So I read this article...

http://www.madinamerica.com/2012/02/why-anti-authoritarians-are-diagnosed-as-mentally-ill/

There are a couple parts that describe me almost perfectly.

Anti-authoritarians question whether an authority is a legitimate one before taking that authority seriously. Evaluating the legitimacy of authorities includes assessing whether or not authorities actually know what they are talking about, are honest, and care about those people who are respecting their authority. And when anti-authoritarians assess an authority to be illegitimate, they challenge and resist that authority—sometimes aggressively and sometimes passive-aggressively, sometimes wisely and sometimes not.

Many people with severe anxiety and/or depression are also anti-authoritarians. Often a major pain of their lives that fuels their anxiety and/or depression is fear that their contempt for illegitimate authorities will cause them to be financially and socially marginalized; but they fear that compliance with such illegitimate authorities will cause them existential death.

I've been kind of dealing with this issue lately. I think the hardest part about dealing with an authority figure that I don't respect is hearing what some people tell me about how to deal with it. Basically they simply tell me to deal with it and get over it...that I have to comply with these incompetent rulers just because they are in power. But I am innately unable to accept that. Just hearing the words is like someone stabbing me in the heart. Honestly, for me to follow someone or something blindly and without question is like feeling my soul die. My conscience cannot accept it. I want to do good in the world and to help others and when idiotic, power hungry people get in the way of that the advocate side of me wants to trump their authority fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. At the same time I know it is a potentially great sacrifice for me to go on this kind of mission.

So what to do? Give up the passion or continue to fight? People who give up don't make change in the world. If on my death bed I look back at my life could I really be satisfied if I spent my whole life rolling over in blind obedience? I don't know if I'm capable of that, but I know I can't just think of myself either.

Perhaps what I need to do is learn how to play the game...learn the politics so I can do what needs to be done without always getting myself into trouble.

I don't know if I will ever understand the mind of an evil person.

I don't blog because I think people care what my thoughts are. Honestly, I doubt many care at all. I guess it's kind of my way to make my thoughts immortal...to show evidence somewhere out there that I existed.

Last night I had a dream that my cat, Derby, came back. Then he gave birth to a litter of 4 kittens. What was funny is how surprised I was that Derby turned out to be a girl and this whole time I thought he was a boy. Then I decided to keep one of the kittens, just in case I lost Derby again. It was an all white kitty with a cream colored spot on his chest. Then the freaky thing was that two of the kittens decided to commit suicide so they threw their bodies up against the garage and killed themselves. It was so sad. And in my dream I had kids, 2 of them, and then they asked me why the kittens committed suicide and I didn't know what to tell them.

I'm awfully curious about whether someone ever truly "gets over' the loss of someone they love. My grandpa passed away only a little over 3 years ago and still I cry sometimes when I think of him. I still miss him just as much.

I concur...

Why hate? I just don't get it.

Evil makes me so sad. I will never understand how someone could do horrible things to another person or creature. I just won't. It's a horrible, sad, and painful thing to witness atrocious acts done by an individual to another. As a person just hearing of it I feel helpless and broken hearted. How can we allow these things to happen? And without repercussion for the perpetrators? How can people sleep at night knowing that evil acts are going unpunished? I don't know. I'm very bothered by that.