I went to bed last night with much fear and sadness in my heart. I can only blame myself as I was obsessively keeping up on the news about what happened in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater earlier yesterday morning. I find myself both disgusted and fascinated by events like this. Disgusted, well need I explain why really? Fascinated because the psychologist in me wants to understand the thinking behind such actions.
So I thought I was okay, but apparently my subconscious was deeply disturbed. Without having been there (and thankfully so) I am left to my imagination of what transpired. I will tell you that my imagination is a vivid and horrid thing sometimes. My dreams then express those things and I am awaken with a heart full of terror. Last night I was ripped from my slumber. I ripped myself awake. In my dream I knew it had to be a dream because it was just too horrific to be real. I dreamed that I was at the movies. I was me and with me. The other me was pregnant and I had gone to the bathroom before the movie started. I stood in the bathroom looking in the mirror when suddenly I heard this "pop, pop, pop". My heart sank and I ran out of the bathroom to see what was going on. As I exited the bathroom I ran into my pregnant self. My pregnant self was in a panic and holding her belly. She appeared to be in pain but there were no signs of injury. I asked what happened and pregnant me said that someone just started shooting a gun in the theater so she ran out, but then started feeling like she was going into labor. It was far too early in the pregnancy to be going into labor so I hurried her to the car to rush her to the hospital. Upon starting to drive I realized that I didn't know where the hospital was, so I tried using my gps to get us there. It was dark and the air was thick so the windshield kept fogging up. I kept having to spray windshield washer fluid on it to clear it. Then it became extremely windy and rainy. I realized we had just went outside in a terrible storm. So, my gps would not work. It was like a hurricane sort of. The wind was so strong it was just ripping giant trees out of the ground. People were not prepared for the storm so they were driving frantically to get to a safe place, but the trees kept blowing all over, smashing into cars and crashing across the roads. I ended up having to turn around in the middle of the road because I reached an area littered with trees. There were police cars and an ambulance there too so I said to myself "I don't think we should go this way." So I turned around only to come up behind a van that had been hit by a flying tree. Standing in the middle of the road staring at the car was a little boy. His face had no expression. He just stared at the van. Behind him an older woman, likely his mother, was screaming and crying, pleading for him to get out of the road. She kept trying to get him to move, but he was frozen there staring at the van. The van he stared at had been smashed on one side. The passenger door in the front was flung open, flapping in the strong gusts of wind. Embedded in the side of the door, was the head of a little girl. Her body dangled limp in the air, her face clung to the car door. It was a horrific sight. So I woke myself up. I lay there in a panic, my heart pounding, jumping inside at every little bump in the night. I was so tired, but terrified to go back to sleep. I didn't want to go back to that dream. I hate it when I have dreams like that. I can't get the images out of my head.
*sigh...Anyway...I'm sure I will never really understand what moves people to commit such atrocities as what happened in Colorado. (And in hundreds of other places all over the world basically every single day) I can't even kill an animal let alone a human being. And I was already fairly afraid of the world. Now maybe more so. I work in a school and every day I have this thought in the back of my mind about being a victim of a school shooting. And this kind of thing could really happen anywhere. At the same time I don't want to be so afraid that I never live my life. It is short enough as it is.
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