I have been unwrapping my tightly closed box of trauma for the past couple months.
And it's been ugly.
I've been ugly. I have exploded with despair and sabotaged relationships. I have hurt people I really love. I have gone nuclear.
But...
I crumbled.
I'm 36 years old. I've been battling depression and anxiety since I have a memory in my mind. I grew up encouraged to not have feelings, or if you do, box that shit up. I grew up feeling like a burden, unloved, unsafe... Almost all of my memories are traumatic ones.
And while all these things have come to a culmination and defined me as a human person, I have to let parts of me go, change, so I can move on from this roller coaster.
I have not enjoyed the journey of shedding it from my soul. It's been mother effing hard. I have been to parts of darkness that I have never been to before. Made plans and had ideas that I never had before. I crumbled under the weight of it all. None of my tools were working anymore. My box was too full. I lost it.
And then after that, I sought help, only to face the reality that if I am to ever really truly "get better", to really truly change things, I have to reprogram the way I perceive reality. I have to change my filters. I have to silence my inner demons. And it has not been easy.
I can say though, now at this moment in time, I have successfully been guided by an amazing professional through one journey to slay a demon of my past. One that surprisingly had more control over me than I realized. And since I have slayed that demon, I have found a new capacity to open my heart to the people around me. The people who sit in the trenches with me while I lose my shit, and hold me until I'm me again. I have found an emotional freedom that I have not really ever felt before. It's new, and almost scary. But not in a bad way. Change requires getting used to. And this change was required for survival.
And today I dove into trauma number two. My most perplexing one. But I am ever so grateful for people as talented and skilled as my therapist. She has delicately guided me through my darkness and I'm actually finding light. For the first time in a long long time....
I feel
joy.
