I have spent most of my life thus far wanting to be someone else; wanting to look like someone else; wanting to act like someone else; anyone but who I really am. And it wasn't until I found a way to let that desire go that I found peace in who I am and be with what is.
So what does that mean; being with what is?: It means exactly as it sounds. It means acceptance of your flaws as a human being, a desire to care for yourself in a way that is nurturing and loving, and being where you are right at that time. For example, in yoga it is pretty typical for a person to curse themselves when they fall out of a pose or can't bend the way others can or whatever it is you are doing that is comparing yourself to someone else's journey. I did that when I first started. It took a while for me to let go of unrealistic expectations and just be where I am. Often we tend to forget that starting a journey means you start at the bottom or the beginning, not in the middle or at the top. So when I started yoga I was very inflexible and my arm were weak. I struggled to keep myself up in down dog for even a short period of time. I couldn't touch my toes hardly. I fell out of poses (and still do). But there was a point that I began to just love me for me. Love my body for what it is and myself for who I am. At that point I was able to get out of my head, stop cursing myself, and just do what I can do. Over time I have strengthened my arms. I can stay in down dog for the length of time I need to stay with my instructor. I have become more flexible in places and can touch the floor now with my palms flat (super huge accomplishment for me). I have become better at clearing my mind and just being in the moment inside myself; calming the storm of life so to speak. That piece has been probably the most profound.
My mom recently visited and, surprisingly, she wanted to join me in a couple sessions of yoga practice. I was delighted to welcome her to this experience. It was a bit of a challenge for me though. I typically do yoga in solitude. It's just the way I like it best. I don't like outside things to interfere with my focus. But I was excited to share with her what I have come to love. She did all the things I remember doing when I first started. Criticizing her inability to move and bend the way I did or the instructor did. Constantly comparing herself to me and Ally. She criticized herself for not having the upper body strength to stay in down dog as long as me. It was like I had a version of myself at the beginning on the mat right next to me.
Now, I could have gotten frustrated with her and given up on my yoga for that day. But instead I chose to approach her with compassion and empathy. I reminded her that she is where she is and to just be there. She's a beginner, and at the beginning we cannot expect to be where someone else is who has been doing this for much longer. I reminded her to be kind to herself. I also intentionally chose some sessions that speak to exactly this: quieting the inner critic, speaking to ones self with a loving voice, and being with what is. I honestly figured that she would not be interested in doing it again after the first time. But she got up with me bright and early (which, if you know my mom is a huge HUGE thing! She typically sleeps until like 10am or noon, sometimes later! But she was up and at it at 5:30am. And not grudgingly either.) I was really proud of her for embracing this experience. And I was really happy to have had the opportunity to share it with her. I can only hope that my being with what is was influential for her. That perhaps she too will come to have a loving inner voice and learn to love herself as I have learned to love myself.
Let's talk meditation: Meditation has been a bit of a challenge for me. As silly as it sounds, I think I needed to be able to strengthen the physical me before I was able to attend to this sort of experience. I've tried it before and because my body was so out of shape I struggled to focus. All I could think about was how bad my back hurt! I slouched a lot and have been working on improving my posture for a long while now. I'm now to the point where it actually hurts to slouch and feels way better to sit up straight. I still catch myself doing it though, bad habit. Since I have strengthened my body I have made an attempt at this again. I still struggle to quiet my mind. I tend to do best with guided meditation and for short amounts of time. And it has been really helpful for me. It has given me a new tool. When the world around me is chaotic, I have somewhere to go to collect myself, breathe, and act more intentionally rather than being reactive. Raising a 3-year-old has given me a ridiculous number of opportunities to practice this (dude, seriously, 3 is way way worse than 2. Consider yourself warned.)
Being with what is and focusing on my breath has been a huge help for me as a parent. I used to have some significant anger issues. I was a quickly lit fuse and would go from zero to rage in a millisecond. I hated it. I hated feeling out of control and I hated losing my temper with my son. It didn't happen all the time, but it happened enough times to make me want to change it. I didn't want him to grow up thinking that was how people were supposed to deal with their anger. And I couldn't stand that look in his eyes when he was genuinely afraid of me. I don't want him to have that kind of parent. I had that kind of parent. I don't want to repeat the cycle. And mindfulness has been an incredibly useful tool. It has definitely taken a lot of intentional practice, but it's becoming more automatic now. When my son losing his shit I notice myself starting to approach the situation with a huge deep breath, a pause, then calm (most of the time...I'm no zen master people, sometimes I lose my shit a little too). I've also been reading this book about mindful discipline. I love it. It has been so helpful to remind me to be with what is and approach my son more with empathy than the desire for obedience. I really feel like this has improved our relationship and brought us closer. I am hoping to lay the groundwork for the future so when he faces something difficult, he knows he can come to me for support and I won't just berate or criticize him. I will actually listen and hear him. So, onward we march. We are "growing up together" in a way. We learn from each other.
The relief: There is this flower called the Lotus flower. It is very symbolic in the yoga world and rightfully so. The lotus flower grows through muddy, murky waters. It is parallel to life. For me it is parallel to my past, full of mud and gloom. But as the flower matures and grows, it finds its way out of the murkiness and blooms beautifully toward the sun.My past has been murky, muddy, and dark. I have struggled with a lot of things and waded through pain that many would not understand. I am not special. A lot of people experience this kind of life. Some worse than others. And it's hard. It's hard to get past it. It's probably one of the hardest things to do in life. But rising above that murky water is like a rebirth of sorts. You get to try again at this thing called life. You can start a new chapter.
I intend to get a new tattoo of this flower on my arm. It will cover a scar from my past and remind me that no matter how hard things get, there is always hope.
The old me was anxious, cluttered (in the mind), a perfectionist, angry, bitter, vengeful, resentful, and mean. That was a version of me racked with self-hate, self-doubt, abandonment issues, personal trauma scars of sexual and psychological abuse that never seemed to heal, and the strongest desire to be anything I'm not. Over time, it seems that I have shed that shell of the old me and yoga has helped me do that. I know a lot of people don't understand yoga and don't get into it with their heart and soul like others do, and that's ok! Whatever journey you are on, it's not mine. I am simply sharing my journey, but have no desire to expect you to walk the same path I am. However, if it is something you have thought about, I encourage you to give it a shot with an open heart and mind. You might just change your whole life.
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