Potty Training - What Worked For Us

Potty training was...what's the word I'm looking for here...terrifying. The terror comes from my own perfectionistic issues and the fact that I really want to be good at being a mom. Also I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to planning things, particularly things that involve the wellbeing of other people. And whenever I get into something that I don't feel like I'm already an expert at I worry that I'm going to screw it all up. And if I screw THIS up then I'm hurting my kid, so that's some pretty significant pressure.

I honestly believe he was ready before we were. There was one shining moment in time where he indicated he was probably ready, but I had so much research to do!!! I hadn't read much about it at all. I mean I have, but I didn't feel like an expert.

In all the research I did I discovered that every kid is so completely different than another that there is almost no way to know exactly what is going to work until you're in the thick of it. Also, everyone says different things. Everyone has a different experience, a different opinion, etc. etc. And most of the books about potty training are written from anecdotal experiences as professionals in a variety of areas. So the more research I did, the more I felt like I was drowning in information but could make no use of it.

Originally I had decided to do it right after his 3rd birthday. Then our family decided to do a zoo trip before this year was over AND I was impatient to start this potty training business. So we happened to have an immediate 2-week window where nothing much was going on and I jumped right in.

Much of my research indicated that boys are late potty trainers and it's perfectly acceptable to wait until they are 3. At the same time, I read an equal amount of anecdotes about boys who were able to potty train sooner. So...no one really knows.

I decided to go with the book

Available on Amazon.com

There were positives and negatives with regard to this method and the author.

Let me first say that the impression I get from this book about Glowacki is that she is a fairly blunt, crass, and opinionated lady. She can be incredibly condescending and gives the impression that she feels her way is the only way, the best way, and she is the best at making it happen. If things go wrong, it's because the parents didn't follow her directions to a tea like she expects. None of what I read in here is really based on science. It's mostly all from her own experiences, and while that is certainly valid, I feel like she clumps all kids into her experience bubble and if any one child deviates from her personal experiences then it's really not worth addressing because (and I'm paraphrasing here) in all here years of experience she's only had 1 or 2 kids who behaved that way.

It was also quite insulting (more so to my husband who was once a stay-at-home-dad) that she presents this process from a presumption that the only person doing the potty training will be mom. She even has a section specifically intended for dads to read where she basically says she knows she's making huge generalizations based on her work in "the real world" and it really isn't meant to alienate anyone, but then she continues to write the entire book in this manner. So like she knows she's kind of being offensive and its not meant to be, but she leaves it as it is. Umm...ok?? She rarely refers to "parents" or focuses on any areas where a mom or dad would be better or worse in helping. It's very mom-centric, which in this day is extremely out of touch with social reality. I honestly didn't really even notice it until my husband read it. I just related to a lot of it, but didn't think how it would come across to someone that wasn't her exact target audience.

That said, she is also an experienced social worker and has helped many parents potty train their child. So I respected her training and experience. I also respected the process she presented.

Another thing to be aware of is that she is very stuck on the idea that a parent must potty train during the "Golden Window" (between 20 and 30 months) regardless of gender, temperament, or developmental stage. I personally think this is total bullshit. Even when I wasn't super sure that he was ready, there were plenty of signs to indicate that he was. He just didn't know any other way. He had to learn a new way to do things and he was prepared for it developmentally. So I call shenanigans on this theory of the "Golden Window". I believe there are developmental signs of readiness and these are more important to attend to than their chronological age.

If you decide to use this book and you are doing it outside of her magic window, read Chapter 15 first because it will at least provide some relief for you and NOT make you feel like you've already completely screwed it all up and are therefore a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad parent. I started from the beginning and went into complete panic mode.

So why on earth did I choose this book? Well, all condescension and arrogance aside, her foundational ideas with relation to developmental child psychology made perfect sense to me. When I filter through the parts I didn't like about her writing style and presentation I see a method that allows a more natural learning process to occur. I'm not putting him on the potty at certain intervals and expecting him to go. This method centers around the child more; learning his/her own bodily cues and the natural consequences and feelings that come with success or accidents.

A Brief Process Synopsis & How It Worked For Us

[Block 1] Naked Day(s) & House Arrest - In the beginning, her expectation is that the child is naked (at least from the waist down) all day (for as many days as it takes for them to begin to recognize that they are peeing/pooping). Everyone participating in this process stays home. I recommend that both parents be around or if you have a friend or family member that can be there to help out, do this! It is EXTREMELY exhausting and stressful being the only one, and you really need a tag team for this phase so that you (the parent) can still have some normalcy in your day and be able to go to the bathroom yourself too (as well as a couple extra hands to help clean up inevitable messes).

