Lately I have found myself slipping in confidence. Maybe it's the person who decided I was not worth being kind to "as a friend" or maybe it's the scale that keeps telling me the same number despite my daily efforts for fitness.
I've been slightly discouraged with my weight. I can honestly say I don't know why. When I look in the mirror I'm not unhappy. I feel pretty. I feel fit. I feel better about myself than I have in years. But for some reason I think I should be smaller. I've been this size for a very long time now. I haven't lost any weight at all. I go up and down about 3 to 5 pounds, but mostly I never go below 150. I don't know why this bothers me.
I guess for a while I've been happy with myself. I've been happy with what I've been doing fitness-wise and eating and all of that. And I still feel a bit of a nagging voice inside me that says I should be thinner. It tries to tell me that I'm not eating little enough portions or I'm eating too often or I'm not trying hard enough. Is this my little negative inner critic trying to come back at me or is it something I need to hear? I don't know. Whatever it is, it makes me feel like crap. It makes me doubt myself and feel sad. It makes me look in the mirror with distaste instead of pride. I don't like it.
Whatever the cause, I can say for certain that I am extremely thankful for certain people in my life who remind me about the things that really matter. Girls/women who have seen that scale say the same thing, but by photographic evidence have definitely seen true results in reshaping their body, and their hearts. These people are the kind of people I want to surround myself with. These are the people who lift each other up, are nonjudgmental, and just real. These are the ladies I look toward for validation.
Besides dealing with the occasional relapse in self-ick, I am also going through some other things that just feel...heavy. We all have those times. We all take on things we should not, bear burdens that aren't our own, weigh ourselves down with weights that should not be ours. It's hard not to. We just want our fellow humans to be hopeful, happy, full of self-love. And it's hard to watch someone you care about just piss themselves away. It's hard to watch someone make bad choices. It's hard to listen to someone who is so mean to themselves.
But without us, the ones that are willing to hear...to bear the weight for a little while...well, where would we be? It is because of people who were willing to hold me up when I could not hold myself up that I am where I am today. But you have to be careful. You have to be careful that the weight of others doesn't pull you down too. There are times...maybe the hardest of them...that you have to let go. You have to let them drown in order to preserve your own self. I suppose that could be seen as an awful thing. But sometimes you come across people who just aren't willing to even try to help themselves. And those are the people who will bring you down with them. You cannot let that happen.
So, I pretty much said nothing to conclude this post. It's a mush of random thoughts. I suppose that is how my mind is going right now. I'm finding it difficult to get a grip. But this is the real journey, is it not? No matter how hard we try, no matter how much success we have, there is always a little snag, a bump. It's how we face it and deal with it that matters, right?
Nothing lasts forever. Not the good. Not the bad. Nothing. Everything has an end...well except maybe outer space and math. But you get what I mean here. I'll bounce back. I'll suck it up and face this nagging feeling and move on. Because I won't let it crush me. I just won't.
And...fuck the scale.
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