Small but mighty. This little pill. Avoided for years because of fear. What would it mean? I'm weak? I'm broken? What would people think of me?
I'm going to be honest with you, and it's not easy. I have had suicidal ideation. I have battled anxiety and depression at intensifying degrees since I have a memory to recall. When I was 16 years old I sat, slumped in my small attic bedroom. There on my bed, surrounded by magazine cutouts and photo printed selfies, I held a full bottle of Tylenol PM in my hands. I had every intention of ingesting the whole bottle. But I was afraid. So, I called for help and made a different choice.
Fast forward to another time. My struggles haven't changed but my ability to cope and control it has. I lost myself. I lost my fear.
That, in and of itself was what really scared me. But I held on. My child needed me, loved me, no matter how awful I thought I was. He loved me. Without condition. And I could not break his heart like that. I had to figure out how to want to be alive. To feel something other than complete unexplainable despair. I had to. For him.
So, I tried something new. It was a journey and not always pleasant but, I found something that helps my brain function better emotionally.
Trauma reconstructs the brain. There is research to support that. This little pill has changed my life. It's helped give me the ability to crawl out of the darkness. It has given me my hope back. This little pill keeps me from wanting to die.
Let me tell you this. If you are conflicted about trying medication to help you find your way out of the darkness, just try it. What have you got to lose? I avoided it for so long. I worried what people might think. I worried that it meant I was weak. But if a person breaks their leg they need a cast to help support it while it heals. That is the same here.
My little soldier helps me fight. And I am so glad I gave it a chance.