Her recommendation was to be on the kid like white on rice. I'm sorry, but that shit is just plain crazy. Even the most focused person cannot sit there all day staring at a child to learn their potty cues and prompt accordingly without going completely mad. And who on earth is going to feel no pressure when his/her parents are suddenly staring at them all day? Um...no one I know.

So day one drove me bat-shit crazy. I am not the kind of person that can sit and stare at my child all day long. I love him to death, don't get me wrong here. But sometimes...well...he's kind of boring. I know he's having a great time, but I can play trains for only so long before my attention moves elsewhere.

Being on him "like white on rice" did not work for him either. My son wants to do things on his own. He is extremely proud of becoming a big boy. He almost never wants my help or anyone's help with anything. He also can't be pushed into things. He has always always done things in his own time and exactly when he feels ready. He doesn't like to struggle or fail. But he observes and learns then when he's ready it's just like BOOM...suddenly he's speaking in complete sentences when just last week he was barely saying more than 'mom' & 'dad'. I mean seriously! He just amazes me. I panic, then suddenly he's all like "I got this mom, no worries." But I digress. Anyway, we all became frustrated with the watching. So we backed off a bit and observed frequently from a distance. We'd prompt randomly things like "Do you feel like you need to go potty?". He'd say no, then I would remind him what he needs to do when he does feel like he needs to and walk away. Showing him that I trusted him with this very big responsibility seemed to encourage him more to do it on his own. Once we backed off, he just did it. It was (I dare say...because some mom out there is going to want to wring my neck for it) really kind of easy!

Here's why though. He was ready. I felt like developmentally he was in a place where he understood what was expected, but just wasn't really sure how to approach it. So once we sort of 'taught' him how to go about doing it, it just clicked. He wasn't forced into it. We encouraged him to try, but didn't make him try. And for him that worked.

Now, there was also one hiccup in the plan. Bribery. I read so many times that in this one situation, bribery is encouraged. The book I chose was against it (and as much as I hate to admit it, she was sort of right). In our case we chose to use rewards for going. And it backfired big time. Once he realized he got a reward for it, he wouldn't get off the potty. He'd just sit and wait until the next "movement" and want a reward. You could say he was highly motivated. Except we wanted him to learn the 'feelings' of needing to go. So we had to tweak it a little. We began to reward for the expected behavior and got more specific about it. It wasn't just for going in the potty, but another condition of the reward was that it had to be spontaneous. We explained what that meant and how it would look, each scenario. And that worked great! We did phase out of the rewards quickly (like by the end of the weekend). We told him that once he runs out of rewards that means he's potty trained (we're done training) and now all he has to do is keep practicing what he's learned. At the end we told him he graduated and he got a big prize.

Other things we did in the beginning block were things like having the potty chair in a central and connected location. Meaning he could get there quickly and not miss out on too much of the household activities. (We are slowly moving it toward the bathroom as his bladder control gets better) We read books if he felt like he needed to go and we practiced waiting. Now he sometimes reads on his own or we read a couple to him.

We also decided to go ahead with night training too because he was already waking up dry after naps for a really long while (that's the typical cue for night training readiness). I think we went about 3 weeks of consistent dry post-nap diaper.  At night I don't allow fluids after dinner and so far he's been dry in the morning. I also had the potty in his room for the first few nights. I put a glow stick underneath it to illuminate it through the night and if he needed to go he would be able to see it without turning on too many lights.



[Block 2] Commando & [Block 3] Underpants & Longer Outings - Phase two will last as long as it needs to. The transition is supposed to be when they no longer have accidents while wearing pants/dresses. Parents are encouraged to take short outings to practice and encourage success to build confidence. We are giving him the choice to wear underpants or not. I understand that there is worry there that the underpants will feel too much like a diaper, but I really don't feel like you need to necessarily wait as long as she recommends to start with the underpants. We let him go either way, in both situations he "tested it out" once, and we have had very few accidents. But what works for my kid might not work for another. So use your own judgement on that one. I think he was getting confused because he kept seeing in books and other things that being a big boy meant to wear big boy underpants. If we sat there telling him he's a big boy then didn't allow him to wear underpants when he asked....well I can see how that might be confusing. So we just decided to let him choose.

Mostly the issue now is getting the pants down in time. I keep telling him to "push" them down, but he pulls them so it takes longer.

I am still quite terrified of extended outings. We tried the park the other day and that went well. We're both getting pretty stir crazy now, but I am so afraid he'll have an accident and just be mortified...or NOT be mortified. I don't know which is worse.

We're still working and practicing. He's done a pretty awesome job at this. I'm super proud of him.

