Confession. I actually stepped on the scale the other day. I knew in my mind that this might not be a wise choice. But I have been working more on self-compassion and self-love particularly in this area lately. I tend to like to "test" myself when it comes to things I'm working on. I like to know whether or not what I have been doing has had any effect on my mindset and knee-jerk emotional response.
So, yep, I stepped up there feeling heavy and bloated. I stepped on there knowing it was probably going to be an unreasonably high number (for me). I mean I have been eating like crazy since the pandemic kind of secluded us to our homes for 2 months. I got bored and would eat and eat....and eat....and eat. And I have always been way more successful at increasing my body size than I ever have been at shrinking it. And the number, well it was high, just as I had expected. Surpassed my pregnancy weight.
But I want to tell you something really remarkable about that moment. I saw those numbers and my mind resonated with something my friend and yoga instructor said recently. That our bodies go through phases. And regardless of where we're at, it doesn't mean we can't change, but we'll never see real change if we're using self-abuse to get there. Being patient with myself in the midst of chaos has not been easy. Honestly, I kind of allowed the chaos to take over there for a bit. But I'm done with that now. I can name the things I can control. And while I might not lose weight doing it, I know two things for a fact:
1) My body size does not calculate my human worth/value.
and
2) Everyone who loves me now still loves me regardless of my body size at the moment.
Those numbers didn't crush me. And that was a profound moment for me to realize. I am seeing progress for myself in so many ways and I am so happy that I have never given up on myself.
