I've been thinking about this kind of as a self-reflection. This year in my personal life and at work I've really become aware of my intense fear of face-to-face communication with others. It intrigues me to notice this in myself and I have to wonder where it came from.
When I recall my younger years...back when there were no cell phones or internet connections to speak of...I talked on the phone with my friends and family whenever I got the chance. I would get so excited when the phone rang, thinking "Who could it be?!" "Is it for me?!". I would talk for hours and hours with my BFF about really nothing at all, probably boys mostly. But that DID happen.
And now, I have email, instant messaging, and a personal cell phone. All of which were designed to enable closer, more frequent, and more availability in communication with others, yet I find myself more disconnected than ever before. I feel an instant shudder of fear when my phone rings now. I wonder, "Who is it?" "Why would someone be calling me?" Sometimes I see who it is and I AM excited to talk to them. I think, "Oh wow they thought of me enough to call!". Some people simply get declined on a regular basis because I cannot overcome the fear of talking to them, hearing their voice, or have much to say really. And it's worse with the older generation who still have not embraced the beauty of email or texting...worse for me anyway.
Perhaps it is because I have become accustomed to the ability to think before responding. With that I can come across as being more witty, wise, or intelligent. I am not burdened by my inability to think on my feet or say something I shouldn't out of anger or irritation. With text or email I can really put thought into what I say. It keeps me safe and in control.
Or maybe that's it right there! CONTROL! I can't even remember a time in my life where I wasn't trying to gain control over something that seemed uncontrollable. In childhood it was my temper, it was my parents, my siblings, my friends, my life, my looks, my weight...and not much has changed. At least now my control is used in an attempt to make peace among others and encourage those around me to love one another and be happy. So I suppose that's good....but I digress.
Back to the subject here. I really started thinking about this more lately when a relative was telling me about her 10-year-old daughter being bullied through text message on her cell phone. My first thought really was...Why the heck does a 10-year-old have their own cell phone and that much communicative freedom? Talking to my husband about this I realize I am perhaps already out of touch. I think kids should be getting permission to call their friends, to communicate with them, because that's how it was when I was a kid. But back then we had one family phone, which we all shared. We asked permission to use it and we asked permission to visit a friend. I think kids still ask for permission to physically visit a friend, but nowadays with kids having their own personal phones their communication is open. I'm not saying that bullying wouldn't happen if these kids didn't have cell phones. I don't think that at all. Bullying has always existed and probably always will, it's just that the new technology allowing us to communicate more freely has also given way to alternative methods of negative interaction as well. It's an inevitable result in any advance in technology I suppose. Where good can be done, so can evil.
So, I find it very interesting how advancements in technology meant to bring us closer together have actually set forth some invisible boundaries that we tend to cling to. Perhaps we need the safety of distance to communicate with others, the sense of security when speaking ones mind to another, the anonymity that text can provide in some situations, and a sense of control over our communication experiences. Are these a bad thing? I suppose it could be see in many ways. In some ways I do think it's bad simply because it has created distance among people and physical interaction with communication. We are somewhat perpetually lonely individuals isolating ourselves physically and communicating only through technology. But at the same time it doesn't HAVE to be that way. We can all choose to use the myriad of technology around us to be MORE connected. Heck you can Skype for free and actually SEE the person you are speaking with. This would be awesome for me personally if my family would get on board. Then I could call up and see them via the computer and it wouldn't feel like we're so far apart!
In the end, I'm still not entirely certain where this fear came from, but I have some ideas. For me, personally I think it's my overwhelming expectation to strive for being perfect and in control. I don't like to look the fool so I enjoy planning my conversational responses to others. I don't think well on my feet, especially when extremely anxious, and I have a strong desire to have control over any and everything possible. I guess that probably comes from my childhood where I felt like I had zero control so now as an adult I still long for that. While my mom was very encouraging, my father was not so much. He always had a way of taking you down a couple notches if you found yourself filled with even an ounce of confidence. Even if you were really good at something, there was always something to be found that was imperfect. Having that pointed out to one on a regular basis tends to make a person focus on the negative aspects of everything! I've worked hard to get away from that kind of thinking, but it still creeps in a lot of the time.
Anyway...so something to think about. Something for all of us to think about. How do we connect with the people we love and care for? Do we connect at all or enough? And when/if I become a mom someday, will I let my own child have their own cell phone before they are 13 or older?! I honestly don't know!
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