Overall, I'd say that the basic premise of this process is good. It's more child-centered and allows for natural learning to take place. I liked the different "Blocks", but didn't really agree on the time frame expectancy for those. I really think you just have to go with your gut sometimes. If you feel like your child is ready to do something, then let them do it. Teach them, support them. This method allows for that. For my son, it worked. We had to make it our own, but the basics were there.

What I didn't like is that there are not enough troubleshooting sections for a variety of situations, she comes across as arrogant and condescending, and I would have appreciated if she would have started the book with chapter 15. I think the book could be written in a more inclusive format for other types of caregivers other than just moms.

But as I said before, the process is a good one. It worked for us anyway! (as about a gazillion other parents would say about whatever method they chose haha) So if this interests you and you can look past the negatives and just use the book as more of a guide rather than a manual, you might like it. You might not really need the book either, if you understand how to do the process. A good resource here would be: http://www.lucieslist.com/toddlerhood/the-two-day-method-potty-training/

Happy Potty Training!

10 Things I Wish I'd Have Known Before Becoming a Mom

1.  You're going to have to baby proof your house. Save yourself a little bit of money and just toddler proof it. Yes that's a thing. They figure out half of those baby safe gadgets. My favorite one is this handy dandy contraption: Child Proof Deluxe Door Top Lock 



They figure out those door things. At least mine did. This was the best thing. Would've saved some money going straight to locking the top of the doors. And if those don't work for you, try these. I personally love them. Compared to some of the other door/cabinet/drawer safety gadgets, this one is (to me) the easiest to undo in a pinch. I use them for drawers that I don't want him to get into and my in-laws have used them for their entryway doors that doorknob safety gadgets and my top lock doesn't work for. With this latch you can put it in their reach. Their little hands won't be strong enough to open them for a long while.

2. If you like to run, walk, or be active in any way, go ahead and buy a jogging stroller. You'll want it later if you don't. AND you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on a good one. There are very highly rated ones on Amazon for a reasonable price.

3. Buying clothes for your child isn't as fun as you thought it would be. Because you never know what is going to fit or not. So annoying. And if you have a boy...well good luck! No matter where I go, the boys section is always significantly smaller than the girls section. There are far fewer cute things for boys too, especially around holidays. It's so irritating.

4. People without children just don't get it. This is not to be mean. It's just reality. I thought I got it. I tend to be a very empathetic person and as someone who works with children and their parents on a daily basis (or at least I did while I was a working mom) it was imperative that I empathize with what parents are dealing with when it comes to their child. And as much as I thought I understood the desires they had for their children to be amazing, successful, loved, cared for, respected, etc...I didn't truly understand it. Lots of people told me that I could not understand what it's like for them because I did not have children of my own. And to some extent, they were right. It's similar to that cliche that no one understands how much their parents loved them until they have one of their own (for lots of parents...NOT all, mind you. I'm making a generalization here that all parents have this deep love for their child, but truth be told, that isn't always the case). You just can't understand it unless you're in it. You can't understand why parents "wouldn't change a thing" even when their child is acting crazy and they are delirious with sleep deprivation. Yes, having children is pretty hard in so many ways. But they are incredible. It's just amazing to watch them grow and learn. They really are worth it. <3

5. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have snacks available when out and about. If a child becomes hangry they are the absolute worst version of themselves and they will flip the crazy switch no matter how well behaved they normally are.

6. If you have a very wiggly sleeper, chances are you're going to have issues with diapers at night time. Mine always woke up saying his diaper was hurting him. I'd find scratch marks and pinches every morning. Sometimes it would just fall half off. I tried night time pull ups, and those are good IF your child is still peeing a LOT at night. It might not be the MOST comfortable, but it's probably going to be more comfortable than the diapers and it will hold the pee. Once my son started peeing less at night I finally found a pull up that worked perfectly. Pampers Easy Ups Training Underwear was our favorite. These ones did not have the velcro-like pull away sides (that almost always inevitably came undone somehow and were so scratchy). They are easy to tear away at the sides if you have to take them off that way (for a poop). They held his night pees very well. He loved them for sleeping in. (Please note that this was all prior to potty training. I am not promoting the use of pull ups during potty training.)

7. Don't get a dog before a baby. Now, this is not the case for everyone. I have heard and known of many dogs who are just AWESOME pre-baby doggies. But many of them are not. And at the introduction of this new tiny person who takes all their attention away then gets bigger and tries to squish them with love or chase them around the house with toys, many dogs do not appreciate the new family member. Ours most certainly did not. He's almost three now and she's only now begun to warm up to him. But she mostly doesn't like him.

