I'm a Slob

This is my ideal way of thinking. I'd have to say that most of the time, this is where I am. I want to spend the days I have being a stay at home mom (SAHM) being with my son. I waited so long to meet him, and I just can't get enough. So my house is a bit disheveled now and then (sometimes perpetually if we're really being honest here). But I love that my home looks "lived in". I love to look around my house and see that my son has been playing. I do not allow us to live in squalor. I do at least clean enough to make the house clean. But it can still look like a tornado passed through. I am admittedly a slob and it really does take a great deal of effort on my part to clean up after myself. I know this sounds incredibly pathetic, but it's the truth. No use in sugar coating it. But primarily I let things go because I'd rather hang out with my kid (or take a nap...because yes moms need naps sometimes).

I've tried keeping the house in a perpetual state of clean and at the end of those days, my heart feels a little hollow. I feel like I spent the day doing chores and I miss my son. On those days I feel like a shitty mom because I wasn't there. I wasn't attentive.

I think perhaps that this is a constant circle of inner conflict for me (and most likely a thousand other moms...or maybe every single one of them). Society leads me to believe that the expectation of me as a mom is to be a great teacher, patient, keep a clean and organized home, be available, be busy, be productive, pinterest, craft, etc. etc. etc....  And the problem with me is that I have not been able to meet society's expectations, my husband's expectations, or mine. As I try to please all of them I get caught in a whirlwind of stress. I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect mom. And when I feel like I have failed at that, I get frustrated, angry, and sad. I hate feeling like a failure, especially at this. This is where I sometimes catch myself taking out my internal pressure and failure to perform on those I love. I admit it. I can really be a bitch sometimes. I don't mean to be. I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself "Ok today I'm going to be a crappy mom and a bitchy wife." No, I don't mean to be that way, but sometimes I am.

I am happiest when I let the pressure off. When I don't expect to get the house spotless or get all the laundry done, those are my happiest days. On those days, i just do what I can do and what I can do is enough. I like those days. But I often feel outward pressure from a variety of sources to keep my house cleaner, do more activities, teach my son more things, spend more time with friends and family, be active in the community, be active for my health...  I do a lot of it for fun, for my own good, and because I want to, but it's still a lot. So I have to let some of it slide, and usually that is the household chores that I slide on. This of course leads to a slippery slope of household chaos.

So where do I find the balance? Who do I let down? My son? My husband? My family? My friends? Myself? I usually end up letting myself down. I take away my personal free time. I take away my workout time. Whatever I can sacrifice from my own expectations so that I can meet the needs of everyone else. I'm almost certain that some mom out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. We put ourselves last all the time. We're told not to. We know we shouldn't. But we inevitably do it. And for me, when I start losing my temper more easily. When I can't pause and take a breath before I react to a frustrating situation (because there are A LOT of those when you are raising a child). Those are the times that I come to realize I haven't done much for myself lately. Or I haven't been able to take the pressure off for a long while. Then I lose my temper by yelling or something else regretful. Then begins the constant cycle of self-criticism on the quality of my parenting.

I know I'm at least an ok mom. My kid is fairly well behaved and he seems to be pretty happy. But I can probably count on one hand already the areas that I feel I've already failed. People constantly tell me that I'm a good mom, but how do I ever know if that's really true? People aren't going to tell me that I'm a bad mom are they? Not likely.

I wish I were more patient. I wish I didn't get frustrated when I can't fix things. I wish I weren't so stubborn. I wish I could hold my temper. I wish I could do it all and still have time to live, laugh, be happy.

I'm sure you have a list too.

But at the end of the day...at the end of my life. I don't want to look back and think "I wish I would have spent more time with him." So the house might be a mess. The laundry might not all get done. So be it.