The river does not cut through the mountain solely because of its strength,
but also because of its persistence.
This is not the correct phrase. Usually, the phrase disregards the strength in exchange for persistence. I tend to disagree about them being mutually exclusive.
I have breathed oxygen with my own mouth and lungs for a bit over 36 years now. And I can honestly tell you that I cannot recall a time in my life that I did not have to be afraid. If there was a time, my mind has removed that memory from me. But as far as my mind knows, I have lived almost my entire life in fear, in flight. I have a small handful of good memories. And at the moment I'm actually diving into ones I have tried to avoid for years.
So, it's been a challenge. But at the same time, I have suddenly discovered something I never had before - - - freedom.
I FB stalked my cousin. The one who left the most profound dark mark on me. He took advantage of a young child and made her feel like she had an obligation to allow him to touch her in ways no one ever has before. It was horrifying. As a child. As an adult. I took those darknesses and boxed them up tighter than I ever knew. But after my first phase of EMDR therapy, I can honestly say I feel like I am in an alien place.
I have never thought of this person's face without disgust or shame. For him, for what happened, and towards myself. But some of that thinking was way wrong. I was just a little girl. A child. It was NOT my fault. I was not at fault for some sick person using me for their sick personal gain. It was not my fault for being a child, and not knowing how to respond to such an attack on my personal and private self.
I had not realized how much I still carried self-blame for what happened to me. But when I opened the box, out came all this self-hate and blame. And I had to process that. I had to face it and re-dictate my inner dialogue.
And it has been so hard. I saw this phrase about a river cutting through a mountain, not because of its strength, but because of its persistence. It bothered me a little. Because I think the strength of that river is underestimated. Sure maybe on the surface, it looks cool and calm, but underneath it's raging, cutting rocks, moving soil, changing the landscape. And that takes strength. Not to mention the fact that the current could sweep you away in a moment.
So, I am in a strange place right now. Strange in the sense that I feel things I never felt before, like real joy and peace. Then I become worried about my vulnerability. I feel exposed. Unsafe. Unprotected. But each time I take a step forward I am met with loving hands and caring hearts. It's strange to say that it's weird to feel genuine joy. Sustained genuine joy even!
And, if I'm being honest, I'm not entirely convinced yet that it is sustained. I've been up and down this coaster all my life. And the dips just keep getting deeper and darker. I don't want to ride it forever, but I am not entirely convinced yet that it's possible to get off this ride.
But, if it is any consolation...I am hopeful. It's my only thread. The one that keeps me going. That little teeny thread of hope...
that one of these days I will be free from my past completely.
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