I suppose that's why it's called a Cliché

I find myself living many cliches in life. This post will illustrate yet another I have discovered.

My elders always seemed to tell me that I should appreciate family. That I should want to be near to them. For much of my life I fought this notion. I wanted to be far away. Perhaps maybe I mostly wanted to be far away from the sadness that was our small little immediate family. But things have changed now. We've all grown up..well most of us. Mom and Dad are now divorced and living in different states. And as much as I love my Dad there is something very obvious in his absence and that is...no drama. My dad is one of those kind of people who sit in a room and you can feel it: the simmer, the sense of some unpredictable force that might, at any moment, break loose, and do something terrible. We don't have to worry about that anymore. I feel a tingle of awful inside me saying this, but I am thankful. We all deserve better. He does too, but he won't do it for himself. 


Anyway...as I have grown older I have found a love for family that I never thought I would have. An unconditional love. In the past I used to want this picture perfect family, but knew deep down it would never be real. It's still not...but that's okay. My family is beautiful the way it is. My brother's are wonderful people who I adore with every sliver of my soul. I love them more than words can say or gestures can express. And then I got married and with that came more love. More people to learn to love. haha But in the end here I am almost 30 and thinking to myself...I can't get enough of them. I want to be with them as much as possible. Being 5 hours away from them is far too far. I don't like it one little bit. I used to want to me a million miles away. Now I want to be right there. 


I could give quite a bit of credit to the birth of my first nephew. Ever since I heard about his existence I have been in love with him. Perhaps a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have a strong desire to have babies of my own but haven't yet been lucky enough to have happy accident or anything of that nature. So I live vicariously through my brother and his wife, a little bit. But mostly I just love like that. I feel like my heart is always bursting with more and more love to give. I can never give enough. There's always more behind it. 


Overall, I have learned that my need to be close to family is extremely strong. So if I were the sort to pray I would pray that I get a job soon somewhere close to my family. I am tired of being so far away from people who light up my life. I hope with all my soul that things work out. My heart aches every day. I want it to stop.