Also cats. Cats are assholes. Having them before or after a child doesn't really matter because they will be assholes regardless. And be prepared for your child to get scratched a lot. And maybe even bit on a regular basis. Although, once again, I have known a lot of people with cats who are awesome. It's luck of the draw with these beasts. So take my advice lightly here.

8. Invest in a carpet shampooer. You will not regret it.

9. You will end up putting a shit ton (That is a legit measurement, right? I'm gonna go with 'yes') of clothes in storage. And clothes in storage get stale and funky smelling. BUT I have discovered (thanks to my amazing sister-in-law who always smells really good) that there are real ways to prevent stale clothing smell (this also works for storing sheets and blankets!). Gain Original Scent Laundry soap is amazing.



I have clothes that were stored for over a year that were washed in this stuff and they came out of storage smelling exactly as if I had washed them yesterday.

It's also a useful trick to use those smelly laundry beads by dumping them in a cloth satchel and tossing that into your storage space (go easy though, that shit is strong!).

10. They really do grow up too fast. It's mind boggling and bittersweet. You want them to grow up and become amazing human beings, but at the same time that's your baby! There are so many moments I didn't realize I should have savored. So many lasts that I wasn't prepared for.

I'm a Slob

This is my ideal way of thinking. I'd have to say that most of the time, this is where I am. I want to spend the days I have being a stay at home mom (SAHM) being with my son. I waited so long to meet him, and I just can't get enough. So my house is a bit disheveled now and then (sometimes perpetually if we're really being honest here). But I love that my home looks "lived in". I love to look around my house and see that my son has been playing. I do not allow us to live in squalor. I do at least clean enough to make the house clean. But it can still look like a tornado passed through. I am admittedly a slob and it really does take a great deal of effort on my part to clean up after myself. I know this sounds incredibly pathetic, but it's the truth. No use in sugar coating it. But primarily I let things go because I'd rather hang out with my kid (or take a nap...because yes moms need naps sometimes).

I've tried keeping the house in a perpetual state of clean and at the end of those days, my heart feels a little hollow. I feel like I spent the day doing chores and I miss my son. On those days I feel like a shitty mom because I wasn't there. I wasn't attentive.

I think perhaps that this is a constant circle of inner conflict for me (and most likely a thousand other moms...or maybe every single one of them). Society leads me to believe that the expectation of me as a mom is to be a great teacher, patient, keep a clean and organized home, be available, be busy, be productive, pinterest, craft, etc. etc. etc....  And the problem with me is that I have not been able to meet society's expectations, my husband's expectations, or mine. As I try to please all of them I get caught in a whirlwind of stress. I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect mom. And when I feel like I have failed at that, I get frustrated, angry, and sad. I hate feeling like a failure, especially at this. This is where I sometimes catch myself taking out my internal pressure and failure to perform on those I love. I admit it. I can really be a bitch sometimes. I don't mean to be. I don't wake up in the morning and think to myself "Ok today I'm going to be a crappy mom and a bitchy wife." No, I don't mean to be that way, but sometimes I am.

I am happiest when I let the pressure off. When I don't expect to get the house spotless or get all the laundry done, those are my happiest days. On those days, i just do what I can do and what I can do is enough. I like those days. But I often feel outward pressure from a variety of sources to keep my house cleaner, do more activities, teach my son more things, spend more time with friends and family, be active in the community, be active for my health...  I do a lot of it for fun, for my own good, and because I want to, but it's still a lot. So I have to let some of it slide, and usually that is the household chores that I slide on. This of course leads to a slippery slope of household chaos.

So where do I find the balance? Who do I let down? My son? My husband? My family? My friends? Myself? I usually end up letting myself down. I take away my personal free time. I take away my workout time. Whatever I can sacrifice from my own expectations so that I can meet the needs of everyone else. I'm almost certain that some mom out there reading this knows exactly what I'm talking about. We put ourselves last all the time. We're told not to. We know we shouldn't. But we inevitably do it. And for me, when I start losing my temper more easily. When I can't pause and take a breath before I react to a frustrating situation (because there are A LOT of those when you are raising a child). Those are the times that I come to realize I haven't done much for myself lately. Or I haven't been able to take the pressure off for a long while. Then I lose my temper by yelling or something else regretful. Then begins the constant cycle of self-criticism on the quality of my parenting.

I know I'm at least an ok mom. My kid is fairly well behaved and he seems to be pretty happy. But I can probably count on one hand already the areas that I feel I've already failed. People constantly tell me that I'm a good mom, but how do I ever know if that's really true? People aren't going to tell me that I'm a bad mom are they? Not likely.

