotless or get all the laundry done, those are my happiest days. On those days, i just do what I can do and what I can do is enough. I like those days. But I often feel outward pressure from a variety of sources to keep my house cleaner, do more activities, teach my son more things, spend more time with friends and family, be active in the community, be active for my health...  I do a lot of it for fun, for my own good, and because I want to, but it's still a lot. So I have to let some of it slide, and usually that is the household chores that I slide on. This of course leads to a slippery slope of household chaos.

So where do I find the balance? Who do I let down? My son? My husband? My family? My friends? Myself? I usually end up letting myself down. I take away my personal free time. I take away my workout time. Whatever I can sacrifice from my own expectations so that I can meet the needs of everyone else. I'm almost certain that some mom out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. We put ourselves last all the time. We're told not to. We know we shouldn't. But we inevitably do it. And for me, when I start losing my temper more easily. When I can't pause and take a breath before I react to a frustrating situation (because there are A LOT of those when you are raising a child). Those are the times that I come to realize I haven't done much for myself lately. Or I haven't been able to take the pressure off for a long while. Then I lose my temper by yelling or something else regretful. Then begins the constant cycle of self-criticism on the quality of my parenting.

I know I'm at least an ok mom. My kid is fairly well behaved and he seems to be pretty happy. But I can probably count on one hand already the areas that I feel I've already failed. People constantly tell me that I'm a good mom, but how do I ever know if that's really true? People aren't going to tell me that I'm a bad mom are they? Not likely.

I wish I were more patient. I wish I didn't get frustrated when I can't fix things. I wish I weren't so stubborn. I wish I could hold my temper. I wish I could do it all and still have time to live, laugh, be happy.

I'm sure you have a list too.

But at the end of the day...at the end of my life. I don't want to look back and think "I wish I would have spent more time with him." So the house might be a mess. The laundry might not all get done. So be it.