My Mind is Pandemonium

My mind is constantly swimming with thoughts.

Work is working me to the bone. Kicking my ass every day. I feel as exhausted as a mother of 8! Okay well I don't really know what that feels like but I imagine it's pretty tiring. I have no free minutes in the day and even take work home at night just to keep up. I even thought I should work this weekend but my husband thinks I will lose my mind if I don't take some time for myself. He's right...

I've also been thinking about family. I'm going to get to see my brother, his wife, and my new nephew as well as my bro & sis-in-law this next month. I am super excited for that. It also makes me think about how wonderful it will be to live in Nebraska again. Family has become so important to me. It always has been, but now I feel an ache in my heart when I think about them. Because I love them all so very much and I know that life is short. I want to spend as much of my breathing moments with them...laughing, crying, playing, etc. Because that's life. That's what makes me feel like it's worth being around here on this planet surrounded by morons. My family makes my soul glow.

At the same time...there is a lot I love about Kansas. There are a lot of great people here who have embraced me as if I were family. It's so endearing. Also I have Lawrence and Kansas City, MO which are both super awesome places to go. I love them and will miss them dearly when I leave.

I've also been thinking about my dad. (my actual dad, not bio-dad for those who get confused....okay everyone gets confused) He's moved to colorado and has been absent from my life for a while now. It's sad. In a way I miss him...but the real bummer is that I don't. I mean I seriously don't. Then I feel like I should feel guilty for not missing him, but I can't even muster up fake guilt. There were so many years of sadness. I wanted them to end so badly. And now my mom is in a better place. I can be her daughter again and have a relationship with her. We can have family gatherings without worrying about what atrocities my father will commit and what mess we'll have to clean up. I do love my dad. He has a lot of good qualities. But he drowns them in booze...and that's the part I don't miss. I feel disconnected from him both emotionally and physically. I will always love him and there will forever be a place in my heart for him. But I don't miss the tears, the hurtful words, the messes, the drama, and everything else that comes with having an alcoholic father.