I wish I were more patient. I wish I didn't get frustrated when I can't fix things. I wish I weren't so stubborn. I wish I could hold my temper. I wish I could do it all and still have time to live, laugh, be happy.

I'm sure you have a list too.

But at the end of the day...at the end of my life. I don't want to look back and think "I wish I would have spent more time with him." So the house might be a mess. The laundry might not all get done. So be it.

It's All About Me

Now before you get all crazy with regard to the title of this, please hold onto your panties for a second and hear me out.

As I re-open (so to speak) my blog I realize I haven't posted since 2013. I was well into pregnancy in my last post and on my way to becoming too busy and tired from the third trimester. But if anyone cares to know, I had a beautiful baby boy. He's now approaching 3.

As my son has grown and changed, so has my life. In the last 3 years I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. A human came out of me, so there's that of course, but beside that part it's still a wickedly hard job being a parent. That's the true test of someone's resolve; have a toddler.

I've learned so much these past few years. I've learned that wine is, and will always be, an appropriate coping tonic for parenting hangovers. There are days when my son has me feeling bat-shit crazy. I almost always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. AND no matter how much I'm told that I shouldn't compare myself or my child to others...well I am terribly guilty of that. I am like any parent who gives a f*ck. I want my child to have all the opportunities we can afford for him. I'm always worrying that I'm going to screw him up somehow. I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to be a good mom, wife, friend, sister. And sometimes that pressure gets pretty f*cking heavy. I'm not gonna lie. There were times in the early days of newborn "bliss" that I could do nothing but cry. I was terrified of screwing it all up (sleep deprivation did NOT help). And it's entirely possible that I have screwed him up already in multiple ways. I know one thing I may have screwed up on already...teaching him to drink straight out of the milk carton. I know it's gross. I realize this...on some level. But I still do it. And I have to admit that my son looks ridiculously adorable when he drinks out of a giant half gallon jug. (So, strike one? Probably. He'll never find a life mate now. [sarcasm])

Somewhere along the line I became a stay-at-home parent. We moved in June 2015. A return to the homeland (that being Nebraska. GO BIG RED! ahem...sorry we can't help it.). Our lives flipped. My husband became the bread winner and I the stay-at-home mama (SAHM). This is a job I've actually always wanted! To be my own boss. Have my own schedule. Hahaha Ok, some of that was complete bullshit. I don't really have my own schedule. I have to wake up when my son does. And if I want any grown up alone time I have to wait until after he's in bed and by then I am completely exhausted. So I do have SOME scheduling flexibility in the sense that we can either do fun things together or not. Most of the time we choose to do fun things together because both of us get stir crazy if we're stuck in the house for more than 2 days.

I'm not gonna lie. Being a SAHM was harder than I expected. The weight of it all gets heavy. You want to do everything, but there's only so much time and only so much energy. You want to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife. (Then in the face of that effort you also have people look down on you for not bringing in the money. Who am I kidding...there are people who are going to judge you no matter WHAT you're doing. So learn to deal with it any way that you can.) But as the days went by I started to find ways to organize the chaos, to get out of the house, and to meet new people. I have made a couple unexpected friendships and lost a few as well.

Let me just mention briefly here that the social politics of the SAHM/D world can be fairly similar to the bullshit you dealt with in junior high. It's crazy how rude people can be or just plain mean. I just don't get it. We're all here working our asses off doing the same job. Shouldn't there be at least a little camaraderie? But alas not. Even in the grown up world there are snobs and bitches.

So where in there does it become all about me? Well, it's not about me in the sense that you might be thinking. The self-centered way. It's all about me in the sense that I can be successful at this job of parenting and at life in general if I get in touch with the parts of me that I don't want my son to reflect and work to fix them.

It's all about MY perception, MY mindfulness, and MY willingness to change. I've come a long way from that loudmouth unconfident girl with a confident facade. I don't obsess over what I think others might be thinking about me anymore. It's insane how much focus this has provided me in my daily life. Because I'm not worrying about those snobby moms who look down their noses at me because I let my kid bring his bubble mower to the park. I'm not worrying about the tight little teenagers at the swimming pools looking at my jiggly belly skin while I'm wearing a bikini. I'm not worrying about people judging my tattoos or my hair color. I'm not worrying about the countless number of people scoffing at my parenting, looking sideways, and raising their brows when my toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of Walmart. None of those things are what makes me truly valuable. And none of those people know my value. But the people that DO, well...they get the best of me.

So with that I bid you farewell until my next inspiration comes. Until then...my perception and resolve is about to be tested. Potty training here we come. (Don't judge.)