Dirty Thirty

As of this very moment, 138 Days, 2 hours, 42 minutes until what might be one of the worst birthdays ever. I really want to be good humored about turning 30. I try really hard to laugh at the jokes people make about me getting old and all that. But not far from the surface is my shudder of terror. The "Oh my freaking god I am going to be 30!" feeling. Where I recall all the things I wanted to do in my life before this time and almost none of them have been completed. I have no children, I didn't travel more and see Europe, and really all I've got to show for this 30 years of living is college loan debt and a job that doesn't pay near enough.

Okay that's not entirely true. I do have more to show for it. Just ten years ago I was a very different person. I was 100% insecure about EVERYTHING. I was mean, angry, bitter, and really unhappy. I carried a lot of baggage, most of which I have successfully let go of. I'm still somewhat insecure, especially about my physical appearance, but I am no where near the "crying in front of the mirror every day" girl that I once was. And heck, I can run a mile now and sometimes more! That's something to me.

So why am I so unhappy about this number? Society tells us that 30 is basically the end of your life. After this you are considered old. But I don't feel old, I don't look old (contrary to what some rude people might say to me), and heck 30 isn't even half my life (hopefully). So why am I so upset?

Perhaps it has more to do with feeling like I have failed at some of the things I wished for by now. Mostly the whole baby thing. For years I have watched people around me having babies and creating little families. I have longed for that for years. I feel kind of like Monica from Friends...you know, the one who is already a mom, but without a baby (okay for some of you that might be from another generation). I feel a little emptiness inside me. I feel like I should have this by now. And I have to wonder if it will ever happen for me. People keep telling me to be patient, it'll happen, blah blah. But they don't know. They can't predict the future. All they're doing is saying positive things that, for me, don't really encourage me in the least bit. Because again, they don't know! What if there is something wrong and we can't have kids. There are lots of people in this world who can't have children. What if we are one of those couples? It's not as easy to procreate as everyone has led us to believe. Not to mention it's very expensive. And I planned to have gone to college so I could get a good job and be able to provide for a family in ways that my parents never did. But financially I feel like I am still in college. The more money I make the more expensive everything becomes so I only break even, never coming out on top. It's so frustrating.

On a positive thought again, I can say that getting to this age has helped me discover the value of family and friends. It has enabled me to mature to a point where I find having good relationships is one of the most important things in life and that being close to family is vital. If I ever do have those little babies (or baby) I dream of, I want them to know a large family. I want them to know their aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I want family to be family, not strangers.