It's All About Me

Now before you get all crazy with regard to the title of this, please hold onto your panties for a second and hear me out.

As I re-open (so to speak) my blog I realize I haven't posted since 2013. I was well into pregnancy in my last post and on my way to becoming too busy and tired from the third trimester. But if anyone cares to know, I had a beautiful baby boy. He's now approaching 3.

As my son has grown and changed, so has my life. In the last 3 years I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. A human came out of me, so there's that of course, but beside that part it's still a wickedly hard job being a parent. That's the true test of someone's resolve; have a toddler.

I've learned so much these past few years. I've learned that wine is, and will always be, an appropriate coping tonic for parenting hangovers. There are days when my son has me feeling bat-shit crazy. I almost always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. AND no matter how much I'm told that I shouldn't compare myself or my child to others...well I am terribly guilty of that. I am like any parent who gives a f*ck. I want my child to have all the opportunities we can afford for him. I'm always worrying that I'm going to screw him up somehow. I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to be a good mom, wife, friend, sister. And sometimes that pressure gets pretty f*cking heavy. I'm not gonna lie. There were times in the early days of newborn "bliss" that I could do nothing but cry. I was terrified of screwing it all up (sleep deprivation did NOT help). And it's entirely possible that I have screwed him up already in multiple ways. I know one thing I may have screwed up on already...teaching him to drink straight out of the milk carton. I know it's gross. I realize this...on some level. But I still do it. And I have to admit that my son looks ridiculously adorable when he drinks out of a giant half gallon jug. (So, strike one? Probably. He'll never find a life mate now. [sarcasm])

Somewhere along the line I became a stay-at-home parent. We moved in June 2015. A return to the homeland (that being Nebraska. GO BIG RED! ahem...sorry we can't help it.). Our lives flipped. My husband became the bread winner and I the stay-at-home mama (SAHM). This is a job I've actually always wanted! To be my own boss. Have my own schedule. Hahaha Ok, some of that was complete bullshit. I don't really have my own schedule. I have to wake up when my son does. And if I want any grown up alone time I have to wait until after he's in bed and by then I am completely exhausted. So I do have SOME scheduling flexibility in the sense that we can either do fun things together or not. Most of the time we choose to do fun things together because both of us get stir crazy if we're stuck in the house for more than 2 days.

I'm not gonna lie. Being a SAHM was harder than I expected. The weight of it all gets heavy. You want to do everything, but there's only so much time and only so much energy. You want to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife. (Then in the face of that effort you also have people look down on you for not bringing in the money. Who am I kidding...there are people who are going to judge you no matter WHAT you're doing. So learn to deal with it any way that you can.) But as the days went by I started to find ways to organize the chaos, to get out of the house, and to meet new people. I have made a couple unexpected friendships and lost a few as well.

Let me just mention briefly here that the social politics of the SAHM/D world can be fairly similar to the bullshit you dealt with in junior high. It's crazy how rude people can be or just plain mean. I just don't get it. We're all here working our asses off doing the same job. Shouldn't there be at least a little camaraderie? But alas not. Even in the grown up world there are snobs and bitches.

So where in there does it become all about me? Well, it's not about me in the sense that you might be thinking. The self-centered way. It's all about me in the sense that I can be successful at this job of parenting and at life in general if I get in touch with the parts of me that I don't want my son to reflect and work to fix them.

It's all about MY perception, MY mindfulness, and MY willingness to change. I've come a long way from that loudmouth unconfident girl with a confident facade. I don't obsess over what I think others might be thinking about me anymore. It's insane how much focus this has provided me in my daily life. Because I'm not worrying about those snobby moms who look down their noses at me because I let my kid bring his bubble mower to the park. I'm not worrying about the tight little teenagers at the swimming pools looking at my jiggly belly skin while I'm wearing a bikini. I'm not worrying about people judging my tattoos or my hair color. I'm not worrying about the countless number of people scoffing at my parenting, looking sideways, and raising their brows when my toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of Walmart. None of those things are what makes me truly valuable. And none of those people know my value. But the people that DO, well...they get the best of me.

So with that I bid you farewell until my next inspiration comes. Until then...my perception and resolve is about to be tested. Potty training here we come. (Don't judge.)